Please don't get me wrong. Usually I love mothers day. The weather today was beautiful, and I got to sleep in til 9:30am...it started so perfectly. My husband put the kids in matching outfits and they looked so adorable. Melted my heart. We went to Starbucks and they gave me a venti instead of my usual grande for free since I'm a momma they know and love (guess it pays to go there alot eh?) Then we headed to church.
Thats where the good day ended. No specifics even needed. I just felt broken. Have you been there? See all of this, I know I've mentioned before waxes and wanes...comes and goes. One second I'm feeling good and in control of my emotions then WHAM! a second later my world is caving in and it's everything I can do just to keep from crying. I can not recall a day where I've been this emotional, EVER. They prayed for Conner man, it's the first time he's been in so long since he's so fragile. so it's the first time in awhile they've seen him. and he now looks so frail and so tired of his fight. i just felt devestated. Like for the first time, others could genuinely see the difference because they don't see him day to day...and i was overwhelmed. I couldn't keep from crying during worship...we left church, did some mothers day stuff and i just could never really recover from that. Brad made bbq hamburgers, and then I grabbed my ipod and walked the lake a time and a half...so a little over 4 miles and each and every breath I breathed in was a struggle. not to breathe...but to keep from just busting out crying. I've never felt his way before.
I believe in Gods plan for our lives....I pray for Conner to have a long life, but I have to allow myself to be honest and realistic. I thank you all for your upbeat words and on normal days they get me thru.
But not today.
Probably not tomorrow.
He's dyeing. In front of my eyes, each day he wakes up weaker. His eyes are darker. his breathing a bit harder than the day before. and today it was simply too much to take. mothers day. for the first time today i think i really felt like i wished God would take me. Take me first. Because if this is the despair I feel already and my son is still alive, then I can only imagine how I will feel when God calls him home. and i simply can't handle that. i know i can't. because today proved how unprepared i truly am for all of this. losing a child is the most devestaingly painful, heartwrenching, blindly numbing pain that anyone in life can experience, and this i know for sure. and i have yet to even fully experience that. i've only delved into a few layers...not the whole pain. so i know for sure, that losing a mother, a brother, a grandparent or even a spouse simply can not compare. and i am scared to death to fully experience this pain. scared. to. death.
today leaves me so open.
so raw.
and so vulnerable.
with so many questions now to find answers for.
but more than anything I wish God would take me first. How parents get thru and survive losing a child is simply miraculous to me. I look up to them, to you reading this, so much. Because i honestly don't know if i can. but more than that, i don't want to. really. from the depth of my soul i don't want my son to die. i know i can't handle it.
my eyes are so heavy from the tears. my throat hurts from swallowing back the tears all day long. my stomach is flipping all around today. my heart is simply broken.
b
r
o
k
e
n
and I don't know if i'll ever be whole again after today. the first of many, i'm sure horrible days. so happy mothers day to all of you wonderful mommas out there with kids sick, healthy and in between the two. count your healthy days as blessings as i do...and to you mommas out there whose child has already lost that battle and is no longer alive to hold. i am so, so deeply and terribly sorry for your loss. words are of no comfort to you for this i know for sure. i pray for you each and every night for your strength, and for your broken heart to once again become whole. i wont pretend one moment that i know exactly how you feel, because i do not. not even close i'm sure. but this pain that i'm feeling today. right now. in this exact moment is so desperatley intense that i can imagine the pain you feel is just a thousand times greater than that. i am just so, so sorry for your loss. no mother should ever feel those feelings. no mother should have to go w/o hugging their loved ones tight and kissing them in the flesh...i too, know you will see them again when it is your time...but for now, until it is your time, i will pray for your strength and your brokeness every single time i pray.
tomorrow will be a new day.
and so for that...i am overwhelmingly greatful.
goodnight.
