My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, April 21, 2011

The happiest place on earth…

Last week started like any other…

well kind of…

Monday was my birthday, and that in itself is not a big deal, except that this was my first birthday without my son. My mind keeps going back to a year ago and this time a year ago, I was on the phone with the docs often, they were trying to admit Conner, and I kept refusing, so Conner could be home for his birthday…so my heart was pretty torn apart on my birthday. Many flowers and cards arrived that day and they all made the day much brighter, great friends came to visit and the house was full of laughter for the most part…

I knew Conners birthday (thursday the 14th) was going to be even more difficult. I just can’t fathom celebrating his birthday yet. We associate birthdays with becoming a year older, and well, he never will be 8. So rather than sit in our house and mope…I planned a surprise trip.

not even Brad knew where we were headed…

SO wednesday I packed the car for our roadtrip…and when Brad got home we left….here’s our trip in pictures…Conner was with us for sure!

We hopped in the car ready for adventure with a beautiful sky…

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Made it to our first destination…Trees of Mystery

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then packed back in the car and headed to our next destination on Conner’s birthday…

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(ya Bradyn doesn’t like people dressed up…even Goofy)

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Day Two at Disney…

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then on way home we stayed a night and left our hearts in San Francisco…

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We were gone from Wednesday thru late Monday (or technically very early Tuesday am) it was perfect to get away and enjoy the sunshine, it re-energized our spirits and helped us smile, and not concentrate on Conner’s birthday and the sadness that brings for us. Conner was with us the whole way. Lots of hearts all over the place, stickers stuck to the ground in disney, and even three red heart shaped fireworks during the disney “dreams come true” display, there was eagles soaring over our car the entire way to Anaheim from Cresent city (10hr drive), the big tree at the end of the trail in trees of mystery that said I love you all topped off with a HUGE red lego. It was just an amazing trip, with our amazing family…and even Conner as well. We needed to get away, a vacation was long overdue after the year we’ve endured…and it was perfect that nobody knew we were leaving, or where we were…we just dropped from the world for awhile and spent time as a family, having fun, smiling, snuggeling in bed together, riding some rides and just spending the best week we’ve had in a year together…

because time is the most precious thing we have…and our only guarantee in life is there are no guarantees…so we spent time where it mattered most.

together…all 5 of us…

death may have robbed his physical body from us…but his spirit was and is still very much with us…

LOVE LOVE LOVE

Friday, April 8, 2011

Well it’s here

IT’s the week I’ve been dreading next week. I have to admit life has been very up and down lately. The sunshine today though, and waking up with not one cloud in the sky was so refreshing! I JUMPED out of bed and we spent all of it outdoors soaking in the vitamin D and God’s rays of LOVE. I’ve been running more lately. I no longer do a 5k as my main run. Erin and I run 5 miles about 3 times a week, and yesterday I ran 6 miles myself pushing B in the stroller. can you believe that? a 10k! It was an amazing run. When Erin and I run our 5 mile run at 6am we complete it in about 55 minutes. Yesterday, I ran all by myself with B in the stroller and God speaking right into my soul…and I completed 6 miles in the same exact time it’s been taking me to run 5 lately! I was amazed. Running to me has been a time to just be still inside. To not have to think about Conner’s death, or stress or any of it. Yesterday’s run was just amazing though. The entire time God was speaking into my life, the themes that He kept speaking to me were “stay strong, stay focused, stay hopeful and positive. Don’t worry over others, I’m working on them, so you don’t need to fix any of it. I am fixing it…just as I am recreating you…stay strong in love.”

I was in awe the entire 6 miles. The sun kept peaking thru the clouds and warmed up my face. I’d close my eyes and just jog and I could honestly feel His unique love for me.  For 55 minutes my brain got to forget, got to be silent, got to receive instead of constantly giving…it was perfect.

then waking up today to the sun was icing on the cake. birthday cake…

Monday is my birthday. my first without him.

Thursday should be his birthday…but he will never turn 8.

I can’t even fathom “celebrating” his birthday. Yes I’m so thankful for his birth and the life we created together, but in my heart I know that we celebrate birthdays as a year getting older. and he never will. The bible even says the day you die is better than the day you are born…so maybe June 24th we will celebrate his life, and try to find peace in his death. but honestly I can’t even imagine doing that. my heart is still so raw and fragile. so much has happened this past year. and you simply can’t “get over” 7 years of the greatest love in just one year. Honestly, I know that I never will “get over” it, and I’m not even attempting to. I’m just trying to find ways to keep a smile in my heart and find more days filled with joy and love then tears and sadness. it’s an everyday battle. its still as fresh and new as a year ago. it’s still good one minute then a mess the very next minute. I don’t know if that ever will change. He left and took a third of my heart with him. and that will never regrow or become whole again. it’s different.

so birthdays this week.

then mothers day.

then CF Great Strides walk.

then our 10 year wedding anniversary

then memorial day

then it’s june…

just trying to keep my head above the water with all of this upcoming stuff.

feeling alone in this has been so difficult. but God’s teaching me to stay strong…

one step at a time…

Love Love Love

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