God, Love, and lifes true meaning...

We have admitted Conner to the childrens hospital now. I woke up, read some of my great book which I HIGHLY recommend to those with end of life kiddos called Glorias Angels at Starbucks, attended church and then brought Conner man in to the hospital. Uhg. The smell of this place. Gets me right in the stomach. Is it bedtime yet? I'm emotionally exhausted. My mind is racing around 1,000 times a second...thinking of things I wish nobody had to think about, worrying, wondering, sadness...overwhelming sadness. I believe in God, and I fully know He's holding us so close to him that he's carrying us right now...but man...I wish that gave me peace. A sense of relief, anything...but the never ending "why's" don't go away just because you know and trust God. Kids shouldn't die, plain and simple. Parents shouldn't have to be thinking these things and filling out DNR's and shopping around for fairly priced funeral services. It's not natures order. It's the complete opposite of order. I feel very loved from my friends, family and the CF community as a whole...I really do...but I need to allow myself some honesty.
I'm pissed.
Beyond pissed.
Why in Gods name is my seven year old son dyeing...while there are so many other idiots in this world trying to kill themselves selfishly? Why is that dumbass down the street smoking, and KILLING his lungs to look cool yet MY SON is lyeing in a bed, barely breathing, because he doesn't qualify for new lungs. Why do people complain about the stupidest, small, insignificant things....I mean really?! Lets put life into perspective people. Stare at the face of your precious child, or your very closest loved one...gaze DEEPLY in their eyes...study them, feel the absolute LOVE that you have for that person...feel how you'd do ANYTHING for them...really FEEL IT. Close those eyes of yours and reopen them and now see them as desperately ill...and feel the helplessness in not being able to do one damn thing for them but watch. It's a feeling so hard to explain but allow yourself to feel it. It is horrible. And no words could ever do it justice. People stop complaining over the stupid, insignificant small shit. STOP IT. it doesn't matter. Don't allow yourself to get caught up in the unimportant parts of this world. You and I were made to love. Whole heartedly love. To have amazing relationships. To put another before yourself, well ALL others you meet above and before yourself. This isnt a dress rehearsal and it sure as hell isn't high school anymore people. We are not indestructable. We bleed. We hurt. We die. It's true and it's horrible. but yes, it's true. Accept it. But don't accept the untruths of life. Don't accept that life is about stuff. It couldn't be farther from the truth.
Life is ONLY about one thing....LOVE.
I'd do anything humanly possible for my son...but truthfully...I'd do anything humanly possible for anyones son. For anyone. I've learned more in the last horribly stressful year about life and I know for SURE that if God gave his sons life for us, that we had better start respecting that. Start living in that. Each and every single person you see every single day is someone who God knows, created and loves deeply. He would do anything for them...every single one of them. So I've learned that our job...(well I can't speak for you...)but that MY job is to do any and EVERY thing possible for anyone. anytime. always. I see someone crying and I pray for them, not much but something. Someone drops a paper, well gosh the LEAST i can do is show them love, Gods love, and pick it up for them. See this is all that matters.
Acts of service.
Acts of respect.
Acts of pure love.
I hate being stuck here in this hospital, and I'm scared to death about whats to come, MUCH sooner than I ever thought acceptable or possible...but then I look around and I'm stuck here in this huge hospital and there are hundreds of people much worse off then I am. Much. So how can I waste a day complaining about everything...
Heck, even looking at my son is a slap in my face. I have breath. You and I were made for something that cant and won't make any sense until our last breath. It doesn't make sense now. but one day it will.
I can't allow myself to get caught up in all the unimportant parts of life. It's not what life is about. I feel your love. I feel your support and your prayers. I feel it. Deeply. With every fiber of my being I feel Gods love and trust in His plan even though to me, it's so cruel. and so heartbreaking and devestating. but I know it will make sense.
In the matter of one week I've met over a thousand new people. I've recieved thousands of emails, messages, and phone calls filled with love and support. My blog went from maybe 3000 views to over 14,000 views...Conners story is being told and he's being prayed for in many MANY countries and in many states and in many different languages, people have shown up in their truest form, doing everything they possibly can to bring a smile to my dyeing sons face...showing him LOVE. If thats not Gods hand, I don't know what else is. My heart is breaking...yet at the same time it's being restored. So complicated. So confusing.
So God....