Today's not so pleasant "Census"

**Warning...today is a HIGHLY emotional day for me so please note that I in no way am trying to hurt anyones feelings and also note that i HATE cursing..but today...well shits hit the fan**

Todays mail.
Inside was the usual stack of bills that I have been waiting for, a few cards for C-man (he gets quite a bit each month THANK YOU!), and the National census report. No biggy. I grab it all, take it inside and pay my bills online and grab that large white envelope that is oh so official looking. It really got me thinking. Census' are only taken once every decade I believe, I'm guessing because I've never had to fill one out before and I'm almost 30...and it's quite an easy form to fill out. Fill out names, check off a couple yes/no's and stick it back in the mail. There. Done. Your family's all accounted for.
except...
The horrible truth flashed before my eyes, this will more than likely be the ONLY census that my sweet Conner will be alive and accounted for. and thus my day's turned into shit. He also woke me up this morning by his breathing which was labored and fast and he told me that he felt hot. I take his temp and it's 103.5 so of course the only thing on my mind is how fragile he is. I call the cf docs and plead with them to not admit us, that we have o2 and sat monitors etc at home and IV's etc and I beg for them to give me until Friday unless things change for the worse before then to see if he can kick this viral crap or not before going back in. We discuss Cayston therapy. He agrees it'd be an additive therapy for Conner. The Rn also warns me that the oncall doc might not be comfortable with my wish to keep Conner home because he is so fragile. I hate hearing that. Look I know in my mind all of these health concerns but when i HEAR them from the doc or the RN it infuriates me to no end.
i foremost want to do whats best for my child. for his health. i tell the RN that what in the world is different from doing the treatment at our home vs a hospital and he agrees the therapy wouldn't be any different but that the doc wants to keep a very close eye on my son. it's all quality of life for me. i just wish for a moment that we could catch a break. that conner could catch a tiny break. just a small one. how much would it be to ask for simply one month w/o being admitted into the hospital. it's a slap in the face. he should be on a transplant list, but he's not a candidate and in that respect i feel it'd do more harm then good for him. so i just don't know what to feel anymore. i fight and i fight and i fight. but i'm getting nowhere.
nowhere.
the rn of course re-iterated that our only option is antibiotics. i told him why in the world could that help if it's viral. he said that the antibiotics will help his lungs from being overly attacked with the bacteria inflaming them from whatever this viral thing is. and that if we do nothing, meaning no antibiotics, the bacteria in his lungs WILL overtake him, leaving us with nothing left to do but say goodbye.
i often feel that i'm such a pessamist. i follow Ronnies, Pipers, CG's and all sorts of other uplifting, truthful but positive blogs about CF....then I read my own. I feel just so horrible that i can never manage to write ONE positive thing on my blog. not one. but i'm just not there. conners not there. we haven't been there in years. but still to me it's devestating. i feel i sound like i've already given up. but i haven't. and i won't. but our happy days are so few and far between anymore that i just feel i'm a constant downer.
and in that respect i've given up.
i've given up my happiness to this monster.
friends wanna talk about it, or get my mind off things but it just isn't enough. it only is temporary. i'm so sick of this shit that i wish i could just fall asleep and sleep for two weeks i'm so exhasted from it all. i don't know how i get out of bed each morning. i know WHY i do, but i don't know HOW. i wish i could feel more positive and hopeful. but i don't. i can't force myself to either. and i hate it.
because i'm not a negative person.
cf's destroying every aspect of our world it seems. and as hard as we fight to not let it, it seems to always win. always.
i'm sorry it's all so negative. i laugh when people tell me they find strength or inspiration in my words because i don't see how they can. because i don't really. i feel like the biggest pessamist i know. and THAT is not who i am.
so i'll just stick that lovely us census in the mail tomorrow damn well knowing that the next one i fill out will be the proof that cf has yet again won, and try not to cry. or to dwell on it. but today is just too much for me to bear.
just too much.