My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Monday, February 13, 2012

Our sweetest Valentine…

I was sick much of last week, so I haven’t updated yet…sorry so slow. I can’t wait to share this part of the story…

So starting back when I was pregnant with Bradyn in 2008, I love to exercise, and I remember exactly where I was when I heard one of those God whispers. I was walking the lake by my home, I had recently found out our 3rd bundle of blue was on his way, I was rounding the corner on my walk over by the hospital and I was overcome with these words “you will have a daughter.” 5 simple words. and boy was I confused! we had just found out that we were expecting a son, and I never really saw myself having more children…but never-the-less I let it sit in my heart all these years. after delivering Bradyn I never had this overwhelming feeling like we were done raising our family. so we decided not to permanently prevent that from happening, but in the meantime make sure it wouldn’t happen unknowingly. (how's that for wording what could be TMI!)

fast forward to 2010, after losing Conner I can honestly tell you that my heart felt done. there would be occasions where someone would ask if we were having anymore children and I would tell them no…and I meant it. for the first time in my life I felt as though I truly was done.  I didn’t want to do anything that would take away more from my two living boys then what life had already dealt to them. I wanted them to have 100% of me. I felt like I needed to make up for the weeks and weeks away at the hospital, and always gone at clinic with Conner, or always trapped on the phone with insurance or treatments, etc. I felt they deserved all of me. so there was no more thought of children.

I honestly can’t really explain what happened that changed that.

but something did.

back in august we started having discussions about having our last child and what it would mean for our family, how it would effect the dynamic of our family, if it made sense for us, or if we should let it go. we discussed the CF aspect of it knowing that 1 in 4 chance with each pregnancy was still very much applicable to us. all I can really say to that is I felt a peace with it. I honestly felt, and still do feel that CF isn’t a reason to do, or not to do something. cf can steal your entire life if you let it, it will cause you great fear and worry, it will take every opportunity to rob you of joy if you give it an inch to do so…and after it left our home a year and a half ago, I knew in my heart that never again would it have any control over my life, our life. our families life. the only way it would have power is if we gave ours to CF. and it took enough. it hurt us plenty. it took our son, and it briefly stole our joy and our smiles.

but that changed.

we took the power back and refuse to give even a fraction of it back.

that’s absolutely just our opinion, as each is entitled to their own, and each decision for each family is the best and the right one for that family. no two families or situations the same…just as no two people with CF are the same…so in the rare chance this sweetie does have CF (which again I truly feel she doesn’t) then we’ll take it all one day at a time just as we did with Conner…but with even more hope in her future thanks to continued research and advancements towards a cure.

so we decided to start trying for our final addition in September, and just before Halloween while Brad was away at a Seahawks game, I got not just one, but 4 very positive tests showing pregnancy (yes I couldn’t’ believe it so I had to test like a bazillion times…)

it happened so quickly we were shocked. speechless actually. told just a handful of people and really just kept living life normally but with a secret…

this baby was not our decision to have. whatever purpose this little one has for this lifetime, and in our family is from God…he was just waiting for us to trust in his plan. and MAN that was fast!

this journey hasn’t been all smooth sailing, we’ve hit some bumps and had some scares so far, and we’re only halfway done. But we have complete trust in Gods plan, and know that His intentions aren’t to harm us or hurt us…yet we also know that sometimes the plan isn’t always free from worry or pain. if we’ve learned anything the past year and a half it’s that pain always has purpose…you just have to hold on long enough to find it out.

we are truly beyond ecstatic to be adding this final addition to our home and look forward to having some new joy in our lives, and yes even in the midnight hours awake with a wee newborn…all of it this time around will be cherished…what a gift. Hunter and Bradyn are beyond excited, infact we had to hold off telling Hunter until Christmas day because we knew he was going to be so excited he’d tell everyone he saw. And he does. He’s the best big brother we could have ever hoped for. so kind and compassionate, and more and more sensitive just like his older brother, Conner was. One of his best features. And Bradyn…well he’s 3…so he’s not so sure yet. Moms belly is a little bigger, but other than that everything else is the same. No crib has been set up yet, No pink walls adorn any bedrooms (and nor will there be any pink walls just sayin) so when a person asks what's in moms belly before the ultrasound last week he would’ve told you “food”  and then after he went to the ultrasound with Brad and I he will now tell you that there are little feet in my belly! So sweet. He loves on babies though…he’ll make the connection when he slows down enough to let it sink in…but we know he’ll be just as thrilled and will be a terrific protective older brother.

that will be all for tonight…momma’s getting sleepy (as always), so I’ll post again soon…


and a little Hope too!




  1. This makes my heart smile. I'll be praying for your your sweet family.


Related Posts with Thumbnails

Did You Know....

There are over 100,000 people, the size of a small city, on the transplant list in the US.

There were less than 10,000 deceased organ donors in the US last year. (that's a ratio of 1 organ donor to every 10 transplant patients).

In the time it takes you to shower today, 1 new name is added to the US transplant waiting list.

From the time you woke up this morning to the time you wake up tomorrow morning, 18 people will die waiting for their transplant in the US.

click here to join the organ donation registry