My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts

Thursday, April 15, 2010

a 7th birthday celebration

pictures speak better than any words ever could...here are a few from yesterday

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father and son
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honorary fire fighter of the day...and balloons in his favorite color

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the firefighters brought him his birthday cake
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and loves with mommy
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We had our meeting with the doc today, Brad and i are filling out advanced directives and DNR forms today...and considering admitting him after his bday party this weekend and restart IV's and have meetings with hospice coordinators and social workers.
today his fever is still present. motrin seems to keep him comfortable. i am beyond exhausted at this point and am looking forward to a nap soon.
thank you all for your love and kind words and prayers. Each time I open my email I have over 500 new messages and thats about 3 times a day...so I haven't had time to go thru them all, so even though I know you don't, but please don't take it personally that I haven't gotten back to everyone. But know that I feel so much love and support...
pray.

Monday, April 12, 2010

I'm so lost...so alone and so scared...

Conner's again sick. CF sick. 104 fever, tied to his 02, coughing that nasty thick infamous CF cough, and feeling miserable. I called the clinic this am, and our RN is out on vacation...which I hate when he's gone, he's my trusted partner in all of this, the tie between center and conner. so i briefly told the RN filling in for Ben, that Conner was sick and when she started rambeling on and on about symptoms etc, I couldn't help but to just blurt out "just tell the docs Conner's not feeling well and they'll know EXACTLY what to do and they'll call!" well i wasn't trying to be rude. but gosh i wasn't about to go into all details with this fill in just for ben to return next week you know? so she must have paged them.
Dr. called me back fairly quickly...and I told him about Conner and since he's only on oral bactrim right now because we were supposed to be taking a break from iv's i asked what oral or iv can we restart....his response startled me.

"i think we're all in agreement at the center that it's time for a discussion about Conner with you and soon...I think we're way beyond what antibiotics to treat him with. i think it's time we discuss hospice......"

i know there was more words after that....

i just can't recall anything else after that horrible word.

So brad and i are meeting with the team this thursday (not wednesday of course cus that's conners 7th bday) so thursday am to talk the talk i guess.

my heart is torn wide open, i'm a blithering mess. bless trish for coming over to watch my kids i simply having trouble functioning...

hospice....

Thursday, April 8, 2010

So much change in such short amount of time!


Gosh it's been awhile. I can't remember exactly how long but long enough. Life has just been kinda flowing, trying to navigate spring break, cf clinic, iv's, meetings, fighting over cayston, tutoring, the zoo, easter, and family birthdays...(with two more to come in the next few days, but I won't say WHOSE...more on that later) In addition to all of that we got a puppy!!!! And he couldn't have arrived at a better time. Such a great thing for those batteling their health and looking for a great distraction and even a feeling of satisfaction having ONE thing they can truly control. Conner's in heaven. We bought a tiny shih poo pup that doesn't get bigger than 9 pounds, even though I would love a lab (we've always had labs) but I knew I didn't have the time or space to give a lab the home it deserves....so teeny pup works perfectly! Conner named him Grover (his favorite stuffed animal since he was 1 day old! not to mention his dear hospital buddy!) Grover has been a much needed source of unconditional joy and love our family has so desperately needed...


Conner went to clinic on Tuesday and we decided to end his IV's. We know that he doesn't do well without IV's but he needs a break...and goodness i need a break as well. So because he's still sick, and of course always will be...we put him on a two week dose of oral antibiotic and 5 days of prednisone to maybe perk up his lungs. I think the Doc wrote those scripts just to make me feel better...but oh well. I'm just glad to have a little bit of time off. We go back to clinic in two tuesdays from now. And I'm still waiting on cayston...insurance is having a hay-day denying it, but i'm hopeful that it'll arrive soon.


I've been given a few great doctors names and have been contacting them to see what more if anything can be done for Conner, and to get information about compassionate care releases etc. One doc who came highly recommended in Denver called me back the other day and gave me his personal cell phone number to call "anytime" to talk about our situation and what he might be able to help with. Now I just need to put my ducks in a row and figure out just what i want to say and then call him back! it never hurts to try...


This weekend marks the big 3-0 for me...oh joy and then this next wednesday my sweet Conner celebrates his 7th birthday....and that fills my heart with such happiness...to think i was worried if we'd even make it to here...and we almost are!!! I pray as well that this is not his last birthday, but just incase it is we're going to make it EXTRA special for him! Bring his make a wish back to life!!!! Hawaiian luau complete with a volcano cake!


Ive called his teacher today and we've made arrangements for Conner to go to school for half days each wednesday to be with his friends...and wednesdays are the fun days...two recesses, lunch, music, math and computer lab!!!! oh yes and library!!! And this coming wednesday is his first day (if he's well enough) and it couldn't be more perfect...it's his birthday!!!


So for now our lives are flowing...nicely. No drama...no iv's...yes on orals but sheesh that's easy-peesy! and hopefully we'll stay out of the hospital for a long time.







Did You Know....

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There were less than 10,000 deceased organ donors in the US last year. (that's a ratio of 1 organ donor to every 10 transplant patients).

In the time it takes you to shower today, 1 new name is added to the US transplant waiting list.

From the time you woke up this morning to the time you wake up tomorrow morning, 18 people will die waiting for their transplant in the US.

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