IT’s the week I’ve been dreading next week. I have to admit life has been very up and down lately. The sunshine today though, and waking up with not one cloud in the sky was so refreshing! I JUMPED out of bed and we spent all of it outdoors soaking in the vitamin D and God’s rays of LOVE. I’ve been running more lately. I no longer do a 5k as my main run. Erin and I run 5 miles about 3 times a week, and yesterday I ran 6 miles myself pushing B in the stroller. can you believe that? a 10k! It was an amazing run. When Erin and I run our 5 mile run at 6am we complete it in about 55 minutes. Yesterday, I ran all by myself with B in the stroller and God speaking right into my soul…and I completed 6 miles in the same exact time it’s been taking me to run 5 lately! I was amazed. Running to me has been a time to just be still inside. To not have to think about Conner’s death, or stress or any of it. Yesterday’s run was just amazing though. The entire time God was speaking into my life, the themes that He kept speaking to me were “stay strong, stay focused, stay hopeful and positive. Don’t worry over others, I’m working on them, so you don’t need to fix any of it. I am fixing it…just as I am recreating you…stay strong in love.”
I was in awe the entire 6 miles. The sun kept peaking thru the clouds and warmed up my face. I’d close my eyes and just jog and I could honestly feel His unique love for me. For 55 minutes my brain got to forget, got to be silent, got to receive instead of constantly giving…it was perfect.
then waking up today to the sun was icing on the cake. birthday cake…
Monday is my birthday. my first without him.
Thursday should be his birthday…but he will never turn 8.
I can’t even fathom “celebrating” his birthday. Yes I’m so thankful for his birth and the life we created together, but in my heart I know that we celebrate birthdays as a year getting older. and he never will. The bible even says the day you die is better than the day you are born…so maybe June 24th we will celebrate his life, and try to find peace in his death. but honestly I can’t even imagine doing that. my heart is still so raw and fragile. so much has happened this past year. and you simply can’t “get over” 7 years of the greatest love in just one year. Honestly, I know that I never will “get over” it, and I’m not even attempting to. I’m just trying to find ways to keep a smile in my heart and find more days filled with joy and love then tears and sadness. it’s an everyday battle. its still as fresh and new as a year ago. it’s still good one minute then a mess the very next minute. I don’t know if that ever will change. He left and took a third of my heart with him. and that will never regrow or become whole again. it’s different.
so birthdays this week.
then mothers day.
then CF Great Strides walk.
then our 10 year wedding anniversary
then memorial day
then it’s june…
just trying to keep my head above the water with all of this upcoming stuff.
feeling alone in this has been so difficult. but God’s teaching me to stay strong…
one step at a time…
Love Love Love