Spent the better part of today watching Conner sleep. Breathing in and breathing out, just laying there exhausted by the energy requirement necessary just to breathe. trying hard to stay one step ahead of this wreched disease progression. Constantly worrying.
I'm so exhausted....
Each day blends into the next...it waxes and wanes and I feel like I'm wasting valuable time in my delirious state. But I am so tired. I wish I could waste one whole day in bed, sleeping. But I know that even then I'd never be caught up.
I just wish for peace....
I want for all of this to end. I don't want my son gone...but I need peace. I need to figure out how I'm going to handle the rest of my time here without him. I'm a planner by nature, and as much as I'm getting done and prepared for when my whole world crumbles, I feel like this is something I can't plan for.
The devestation...
The heartbreak...
The inability to breathe...
To not be able to think...
or form sentences...
or clear thoughts...
I simply can't imagine what it will be like to not be able to hold him in my arms whenever I want to. To look over at him laying on the couch next to me with his beautiful gap toothed grin, with his bright, piercing black/brown eyes...gazing at me. I just can't plan for that...so the constant worry over it, is simply overwhelming me. and exhausting me to the core...
I wish our days were filled with more...
Not sure really what that means...just something more than laying around watching him breathe or sleep...or giggle at a cartoon...I so don't want any regrets. Nor do I want to push him beyond what he's capable of. Everythings getting harder...the days are passing by faster..and my heart is breaking deeper then i ever knew possible...and i just need peace.
only sweet peace...
