My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, February 23, 2012

The color of panic AND love

I was about 11 or so weeks into my pregnancy when it happened.

I woke up one morning in December, it was probably 3am and I felt off. As I began to wake up more and more, I realized that I was wet. In my half awakeness, I stumbled to the bathroom for the usual potty break, but to my horror all I saw was blood.

lots and lots of blood.

I had to change even my pajama pants, I was drenched.

I was freaking out.

I got back to bed and realized the sheets were soaked as well, this I knew was not good. it wasn’t just spotting.

I instantly started to let my mind roll to wherever it wanted to go, which wasn’t a good idea, because all it wanted to do was send me into a frenzy. after an hour, I calmed myself enough to pray. and thank God I learned to just listen…all I got out was “I don’t even know where to begin…” and just as swiftly and calm as ever I heard “let me do my miracle…”

wow. ok.

I began to calm a bit more, and I realized I wasn’t cramping, I wasn’t in any pain, so maybe…for whatever reason…I should just relax and trust.

I got up the next morning, told Brad what happened the night before ( I didn’t get much more sleep, I tried…)and I called the dr as soon as the clinic opened. they had me go in for an ultrasound.

I was still bleeding heavily.

the baby looked great, strong heartbeat, no sign of any miscarriage.

the dr called about 20 minutes afterwards and said that they saw a tear in me probably when the pregnancy “attached” inside my uterus. I was to be in bed until the bleeding slowed and turned to spotting. and to really just take it easy.

two days later, after laying in bed I felt good to get out a bit. it was the week before Christmas and I had a few last gifts for the boys to get, I still wasn’t cramping and the blood had turned to spotting.

I was out of my house for I’d say 2.5 hours….

then I felt it again.

it’s just a horrible feeling really.

blood when you know you shouldn’t be bleeding…

I rushed home and went back to my bed. but it got heavier. and heavier. big clots…bright red. I got up awhile later to go to the bathroom and I was horrified…it was just blood. I started to panic again…I kept thinking…”why is this happening…why are we to go thru this…what would it do to us to lose another child…” and God just replied to trust Him to do His miracle.

We wound up in the ER that night because the blood was so heavy…they did another ultrasound and the baby continued to look great and strong…so I went home and stayed in bed until just before christmas.

I went to see my dr every week thru mid january, and the bleeding eventually turned to spotting, and then in late january, completely went away.

I had my midway ultrasound on February 6th and when I saw the dr the next day she said theres still a large clot that will either pass while I’m still pregnant, or during/after delivery. but that the placenta is fully attached and my pregnancy was once again considered healthy and on track!

words to soothe my fragile soul…

this is the main reason we didn’t tell sooner of the pregnancy, I wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out.

and for now I feel great…tired, and a bit achy…but it’s par for the course…AND…it truly is a blessing not a complaint. after all isn’t life the most precious thing in the world?

I’m not fully sure of the lesson we were to learn from that beyond trusting…and maybe it was for someone elses journey, who only knows…but I’m so thankful that I learned to listen…I chose to believe…and let God do his miracle…

he is soooooo good to us.

Blessings and Love

Monday, February 13, 2012

Our sweetest Valentine…

I was sick much of last week, so I haven’t updated yet…sorry so slow. I can’t wait to share this part of the story…

So starting back when I was pregnant with Bradyn in 2008, I love to exercise, and I remember exactly where I was when I heard one of those God whispers. I was walking the lake by my home, I had recently found out our 3rd bundle of blue was on his way, I was rounding the corner on my walk over by the hospital and I was overcome with these words “you will have a daughter.” 5 simple words. and boy was I confused! we had just found out that we were expecting a son, and I never really saw myself having more children…but never-the-less I let it sit in my heart all these years. after delivering Bradyn I never had this overwhelming feeling like we were done raising our family. so we decided not to permanently prevent that from happening, but in the meantime make sure it wouldn’t happen unknowingly. (how's that for wording what could be TMI!)

fast forward to 2010, after losing Conner I can honestly tell you that my heart felt done. there would be occasions where someone would ask if we were having anymore children and I would tell them no…and I meant it. for the first time in my life I felt as though I truly was done.  I didn’t want to do anything that would take away more from my two living boys then what life had already dealt to them. I wanted them to have 100% of me. I felt like I needed to make up for the weeks and weeks away at the hospital, and always gone at clinic with Conner, or always trapped on the phone with insurance or treatments, etc. I felt they deserved all of me. so there was no more thought of children.

I honestly can’t really explain what happened that changed that.

but something did.

back in august we started having discussions about having our last child and what it would mean for our family, how it would effect the dynamic of our family, if it made sense for us, or if we should let it go. we discussed the CF aspect of it knowing that 1 in 4 chance with each pregnancy was still very much applicable to us. all I can really say to that is I felt a peace with it. I honestly felt, and still do feel that CF isn’t a reason to do, or not to do something. cf can steal your entire life if you let it, it will cause you great fear and worry, it will take every opportunity to rob you of joy if you give it an inch to do so…and after it left our home a year and a half ago, I knew in my heart that never again would it have any control over my life, our life. our families life. the only way it would have power is if we gave ours to CF. and it took enough. it hurt us plenty. it took our son, and it briefly stole our joy and our smiles.

but that changed.

we took the power back and refuse to give even a fraction of it back.

that’s absolutely just our opinion, as each is entitled to their own, and each decision for each family is the best and the right one for that family. no two families or situations the same…just as no two people with CF are the same…so in the rare chance this sweetie does have CF (which again I truly feel she doesn’t) then we’ll take it all one day at a time just as we did with Conner…but with even more hope in her future thanks to continued research and advancements towards a cure.

so we decided to start trying for our final addition in September, and just before Halloween while Brad was away at a Seahawks game, I got not just one, but 4 very positive tests showing pregnancy (yes I couldn’t’ believe it so I had to test like a bazillion times…)

it happened so quickly we were shocked. speechless actually. told just a handful of people and really just kept living life normally but with a secret…

this baby was not our decision to have. whatever purpose this little one has for this lifetime, and in our family is from God…he was just waiting for us to trust in his plan. and MAN that was fast!

this journey hasn’t been all smooth sailing, we’ve hit some bumps and had some scares so far, and we’re only halfway done. But we have complete trust in Gods plan, and know that His intentions aren’t to harm us or hurt us…yet we also know that sometimes the plan isn’t always free from worry or pain. if we’ve learned anything the past year and a half it’s that pain always has purpose…you just have to hold on long enough to find it out.

we are truly beyond ecstatic to be adding this final addition to our home and look forward to having some new joy in our lives, and yes even in the midnight hours awake with a wee newborn…all of it this time around will be cherished…what a gift. Hunter and Bradyn are beyond excited, infact we had to hold off telling Hunter until Christmas day because we knew he was going to be so excited he’d tell everyone he saw. And he does. He’s the best big brother we could have ever hoped for. so kind and compassionate, and more and more sensitive just like his older brother, Conner was. One of his best features. And Bradyn…well he’s 3…so he’s not so sure yet. Moms belly is a little bigger, but other than that everything else is the same. No crib has been set up yet, No pink walls adorn any bedrooms (and nor will there be any pink walls just sayin) so when a person asks what's in moms belly before the ultrasound last week he would’ve told you “food”  and then after he went to the ultrasound with Brad and I he will now tell you that there are little feet in my belly! So sweet. He loves on babies though…he’ll make the connection when he slows down enough to let it sink in…but we know he’ll be just as thrilled and will be a terrific protective older brother.

that will be all for tonight…momma’s getting sleepy (as always), so I’ll post again soon…

LOVE LOVE LOVE

and a little Hope too!

050a

 

Monday, February 6, 2012

Part 1…

Long before losing Conner, I would hear from God in the stillness of my heart. I’d be out on a walk, or in my car quiet, or even just before falling asleep, I’d get little words of comfort, or reminders whispered to me, and I always felt they were from God, but part of me always wondered if I had made it all up.

imagined it.

my relationship with Him wasn’t what it is today, it’s been a journey of learning how to trust, be silent, believe even when it doesn’t make any sense, and having faith that He truly has my best interests and desires in mind all the while. Life throws curve balls. that’s the price of living in a broken world. there’s lots thrown in our faces each day to believe in, people to trust, new products to have faith in, and it’s very easy to get trapped in a circle of un-decidedness, or even half hearted trusting.

see, when I would think I would hear God whisper to me, it wasn’t always what I wanted to hear, or even sometimes it wasn’t something believable to me, so I’d tell myself that I simply made that up. how could the God of the universe communicate to me…by truly, hearing voices in my head. it just sounded crazy.

but after losing Conner I made a very conscious effort to listen closer. to trust more. to have an even blinder faith. to never doubt that stirring in my soul that I knew could truly only come from one place.

I wasn’t hearing voices…I was experiencing God.

how amazing to finally make peace with that and understand it.

I remember that feeling of becoming a family of 5 minus a beautiful 1…and that held my heart tightly for quite sometime. After all, we knew Conner was part of our family…but many others never would, so it just made sense. visibly we’d be a family of 4 to many, but always a family of 5 to us. my heart broke as it accepted that fact.

I remember god speaking to me one day, he begun reminding me that numbers are just details, that what others who don’t know our circumstance, may count us as family of 4, but it really didn’t matter. he showed me how none of it even mattered eternally, and many families are living without a child or spouse, or parent in their families and in the end…the number doesn’t matter. the heart does. the heart of the family is all that matters.

I knew that Conner would never, nor could ever, be replaced in our lives, and each day I realized how getting caught in the trap of “details” really was causing us to live a life I don’t feel would respect Conner’s legacy, his love. just as I stopped letting Thursdays get to me, I had to let go of family number details. little, by very little I am able to release a “detail” from it’s grip against us. who cares if it’s a Thursday….the 24th day of each month carries no weight any longer, family of 5 minus 1 isn’t our family definition, and little by little we’re able to break away from the chains that hold us so tightly in grief.

and somewhere in all of this…we’re learning how to live again.

fully live again.

dream.

grow.

and break away from the “details” and realize that it doesn’t honor Conner to live a life of bondage to details. his life wasn’t details, it held significance that will never be forgotten, the impact will be felt forever in our hearts.

what a journey this past 5 months has been in growing, in listening, and in dreaming. and by listening to God in the stillness of each possible moment our family found a new hope, and a new joy far beyond what we could have ever imagined, or even desired after Conner’s death.

We’ve been waiting nearly 5 months to share with you all that has been going on in our lives beyond the grief…but there’s just too much to share all at once…and I owe it to God to give him all the glory, one story at a time…so as much as I’m DYEING to tell it all now…I will leave you with just a few pictures…to get the REAL story of learning to listen to God started…I will post soon on how this new joy unfolded, the miracles that have already taken place with it and how Conner’s hand is in it all!

031

WE’RE EXPECTING!!!!!

 

 

Can’t wait to start sharing the stories from the beginning, it’s been so hard to remain quiet, but all good things must come in their perfect time, and God has been in the drivers seat from day one…and good thing too because it’s been a very bumpy ride thus far…

One story I can’t wait to share though…

027a

How we KNEW that Pink is our new blue…God is So good…

 

 

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