My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Friday, April 8, 2011

Well it’s here

IT’s the week I’ve been dreading next week. I have to admit life has been very up and down lately. The sunshine today though, and waking up with not one cloud in the sky was so refreshing! I JUMPED out of bed and we spent all of it outdoors soaking in the vitamin D and God’s rays of LOVE. I’ve been running more lately. I no longer do a 5k as my main run. Erin and I run 5 miles about 3 times a week, and yesterday I ran 6 miles myself pushing B in the stroller. can you believe that? a 10k! It was an amazing run. When Erin and I run our 5 mile run at 6am we complete it in about 55 minutes. Yesterday, I ran all by myself with B in the stroller and God speaking right into my soul…and I completed 6 miles in the same exact time it’s been taking me to run 5 lately! I was amazed. Running to me has been a time to just be still inside. To not have to think about Conner’s death, or stress or any of it. Yesterday’s run was just amazing though. The entire time God was speaking into my life, the themes that He kept speaking to me were “stay strong, stay focused, stay hopeful and positive. Don’t worry over others, I’m working on them, so you don’t need to fix any of it. I am fixing it…just as I am recreating you…stay strong in love.”

I was in awe the entire 6 miles. The sun kept peaking thru the clouds and warmed up my face. I’d close my eyes and just jog and I could honestly feel His unique love for me.  For 55 minutes my brain got to forget, got to be silent, got to receive instead of constantly giving…it was perfect.

then waking up today to the sun was icing on the cake. birthday cake…

Monday is my birthday. my first without him.

Thursday should be his birthday…but he will never turn 8.

I can’t even fathom “celebrating” his birthday. Yes I’m so thankful for his birth and the life we created together, but in my heart I know that we celebrate birthdays as a year getting older. and he never will. The bible even says the day you die is better than the day you are born…so maybe June 24th we will celebrate his life, and try to find peace in his death. but honestly I can’t even imagine doing that. my heart is still so raw and fragile. so much has happened this past year. and you simply can’t “get over” 7 years of the greatest love in just one year. Honestly, I know that I never will “get over” it, and I’m not even attempting to. I’m just trying to find ways to keep a smile in my heart and find more days filled with joy and love then tears and sadness. it’s an everyday battle. its still as fresh and new as a year ago. it’s still good one minute then a mess the very next minute. I don’t know if that ever will change. He left and took a third of my heart with him. and that will never regrow or become whole again. it’s different.

so birthdays this week.

then mothers day.

then CF Great Strides walk.

then our 10 year wedding anniversary

then memorial day

then it’s june…

just trying to keep my head above the water with all of this upcoming stuff.

feeling alone in this has been so difficult. but God’s teaching me to stay strong…

one step at a time…

Love Love Love

4 comments:

  1. As I read your post the last sentence reminded me of Matthew 6:34. You are doing exactly what God longs for all of us to do. To take life one day at a time, moment by moment, step by step. Praying the Lord guides you gently through the next couple months and brings you joy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I read every post but never comment, because I feel like anything I'd have to say would be empty. I've not walked in your shoes, and can't come close to knowing what you feel.

    Having said that, you've changed me. I think about you and Conner, ALL of you really, a lot. I remember you posting about being in Target (I think) and seeing a woman with children and it reminded me to be sensitive to others. I never know what someone's dealing with personally and what will trigger pain for them. You remind me to be thankful for my 3 boys everyday, no matter what.

    I want you to know that although you feel alone, and although we aren't there next to you, I think of you and send good thoughts and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sarah,
    Running heals you from the outside in. And God, well He heals from the inside out.

    One step at a time, keep going.
    xo
    k.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just wanted you to know that even though I don't comment, I read every word you write and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete

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