My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Monday, September 27, 2010

A weekend of tears, triumph and THANKS!

I remember many years ago when my husband was a volunteer with PCFD #1 in Ocean Park, WA as a FF/EMT. I remember the honor and the joy he found in serving, in helping others, helping his brothers and sisters in the service…but mostly I loved the pride he took in being needed and appreciated like never before. I remember when I would watch him leave behind whatever he was in the middle of doing, yes even sleep in the middle of the night, to jump out the door whenever his pager would go off and his help was needed. He’d spend nights there to help out. He dove into their trainings and loved what he accomplished in his 6 years there as a volunteer.

I joined for a short time as well. Not for the fire aspect. But the medical. This was before I would find out way more about medicine then I ever hoped to, and in a much more intimate and personal role then I ever desired: with our own son. I remember putting on that gear. It was so heavy, weighing not as much as I did, but dang close. I remember how hard it was to simply walk in all of it on flat surfaces.

Needless to say I wasn’t cut out for that. I simply couldn’t keep up…

But Sunday…

my heart melted with such thanks and such joy. Brad and I were invited to attend the 2nd annual Portland FF Stairclimb for a Cure for Cystic Fibrosis that was started and ran by our friends the Louks family. You see, their two grandsons Carson and Brandon have Cystic Fibrosis and are young and vibrant. Their parents, Travis and Elicia, are in the shoes we once walked but times two! It’s a battle that is an uphill fight and it is mandatory and NOT one bit optional, and the direction it leads is never where we want it to go. We love their family desperately, as well as many CF families that we’ve grown close to and have been so fantastic to our family in our greatest need.

Our fight didn’t end when Conner took his last breath on earth…even as he breathed his first full breath in heaven we continued our fight.

To advocate for a cure.

To bring awareness to a disease that is the TOP killer of children of ALL GENETIC DISEASES!

The disease that over 30,000 young children and adults have…

That horrible disease that stole our son.

Brad and I would give anything to keep our friends and even strangers in this same fight from losing their loved ones. It is so desperately, intensely painful, and we simply cant let that happen.

WE CONTINUE TO FIGHT FOR THAT CURE!!!!

Our living children can be carriers of this horrible disease. Theres a 75% chance they are infact. So what if one of our grandchildren was burdened by this horrible disease? 

We refuse to sit by and let that be even a possibility.

Yesterday nearly 400 FF from across the country, some traveling even from Florida to participate, climbed 40 flights of stairs and raised over $61,000 to aid in our FIGHT to bring CF to it’s knees. It was such an amazing, emotional day.

They honored our son.

They dedicated yesterday’s climb to the memory of our son. Brad and I cried so many tears. Most of the FF’s after learning of our loss, would nodd in respect to me, and shake my husbands hands. We were so humbled for their gratitude and their respect. It was a very emotional day to say the least.

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Travis Otterson (sons with CF), Ryan Fisher (with CF) and my hubby

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I’m not going to lie, the emotion didn’t just stem from being surrounded by so much love and support. In those moments of precious love and support from relative strangers, brothers and sisters in the Fire service, it was glaringly apparent that many who love us didn’t come to support us on this important day. Heartbreaking to say the least. It’s very hard right now for us, and we are so THANKFUL for those who’ve stood by our sides, or who have come to our sides during this time. We can not even imagine getting out of bed without you all there to help us! thank you from the bottom of our hearts…

The picture of Brad and i on either side of Connerman brakes my heart to see. It floods my heart with such emotion, knowing that forever now, that’s the closest we can be to our sons image. No longer in the flesh, but on a stretched canvas. and that is heartbreaking indeed.

There’s not much more to say…so I will leave you with this short clip that was on our local newscast last night at 10pm…

goodnight and thank you for your love and support…

http://www.kgw.com/video/featured-videos/Fire-fighters-climb-stairs-for-Cystic-Fibrosis-103839549.html

Love Love Love

 

 

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I have nothing without you…

Well here it is.

Almost another Thursday.

I can hardly believe it’s been nearly 12 Thursdays since I had the awesome privilege of holding my sweet firstborn son, Conner. Thats 3 months already. I just can’t believe it’s been only 3 months. I thought I’d never make it to this point. It seemed so long to be without him. But let me tell you, I had no clue just how much of an understatement that would be.

IT FEELS LIKE IT’S BEEN FOREVER…

Like it’s been years. I can’t recall his scent. I can still hear his sweet innocent voice though. I still see his precious gap toothed smile in my mind. I still remember his touch. His gentle touch.

But…

I also remember too vividly that last day with him.

Like it was yesterday.

I remember seeing his pulse ox numbers start to dwindle…the last number I recall seeing was 65 before we shut it off. I remember seeing his skin paling and turning blue right in front of my eyes. I remember the heat from his skin slowly seeping away…his circulation becoming poor and his body starting to cool. I remember lifting his arms to hold his hands and his body was limp. I remember his last breath. I will never forget it as long as I live.  I remember how life felt so chaotic, how my brain simply couldn’t grasp what was fully happening. Yet, I knew it was nearly over. His suffering was nearly over. And mine was only getting ready to begin.

12 Thursdays ago…

I feel so far away from him. I don’t feel his presence as close as I once did. Almost as if he’s off helping other souls. I get that. But I miss him. If i can’t have him in the flesh…then I’ll settle for him in spirit…but I need him closer. So much is going on. So much he would be so saddened by. He no doubt is heartbroken to see his mommy and daddy in such great turmoil, so different. For sure he hears Hunters nightly prayers that Jesus would take the greatest care of his big brother and best friend. Surely Conner hears his baby B’s cries for “Conner Jones song” over and over again. Our lives are just so damaged. Beyond repair. Words could never give our grief justice. Not one thing in our lives right now is a constant except for God and our family of 5 minus 1. So much has happened in just weeks time. We’ve lost so much. It’s endless it seems…

We’re learning so many horrible lessons that I wished we never had to.

It still sometimes feels like it’s just a horrible nightmare.

I’m pretty good most days to keep myself busy so I don’t have time to sit and remember just how much I’ve lost. But in the silence, in the stillness of my heart, in the quietness of night…my soul knows. It remembers. I cry for him. I’m desperate for him. Some days just driving down the street I’ll start crying for him…sometimes I don’t even know I’m crying…all of a sudden my face is wet with tears. It’s just so common to me lately. I feel nausiated, I feel sad, I feel helpless, I feel a failure, I feel weak, I feel abandoned. It’s overwhelming to feel such extremes. People sometimes expect too much from me. Sure if we make plans, I’m going to attempt to look decent and try to put on my happy smily face…because I do have social manners. But if one was to spend an entire day with me…in the background where I couldn’t notice you…you’d see a much more realistic picture of grief. The grief of a mama for her sweet son. It looks more like this…

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That’s my fancy diagram!

That is how I feel. I go thru a pattern of unpatterns. My emotions twist and turn each and every moment of each day. One moment I’m ok, the next I am overwhelmed in grief, the next I am crippled to the point of exhaustion, the next I’m ok and off to run an errand. It’s erratic. It’s crazy. It’s totally the complete opposite of who I used to be. Neat, tidy, overly organized OCD Sarah has no say anymore in my day. The new Sarah…well I’m learning all about her and learning to love her…but it’s complicated. I miss neat and tidy. I miss emotions being tucked nicely in my beautiful little package with the big pretty bow on it, on the top shelf behind all the books for nobody to know. That simply doesn’t exist anymore. That package has been exposed, crushed and thrown away weeks ago. I have no control sometimes over my emotions or what triggers them. Such a helpless feeling. Missing my son on top of that worsens it all. Learning to live with my husband in our mutual but totally different grief is even harder. Trying to hold it together enough to even slap a PB & J on the table for my boys for dinner requires total concentration. Learning to be ok with whose left in my life is another change. Learning that trust can be broken, and I don’t have to fix it. I’m tired living to please others and to make sure everyone likes me. Reality is not everyone will, and that is ok. I can only control myself. But it too is a change for me.

Everythings so different.

I love those who’ve come out of the woodworks and stepped up to be there for me. I was shocked who it would turn out to be, and who it would no longer be. But I’m ok with it. Change happens and you have to learn to accept it and go with the flow, or it’ll rule your life and hold you back. One of the many lessons I’ve been learning these past weeks…People I barely knew, or even never knew have stepped in when familiar and loved people checked out. A delicate dance, but it truly is still in perfect balance. I just had to learn to be ok with change.

I just wish I could’ve learned all this with my son still here.

Living.

Breathing.

Fighting.

Loving.

12 Thursdays… 3 months… 92 days…and countless hours, minutes and seconds…

WITHOUT HIM…

and truly I am NOTHING without him…

Hunter Love

Can’t do one without the other….

Enjoy a few baby pics of Hunter the now Biggest brudder…

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And a few others I have edited…

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ryan

 

Love Love Love

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Baby B Love

A blog in pictures tonight…

Introducing my Baby B during his beloved Bath Time…Enjoy!

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and now….

Some of my fav’s of Baby B taken since his big brother Conner left us…

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bathtime

icecream

 

Love Love Love

Sunday, September 19, 2010

EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS…

What is twisted cannot be straightened, what is lacking cannot be counted.

for with much wisdom comes much sorrow,

the more knowledge the more grief.

there is a time for everything.

and a season for every activity under heaven.

a time to be born and a time to die.

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build.

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up

a time to keep and a time to throw away

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

whatever is has already been

and what will be has been before;

and God will call the past to account.

and i saw something else under the sun.

in the place of judgement,

in the place of justice wickedness was there,

i thought in my head

god will bring to judgment

both the righteous and the wicked,

for there will be a time for every activity and a time for every deed.

the fool folds his hands

and ruins himself,

better one handful with tranquillity

than two handfuls with toil

and chasing after the wind.

two are better than one,

because they have a good return for their work,

if one falls down

his friend can help him up.

but pity the man who falls

and has no one to help him up.

also if two lie down together, they will keep warm,

but how can one keep warm alone?

though one may be overpowered,

two can defend themselves.

a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

do not be quick with your mouth

do not be hasty in your heart

to utter anything before God.

God is in heaven.

and you are on earth.

let your words be few.

as a dream comes when there are many cares,

so the speech of a fool when there are many words.

the more the words, the less the meaning.

a good name is better than  a fine perfume,

and the day of death better than the day of birth.

it is better to go to a house of mourning

than to go to a house of feasting.

for death is the destiny of every man,

the living should take this to heart.

sorrow is better than laughter,

because a sad face is good for the heart.

the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning.

but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

it is better to heed a wise mans rebuke

than to listen to the song of fools.

extortion turns a wise man into a fool,

and a bribe corrupts the heart.

the end of a matter is better than its beginning.

and patience is better than pride.

do not be quickly provoked in your spirit,

for anger resides in the lap of fools.

do not pay attention to every word people say

or you may hear your servant cursing you

for you know in your heart

that many times you yourself have cursed others.

i find more bitter than death is

the woman who is snare,

whose heart is a trap

and whose hands are chains,

the man who pleases god will escape her, but the sinner

she will ensnare.

for the living know that they will die,

but the dead know nothing.

they have no further reward,

and even the memory of them is forgotten.

their love, their hate

and their jealousy have long since vanished.

never again will they have a part in anything that happens under the sun (AMEN!)

words from a wise mans mouth are gracious,

but a fool is consumed by his own lips.

at the beginning his words are folly,

at the end they are wicked madness and the fool multiplies words.

now all has been heard

here is the conclusion of the matter:

FEAR GOD AND KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS,

FOR THIS IS THE WHOLE DUTY OF MAN.

FOR GOD WILL BRING EVERY DEED INTO JUDGMENT,

INCLUDING EVERY HIDDEN THING OR THOUGHT,

WHETHER IT IS GOOD OR EVIL.

AMEN AMEN AMEN.

So glad for Ecclesiastes…God is bringing me much comfort in these words…

everything…all of the drama…all of the brokenheartedness and cruel words of others…it’s ALL MEANINGLESS…I’m living to be with my son again in heaven and nothing will stand in my way of him. so i can proclaim with the purest of intentions and the love in my heart in Jesus name that YOU CAN NOT DESTROY ME, NOR CAN YOU CRUSH MY SPIRIT, MY SON AND MY FAMILY IS TOO IMPORTANT TO LET YOUR LIES AND CRUEL HEARTS JUDGE ME…

amen and amen amen in JESUS NAME AMEN

Saturday, September 18, 2010

It’s raining AND pouring…

today was Hunter and baby B’s bday party. the day started off so beautiful, not a cloud in the sky, it was warm and nice and i was energized and people were on there way…and everything just seemed perfect.

shouldn’t have even thought it.

bomb after bomb dropped today. the rain poured. and i mean POURED!!! that beautiful Conner son faded into grey and then the sky turned black and it was just UGLY.

I also realized today just how ugly some people can be.

and maybe they don’t even realize how ugly they are becoming.

but…

im done playing games. my life is too important to waste living for someone elses drama. You can keep it to yourself and your life. afterall, we only get one shot at this so why waste time feeling angry and hurt? i’d much rather walk away and be free to live my life for me and my family in happiness and in peace.

i’m done trying to figure out everyones intentions. it’s exhausting.  i hate that i even have to. but i do. i’ve been spit on, my marriage has been spit upon and so i have to build walls. there are just some people who thrive on drama. but the good part of that is, you can see it from there history. past friendships…it’s the same thing over and over. one friend after the next friend after the next. so i just have to shut those doors when they need to be shut and just simply walk away… i refuse to let my life be further destroyed by someone elses unhappiness and despair.

still wish it didn’t hurt so much.

i trust people. i invest in people, time and love and relationships. and thats what makes everything now more complex. it’s hard to wash my hands and be done with it…but i’m learning that i have to. that sometimes people just need their moment of ugliness that we all get from time to time. you can’t change that…so just walk away from it. wish me luck.

i just look back at these past 11 weeks and i can’t believe all that has changed. above all my son is just gone…UHG. some “friends” have showed some of their ugliest features. some have simply stopped calling. afterall, conners gone now so what is there i could possibly need right? sheesh. and maybe it’s me but i just can’t help but to be so pissed about it all. why did i spend time investing in these people that i love and call my best friends for them to just to ditch me over many stupid things right at the same time i was trying to figure out how i’m supposed to function now without Conner. i feel they’ve been so selfish. One even told me that it’s “not all about me”…wow. i mean WOW. life isn’t all about me. but my life is. and because my son left me behind and i’m fragile and struggeling and on top of that “friends” leave…it kinda does appear that it has been all about me. i wish it wasnt trust me. real friends would be there thru the thick and thin and the ugliest of the ugly…not just the fun happy lets go sit and drink beer or walk the lake type fun. but there for me. some real friends would’ve showed compassion to me instead of getting jealous and hurt over other friendships.  real friends would at least TRY to put themselves in my shoes when all in my world is crashing down on me and then I react in my families best interests to protect us…friends would attempt to understand. i cant appologize for protecting my family. when conner passed and my “friends” started showing some pretty ugly and petty sides to themselves i didn’t know who i could trust. i didn’t know who was really there for me. i didn’t know why nobody’s story matched up yet they all expected me to believe them. so what do i do? i jump out of my seat and block my facebook to protect my family.  and i’m not sorry that i did that. cus it turns out that some that have been blocked are no longer part of my life for very good reason. so thats fine i guess. but what i am sorry for was that it ever had to come to that. it never should’ve gotten so out of hand. i tell you all it was like a high school girl cat fight. and i was caught in it, after burying my child…and now i have the nerve to question peoples intentions…

just doesn’t make sense.

i have just a small handfull of friends that i know and i can trust.

and thats it.

and thats perfect.

the question marks are gone.

and that makes me happy.

but man i wish it didn’t have to pour today…

Monday, September 13, 2010

9-12-10

i hate talking about Conner in the past tense.

it is a constant slap in myface…wake up sarah, back to reality.

he was” not “he is”

today was Hunter’s 5th birthday.

Conner was glaringly gone.

absent.

Hunter had a good day. He got to chose the paths we took today. It was a fun day. Well morning I should say. I had made plans to visit with a friend around 2pm so up until that point it was whatever hunter wanted to do. Smiles, donuts, dancing, celtic music, clapping, laughing, kisses, playing…you name it. a wonderful morning. Hunter asked about Conner a few times, like if was he celebrating in heaven today etc.

meeting up with my friend today was good.

she has a daughter with cf, one of Conners first friends with CF. Well hospital buddy i should say. they met when she was in room 41 i believe and Conner was in room 44 or 45. He was 2. She was 4. Now he was 7 and now she is 9. He passed two months ago already, and she is declining each day.

my heart is broken for them.

the same doctors and cf team, the same prognosis, the same cultures, the same o2 issues, the same meds, the same pft results…for two very special children. i was glad to talk with her today. i had to. i wished so desperately that i had someone to really sit down and talk to when we were going thru this with Conner. But I knew of nobody. So as hard as it is to see them walking the paths we just couldn’t escape from, it is more important for me to be there for them as i wished for myself a few months back. we live so close, literally 10 minutes apart. there’s no reason not to. our kids have been in the hospital so many times together…she came to say goodbye to Conner the day he passed. Her daughter came too! It touched my heart that they did. I can’t imagine being that strong to see their worst fear coming true for us…

She made gorgeous red rose hair/shirt collar clips for Conners service.

I know Conner’s holding her hand thru it all. I know it.

He loved her so much.

They were Bingo day enemies. it was a huge game for them. who would win? Conner won every time except his last admit with her…she won!!!! He said that she needed a bingo buddies shirt then too! but bright pink since that was her favorite color!!!! He loved that blank ball they’d call in the blackout game thats usually how he won!

she’s going in to be admitted tomorrow. she’s on a every other week or so iv schedule. home or inpatient. or orals. just depends.

her make a wish is coming up on october 1st…she’s going to mall of america to shop shop SHOP!!!! i’m so happy for her.

but my heart is so heavy for their family. it’s too similiar.

damn MRSA.

I know a cure is of the upmost importance, but MRSA in CF is growing like wildfire. and it is causing these tiny kids to deteriorate rapidly. She cultured MRSA the same admit that Conner did. November 2008. Conner got worse fast…and she has as well.

i hate how cf kept them and all others with cf apart. bacteria is too much of a risk. but they were and still are kindred spirits.

i was so happy to be able to afford to buy her something special today that Connerman had asked for about a week before he passed but it all happened too quickly…so i know that he’s so happy she has it now. monetarily it may sound like a large gift…but it wasn’t enough. more than some $200 gift what i truly wanted to give her was a CURE…

and it breaks my soul that the CURE wont come in time for both our angels.

that is not ok.

she is only 9.

he was only 7.

she has two younger brothers who adore her, that everytime she gets sick they rush to her side.

he has two brothers who now are afraid to hear anyone cough, cus Hunter says that if they catch the coughs they will die just like brother Conner. :(

she has two amazing parents who are fighting as hard as they can, cry when they can, and hurt all the time but you couldn’t tell it by their faces. their knee deep in their fight.

he has two parents wishing to be in that fight still.

oh missy dear you know i’m talking to you. i love you. i love your amazing fashion sense while stuck in the hospital. i love your love of the color pink…BRIGHT PINK! I love your sweet smile. I hate that you’re sick sweety. i wish nothing more than peace, comfort, and love to you. and good health to go SHOP!!!

CF needs to stop.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

If I could I would…

Conner…

If I could I would tell you how I was the luckiest woman in the world to have been chosen to be your mother.

If I could I would tell you that when I first found out I was pregnant, I hid it from our daddy for a day because I was terrified…

If I could I would tell you that once I told him about you we both became so excited. and so thankful.

If I could I would tell you that even though I was only 22 when I found out and felt so young, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

If I could I would tell you that each Dr that told us to give up on you never had a chance in our minds. We loved you so much, we knew we were your voice.

If I could I would tell you that each and every pound I gained, each tear I cried, the c-section scar, all the traveling 3 hours each way to see the high risk doctors, all of it my dear were worth it. all of it.

If I could i would tell you that the moment I saw you, I loved you. I felt my heart leap from my chest and part of it never returned to me. It stayed with you.

If I could I would tell you that taking you home was the best experience. I wasn’t afraid at all. I felt ready to handle all that God gave to us.

If I could I would tell you that you were the best baby. You never fussed. You were always so happy and alert. Always smiling. You were a beautiful baby boy.

If I could I would tell you that quitting my job to be home with you was the best decision I ever made.

If I could I would tell you that your first trip to the ER in the ambulance code 3 was the first time I realized I could lose you.

If I could I would tell you that by the next ER visit in the ambulance, my nerves were gone, my adrenaline kicked in and i became the advocate you needed me to be, and never looked back.

If I could I would tell you that I was so honored to be strong for your weaknesses.

If I could I would tell you that I used to spend so much time kissing and blowing raspberries on your beautiful squishy tummy…

If I could i would tell you that the day you were diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis I cried and cried. I mourned the loss of the “healthy” child I thought we had.

If I could I would tell you though, that by the next morning I dried my eyes and put my fingers to the keys and started researching and doing everything i could do for you.

If I could I would tell you that watching you cry in fear and pain with all those IV’s and PICC lines and blood draws and throat cultures and xrays broke me in two.

If I could I would tell you that I am not half as strong as you were little man. Nor as brave.

If I could i would tell you the day we switched from the NG tube to having the Gtube surgery was a hard day. Reality sank in.

If I could I would tell you that I just knew something was wrong when you were 3 and in the treatment room in the hospital to get your PICC in to start Iv’s and you were in that room way too long. mommy knew…your veins had enough.

If I could I would tell you that I wished so much that I could’ve been in the room to hold your hand thru that PORT surgery. Yet more reality.

If I could I would tell you that your Dr’s, RN’s, aids, Respiratory Therapists, Social Workers, Dieticians,Pediatrician, Child Life Workers, Volunteers and your beloved School teacher at Doernbecher miss you so much sweetie.

If I could I would tell you that to them my dear, you were family too!

If I could I would tell you that all your CF hospital buddies miss you too.

If I could I would tell you that you brought me such joy.

If I could I would tell you that thru your life I have been slowly finding out the purpose in my life.

If I could I would tell you that you have impacted the world. That there are hundreds of people doing Conner Love Deeds (random acts of kindness in his name), renewing lost relationships, finding Christ and living a fuller life because of your beautiful spirit.

If I could I would tell you that each day mommy thinks of you at least once a minute. and that is not a lie.

If I could I would tell you that we all speak of you each day.

If I could I would tell you that your precious Baby B still has those cheeks that you love that constantly remind me of you. He is so silly you would love him to pieces.

If I could I would tell you that your best friend Hunter misses you desperately, but he is doing ok. He speaks of you all the time, points out all the “red for Conner” and prays for you and talks with you alot (although you know that already don’t you?)

If I could I would tell you thank you for making the sun shine when brother Hunter asks you for that.

If I could I would tell you thank you for the legos we’ve found…and for the daily red paper crumbs on our floor and all of the red you put in our path each day.

If I could I would tell you that I’m doing my best my love. I’m doing my best.

If I could I would tell you that we miss you terribly. That we want you to come walking thru that door. That brothers wanna swing with you, that daddy wants to have campouts with you, that mommy wants to snuggle you…that daddy and i wish to hear 3 boys argue and fight over trivial nothingness…just once more.

Ooooh son there’s so much I wish I could tell you. I know you hear my heart and prayers…

But most of all if I could I would hug you, snuggle you, love you, kiss you, touch you, smell you, kiss your belly, carry you, fight for you, die for you, make any food you want for you, read any book to you, take you anywhere you wanted to go…oh baby boy…

I SO WISH I COULD…

Thursday, September 9, 2010

It’s been 77 days…

so hard to believe that my 7 year and 77 day old son has been gone for 77 heart wrenching days already.

77!

It just doesn’t seem at all possible.

I guess in reflection I’m going to make a list of all the lessons I’ve learned since his passing…in no particular order except for the first one

Death of a child is AWFUL!!!

I’ve learned that each day presents you nothing but choices…and to make them wisely. Because with each decision comes a consequence.

I’ve learned that kids are so truly amazing at understanding death and finding ways to bounce back…kids are amazing!

I’ve learned the importance of living each day staring high at Conner’s face in heaven…so that I will reach him there one day…

I’ve learned what have become obvious triggers to my sadness and try my best to avoid them.

I’ve learned that even with the most careful planning, everything can go wrong. In an instant.

I’ve learned to lean into my feelings.

I’ve learned to be quiet and simply breathe.

I’ve learned His strength is more than sufficient for me.

I’ve learned that footprints in the sand truly are powerful…for he’s been carrying me…every tiny step forward and every giant leap backwards.

I’ve learned to be ok with the random bursts of tears.

I’ve learned that when people ask it’s ok to say that I’m not ok.

I’ve learned how to pick up a phone and dial it when I need help

I’ve learned that the enemy is ready and waiting to have a field day with me because I’m putting myself out there for God.

I’ve learned that HE HAS NO POWER OVER MY LIFE, LOVE, OR DECISIONS.

I’ve learned that it’s important to eat even when I’m not hungry…thank you to my many friends for helping me with this…

I’ve learned that so many people are watching me as an example…and I’m humbled by that…but very much aware of that responsibility.

I’ve learned that people make mistakes.

I’ve learned that most people like to put grief and sadness in a tiny beautiful package with a pretty bow on it and not ever look at it again.

I’ve learned how to make my world stop turning on it’s axis while the rest of the world moves on from Conner’s death.

I’ve learned grief is a looooooong process.

I’ve learned that if i rush it, then it will harm me, not help me.

I’ve learned that it’s ok to be vulnerable.

I’ve learned that while i thought I had a lot of friends…I truly only have a fraction of what I had thought.

I’ve learned that that’s ok, because it’s QUALITY OVER QUANTITY!!!!!

I’ve learned it’s totally ok to not get out of my jammies each day. That nobody has expectations for me except for the ones I place upon myself.

I’ve learned actions speak volumes louder than words.

I’ve learned that if God has brought me to it, He’ll lead me thru it…ONLY if I let him.

I’ve learned to love the color red.

I’ve learned to appreciate the little things like a strangers smile…

I’ve learned that kids won’t parish by eating nothing but PB&J a week in a row for dinner…infact they think they’re LUCKY!

I’ve learned that no relationship is safe…

I’ve learned that the louder I am for God, the louder the enemy is, in my ear…

I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever knew.

I’ve learned that I miss him more each day.

I’ve learned the extent of my loss.

I’ve learned that tomorrow is not guaranteed so I had better make today count.

I’ve learned that my husband is my family of 5 minus 1’s HERO.

I’ve learned that my own burdens pale in comparison to others…

I’ve learned the surefire way to stop dwelling on my own negative is to reach out to pray for others…it is so humbling.

I’ve learned to let go of some people.

I’ve learned that strangers can be burden buddies far beyond what I thought imaginable.

I’ve learned the true meaning of LOVE LOVE LOVE

I’ve learned to see the beauty in Conner’s LOVE legacy and I’ve learned to be so glad to have been chosen to raise him up to his potential.

I’ve learned that God trusts me with far more than I would ever trust myself with.

I’ve learned that pain is intense.

I’ve learned that I am Conner’s voice here on earth…

I’ve learned to listen to what Conner tells me and teaches me each day.

I’ve learned that I don’t need to have the answers. Following blindly is called faith…and nothing matters more than that.

I’ve learned that life is overwhelming.

I’ve learned that I am so glad to have God walking me thru this…I can’t imagine doing this alone…

Most of all I’ve learned that this hole in my heart will never be filled. Ever. I’ve learned and accepted that he is NOT COMING BACK TO ME…so I had better work to ensure that I GET TO HIM…I’ve learned that my family of 5 minus the beautiful 1 who was 7 years and 77 days old are the most precious blessings in my life…and nothing else besides God matters…

I just watch this and smile…so enjoy!

 

You’re so vain I betcha think this blog is about YOU…

don’t you???

hee hee hee that made me laugh…but more than that…this blog is about you.

the one who claims this blog is always about her…this time my dear SA it is for you.

and only for you.

I love you.

I love your family.

I feel honored to have been there when D was diagnosed a year and a half ago. I’ve felt honored to walk that path with your family. Honored.

I feel so glad that I’ve been allowed to watch C grow up. From this little boy, well not little i guess, but toddler, into this inquisitive boy who loves to talk about human nature, hold food in his cheeks like a squirrel and introduce me to the world of Yo gabba gabba. love him.

and p.

well there are no words adequate. i was there to watch her grow and progress and break down each barrier that the progress center and other organizations put in front of her. i just knew she was a fireball. with an amazing spirit. and she loved me…and i love how she loved me…i hope she still will.

i was there when your family was torn apart at war. I WAS THERE. i was there to pick u back up, raise your head and spirits, watch your kids, be your number one chearleader although we BOTH knew i had no spirit fingers…i was honored to be considered a best friend. i was honored that J trusted me while he was half a world away fighting for our freedoms. brad and i considered it the least we could do for your family…although i always felt it could never be said enough or shown enough…we love you. we honor your friendships and we cherish your family as an extension of our own.

love.

the words that you’ve spoken crushed me at a time when i felt like you should’ve been there for me. no matter what. i never expected everyone to be friends with everyone, i have many different groups of friends as well as most people i know. and i was stunned by how insecure you became and how you grew to resent our friendship. i am crushed that you let the enemy pierce your heart and more so that you would turn on me.

i am not perfect.

i never once claimed to be. i’m not a perfect mom or christian, or heck not even a perfect human being…we are all faulty.

that is how we are made.

but we are also taught and it’s gods greatest hope that in times when we feel our worst or the enemy is attacking our spirit, it’s THEN when we’re to lean on god and really focus on Him..and to not let the enemy determine our paths born out of lies.

i’m so broken that you let him win.

you chose to let him get between you and me.

our families.

the words you are speaking against me to almost complete strangers are tragic, slanderous, and pure evil. but my heart deep down believes that you know just as well as i do that you’re hurt. deeply hurt. and never gave me, nor god the chance to go in and try to fix it. you chose the easy way out…to walk away, claiming to not care, to heap coals on my head and slander mine and my husbands name to anyone who will listen.

but my dear we all know better.

we know you’re hurting.

we know that the pain youre feeling out of jealousy, anger, fear, all of it…

and my heart hurts for you. it truly does.

i’m devestated by your actions and harsh words and your attempts to divide brad and my marriage.

i pray you will stop.

i pray your heart will soften to really let god in. to really let him love you the way that no human being ever could. i pray for peace in your soul and your home and in the lives of your children. i pray for your circumstances whatever they may be. i pray for you.

because i love you.

and while i wish i could close my heart sometimes when it’s been crushed over and over again i simply cannot.

so i pray for you.

for me.

for us.

for this horrible circumstance.

and i pray that you find a true love relationship with Him so you can show the enemy the way out the door…

to not let him divide yet another friendship because thats the easy way out…it’s happened with you over and over again…

my head will never come out of this “fog” this is my life, and you can’t imagine the pain nor the burden i bare.

my husband is not having an affair, and there are no rumors going around about that except for the ones coming out of your mouth.

the fact that you would bring up my having to supplement my income because of the loss of my dear son is just shattering to me.

you of all people know my story.

you know of our struggles.

remember toy soldier bazarre…i thought you got it?

this was never something i was hiding…but speaking it out about town the way you do/have is so painful for me.

your laundry is not mine to air.

your deepest concerns, worries, and pains are just those…your own.

speaking to you now in the only way i know you will listen to i beg of you to stop.

i don’t beg of you to still be friends with me.

you don’t owe me a thing, and i owe you not one thing either…

leave me alone. leave my marriage alone. leave my family alone.

and please…

please

let my son rest in peace.

Monday, September 6, 2010

labor day…

makes me think of just one thing today.

labor.

and delivery.

makes me think of connerman. makes my bones ache. makes my eyes sting, full of tears.

makes today worthless.

because i am a mother. missing one of my own.

the two i have could never fill that void and no other could ever replace that void.

i love them.

i love him.

and today it’s overwhelming.

camping was a nice respite.

a breath of fresh air for my soul.

not that i didn’t think of him, because i did.

i pondered how it would’ve been had he still been here…truthfully we wouldn’t have gone…but if we had it would’ve been so different.

and now i’m home, sitting in the stench of 3 days worth of campfire…long after two showers and a thorough clothes washing.

i still reek.

smoke makes my mind wander to cf.

it always has.

the way i get so disgusted that people chose to smoke and kill their beautiful lungs that my son never had a chance for, but would’ve given anything for. and now i’m covered in that stench.

saturated in it.

my.

heart.

is.

acheing.

my heart is broken.

my pain is so deafening.
it overshadows everything i do, everything i attempt to do, and probably everything i ever will do.

i’m a mom desperate.

cut open.

broken.

unwhole.

lonely.

jealous.

bitter.

angry.

all the business in the world could never take my mind off him.

i read back to blogs i wrote even a month prior to his death…i really had no clue the pain i would endure.

because of that monster.

i had no idea how death truly works…invading your life and space and leaving not one thing about you untouched.

it changes every little thing you do, and changes the way you are.

fully.

this is as close to a mid life crisis as i can imagine.

starting over.

indulging.

but never feeling whole.

my heart hurts for baby b and hunter. they speak of conner each day now.

they are starting to get it.

they are hurting. deeply.

and just as i couldn’t save conner, there’s nothing i can do to make that pain go away for them.

because he is gone.

gone gone gone

never coming back

hunter asks why he’s the big brother now.

baby b says his name all day long.

stares at his pictures and says his name.

hunter wakes up crying, nightmares, missing him.

we love them, we hug them we rock them, we help to calm them down…but we have not much more to give them.

because their pain is ours as well.

we carry the burden of losing a child,

losing ourselves,

losing each other,

and losing our childrens innocent lifes.

and we’re helpless to do anything to stop it.

because honestly there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

he’s gone.

we’re not.

and we’re forced to make that connection again from point a to z.

but we’re stuck at only point b.

helpless…

and hurting.

ive never in my life experienced such intense emotions.

where i know that if someone was to just see my face they’d know for sure what i’m dealing with. because my face is heavy with grief.

my heart is heavy with sadness.

and it is wide open and visible for the masses.

all the lucky people who will never know such pain.

i’m envious of you.

there are days where gods strength isn’t enough.

there are days that i wish so much to just sleep the pain away.

so i can meet him again in my dreams and see his sweet face…

but duty calls.

thank god for that.

thank god for that miracle.

i just honestly would give anything to be with him. i work so hard each day, so very consciously about my actions and my choices…

because i’ve lost him once already…

i can’t lose him again.

and though i know and stand confident in my forever life with him…part of me can’t grasp that concept.

it seems too far away to be true.

i wish that i could pack up the 4 of us and we could hop on the train to heaven and never come back.

be a family again.

whole.

and in love.

and safe.

and free.

there is not one thing i want more.

to be the jones family of 5…

not the jones 5 minus 1…

i could live without ever breathing this side of heaven again…

i dream of it.

get to a place where we can feel whole again. see him again. be a full family again. having an angel son may sound sweet to those who haven’t experienced the gut wrenching pain that comes along with that horrible title. but to me…angel is just another word that reminds me of pain.

deep pain.

cus he’s gone.

yes he’s still here with me…

but he’s gone.

i’m alone.

we’re alone.

i’m so tired of filling my days with business just so they fly by.

i need more than that.

i need meaning.

i need my family back.

that deeply intense grief i felt after he took his last breaths is back…and i’m afraid that it’s unpacked it’s bags and has no plans to leave anytime soon.

the thick lump in my throat and the tears that are constantly in my eyes are never ending…i just can’t imagine it ever getting easier.

i can’t.

i’m just a lonely, pitiful excuse of a woman these days.

i don’t feel like the sarah i once did.

i feel so low.

so helpless.

i couldn’t save conner…and i can’t comfort my kids in the way they wish i could.

its a very inadequate feeling.

to be a mom…a nurturer by name…and not be able to nurture.

to be so full of love for my family, my 5 minus 1…but not really be able to show it…cus i’m just so broken.

hunter starts school tomorrow…

he’s leaving me too…

it’ll be me and b and the silence.

and i’m not ready for that.

i don’t want that.

i want conner, hunter and baby b home with me all the time. i want brad home with us.

no hospitals

no medication

no iv’s

no treatments

no therapies

no pokies

no scales

no doctors

no g tubes or ports

no oxygen concentrators

no bipap

no pain

no rain

no cystic fibrosis

no pain

no pain

no pain

just deep, deep breaths full of love and life…and no worries…

and just love…love….love…

not this pitiful sad excuse for a labor day…

i feel like the oldest 30 year old in the world…

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Thursday, September 2, 2010

won’t waste one moment w/o you…

“these wounds wont seem to heal, this pain is just too real, theres just no much that time can not erase…when you cried i wiped away all of your tears, when you’d scream i’d fight away all of your fears. and i held your hand thru all of these years, but you still have……all of me…”

i can’t get that song out of my head. my immortal by evenesence.

as a mom i feel these words to my core.

as a mom i carry the 5inch long scar across my pelvis that shows the world that infact i am a mother. i live for another. i breathe, and fight and care more for others than i do of myself. my scar proves it. i remember the pain of that scar. i remember how i used to look at it embarrassed. i remember thinking how horrible it looked and how much the pregnancy part of becoming a mother changed my body. in ways that i hated. all that beloved left over weight i blamed on eating for two. the gorgeaus baby belly that is never ending. i remember how much that incision hurt for weeks. i remember it well.

but now…i look at that incision scar and my heart breaks. its my proof that Conner was here…he was mine, if even for a little while. Its the only physical proof on my body. the pain that it insists just by seeing it…and now the pain i feel is inside. and is far more damaging, far worse. the scar would be from the top of my head to the tippiest of my toes. and it would be still wide open. no stitches. it has to heal from the inside out. but i’m the only one who can see it. i’m the only one who can feel it. that tiny little c-section scar was such a small price to pay for such a wonderful life. for such a wonderful son. it’s my only physical proof of the fight it reflects. he really was here. he really was mine. this pain i feel is legitimate and intense. there was such great medication to heal from that phsical scar. that incision. but the scar im trying to heal from now, no medication could ever touch it. it could never penetrate deep enough. never. and nobody knows that scars there unless they know me….i look like any other mom walking around the grocery store with a long list of to-dos and little patience some days for my kiddos every need. but there in my heart i wonder if people can see the pain in my eyes, the way i feel it. i wonder if they know the way i do, that i really am a mother to 3 sons, not just the 2 represented.

i wonder if they can feel my stares when they have a child around Conners age. I have this need to see just what he’d be doing. I need to grieve the loss of the next milestones. Too many to even name. but so necessary for my grieving.  i wonder if they can feel me watching them complain or yell at their kids over the littlest of infractions. i wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have their loved one there to yell at. i wonder when i pass along friendly smiles to each person i pass whether i know them or not, i wonder if they can feel the desperation in my heart, the pain on my lips?

i’m part of the walking wounded.

a group smaller yet larger than even i know of. i feel like my wounds are on the very outside of my flesh, fully exposed to each person who walks near me. my smile, my eyes, my face say it all. but i’ve yet to see someone look the same way i feel i do. maybe their wounds are now covered with a scab. i don’t know.

but i feel alive yet dead.

i feel so thankful yet so forgotten.

i feel so put together, yet so torn apart.

i feel so strong, but so much more vulnerable.

i feel sturdy yet unsure.

i feel hesitant and so afraid.

grief is a very sticky, tangled up web of feelings and emotions. it’s a maze. one i cannot find myself in, at any given moment of the day.

one moment i feel sure, the next i take a turn and am lost in the corridor of pain. this is why it is so hard to explain. its the best and worst of life.

it teaches me to be so, so thankful for what i have and what i have lost…

yet in the same breath it teaches me to be cautious and apprehensive about the next battle.

there will always be a next battle.

as much as this lesson and this pain and experience hurts, i know its not the last one we’ll be faced with.

while i pray that this is the hardest one we will have to face…in the back of my mind i know there is no guarantee.

there is always something worse.

always someone going thru more than even i can imagine.

always.

life is circumstantial.

and the devil likes to play it that way.

he likes to keep you thinking that you have been forgotten and abandoned. that you are unloved, that you are the only one going thru your situation and that god himself did it to you.

that devil…is pure evil.

truth is…i know with all my heart god did not do this to us. but i know he allowed it to happen. i know that he caught each one of my tears and even cried them of his own with me. he is for us, not against us. but the truth is, this suffering, this misery comes at a very high price. and what i chose to do with it will either be used to glorify him or deny him.

i try desperately to do the first…

it doesn’t mean one bit that i’m not mad at him, because truth be told i am. i’m very mad at him. and thats ok.

he’s a big enough god to take my anger.

but i can’t and won’t let that anger define my relationship with him. because i need him. i cannot imagine going thru this w/o him. and honestly i feel i’m in the greatest of company because he himself had to watch his son die…so he knows my pain intimately. and i know he feels it with me.

i hate that today is thursday.

i hate that it’s been 9 weeks already.

how can that be?

i feel so alone today. i feel the loss so desperately.

i went to see him today. its getting increasingly difficult to do that.

because being there reminds me that hes gone and never coming back.

he will never, never come back.

i have to live in a way to get to him…that is my only hope to see him again.

i stand ontop of his angel body. the grass still reflects that of new sod placed and not yet taking root. its ugly. and horrible. i picture him. i remember the way he looked at his viewing…how it appeared to be my son, but all traces of the real soul of conner was gone. it didnt really look like him. i can’t shake that image.

how i wish i could kiss him.

hug him.

punish him.

clean him.

anything.

once a mother, always a mother. i am a living nurturer with an expired job…for him.

nothing but what ifs and wish i coulda’s….

and a broken heart, a huge incision with no sign of it scabbing anytime soon…

empty promises.

empty eyes.

loving thoughts.

hopeful prayers.

this all seems just so strange…and so untrue.

i try to force my mind to tell my heart that your gone…but it refuses to believe it as the truth.

i’m so ok and so not ok…

torn…

lost yet found…

bearing no visible scars of the deep, intense pain i feel…but staring at this c section scar from the birth of sweet conner i am reminded that this is strange…but it is true.

my pain is not in vain. it is not wasted energy.

oh sweet conner…i won’t waste one tiny fraction of a moment of this life without you…

i’m working to ensure that i get to you oneday…whole.

until that glorious day my sweetie hold me so close and never leave me.

my scar is much too deep…

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