red lego...

another red lego day...

last night was difficult. brad and i were up late crying and talking and sometime argueing over misplaced anger..and just missing our son. i woke up still with a heavy heart this morning. i got in the car and headed to see conner at his place, a friend told me there was a few things there for me to get, so i wanted to go first thing.
i was just sad the whole way there...i hate that i know that drive all too well now. i hate that when i come to the last curve before the cemetary entrance my heart jumps to my throat. i hate that when i start up to the right and up the hill i look over to conners spot from afar and my sadness instantly consumes me. i hate it. i hate that i pull up into the same spot i always do. i hate that the grass placed over him is a dead giveaway of just how new this all is. i hate thinking of his body just beneath my feet and sometimes my knees just sitting there...alone. i hate it all.
i couldn't stay long this morning, i grabbed what i needed and i simply had to leave.
it was too much.
i went to the store to get a card for todays babyshower...i went home to change for church.
brad and the boys were not coming with me..
i changed.
attempted to pretty myself up..my heart full of sadness...
i walk out the door and towards my car i just recently parked...only home maybe 15 minutes tops.

there it was.

a bright red shiny red lego resting in the grass right in front of my car door. i ran inside to show brad...and we laughed again. our son is so thoughtful. it was perfect timing once again.
this one i put in my purse and went to church with it and held it the entire service.

3 red legos so far...on 3 very difficult days...
connerman mommy loves you so much.