My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Saturday, September 11, 2010

If I could I would…

Conner…

If I could I would tell you how I was the luckiest woman in the world to have been chosen to be your mother.

If I could I would tell you that when I first found out I was pregnant, I hid it from our daddy for a day because I was terrified…

If I could I would tell you that once I told him about you we both became so excited. and so thankful.

If I could I would tell you that even though I was only 22 when I found out and felt so young, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

If I could I would tell you that each Dr that told us to give up on you never had a chance in our minds. We loved you so much, we knew we were your voice.

If I could I would tell you that each and every pound I gained, each tear I cried, the c-section scar, all the traveling 3 hours each way to see the high risk doctors, all of it my dear were worth it. all of it.

If I could i would tell you that the moment I saw you, I loved you. I felt my heart leap from my chest and part of it never returned to me. It stayed with you.

If I could I would tell you that taking you home was the best experience. I wasn’t afraid at all. I felt ready to handle all that God gave to us.

If I could I would tell you that you were the best baby. You never fussed. You were always so happy and alert. Always smiling. You were a beautiful baby boy.

If I could I would tell you that quitting my job to be home with you was the best decision I ever made.

If I could I would tell you that your first trip to the ER in the ambulance code 3 was the first time I realized I could lose you.

If I could I would tell you that by the next ER visit in the ambulance, my nerves were gone, my adrenaline kicked in and i became the advocate you needed me to be, and never looked back.

If I could I would tell you that I was so honored to be strong for your weaknesses.

If I could I would tell you that I used to spend so much time kissing and blowing raspberries on your beautiful squishy tummy…

If I could i would tell you that the day you were diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis I cried and cried. I mourned the loss of the “healthy” child I thought we had.

If I could I would tell you though, that by the next morning I dried my eyes and put my fingers to the keys and started researching and doing everything i could do for you.

If I could I would tell you that watching you cry in fear and pain with all those IV’s and PICC lines and blood draws and throat cultures and xrays broke me in two.

If I could I would tell you that I am not half as strong as you were little man. Nor as brave.

If I could i would tell you the day we switched from the NG tube to having the Gtube surgery was a hard day. Reality sank in.

If I could I would tell you that I just knew something was wrong when you were 3 and in the treatment room in the hospital to get your PICC in to start Iv’s and you were in that room way too long. mommy knew…your veins had enough.

If I could I would tell you that I wished so much that I could’ve been in the room to hold your hand thru that PORT surgery. Yet more reality.

If I could I would tell you that your Dr’s, RN’s, aids, Respiratory Therapists, Social Workers, Dieticians,Pediatrician, Child Life Workers, Volunteers and your beloved School teacher at Doernbecher miss you so much sweetie.

If I could I would tell you that to them my dear, you were family too!

If I could I would tell you that all your CF hospital buddies miss you too.

If I could I would tell you that you brought me such joy.

If I could I would tell you that thru your life I have been slowly finding out the purpose in my life.

If I could I would tell you that you have impacted the world. That there are hundreds of people doing Conner Love Deeds (random acts of kindness in his name), renewing lost relationships, finding Christ and living a fuller life because of your beautiful spirit.

If I could I would tell you that each day mommy thinks of you at least once a minute. and that is not a lie.

If I could I would tell you that we all speak of you each day.

If I could I would tell you that your precious Baby B still has those cheeks that you love that constantly remind me of you. He is so silly you would love him to pieces.

If I could I would tell you that your best friend Hunter misses you desperately, but he is doing ok. He speaks of you all the time, points out all the “red for Conner” and prays for you and talks with you alot (although you know that already don’t you?)

If I could I would tell you thank you for making the sun shine when brother Hunter asks you for that.

If I could I would tell you thank you for the legos we’ve found…and for the daily red paper crumbs on our floor and all of the red you put in our path each day.

If I could I would tell you that I’m doing my best my love. I’m doing my best.

If I could I would tell you that we miss you terribly. That we want you to come walking thru that door. That brothers wanna swing with you, that daddy wants to have campouts with you, that mommy wants to snuggle you…that daddy and i wish to hear 3 boys argue and fight over trivial nothingness…just once more.

Ooooh son there’s so much I wish I could tell you. I know you hear my heart and prayers…

But most of all if I could I would hug you, snuggle you, love you, kiss you, touch you, smell you, kiss your belly, carry you, fight for you, die for you, make any food you want for you, read any book to you, take you anywhere you wanted to go…oh baby boy…

I SO WISH I COULD…

6 comments:

  1. This has to be the most loved filled list of wishes I've ever read. What a blessing little Conner was! And you're right, Conner has impacted the world in bright and shiny ways far beyond what we can even see here on Earth.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I usually just read your posts but I wanted to just say that it was a beautiful post. I read your posts and feel like I need to cherish my little CF guy for every minute we have with him even more than we do now. Thank you so much for sharing your experience here. Personally it has helped me cope in a way with the situation of being a parent of our little guy. Every time I read your posts I have to face a little more of those feelings I have kept locked in that closet in the back of my mind. It has been good for me. Thank you. It has helped me. I know that god will be with you and when you need a little extra than the whole CF community myself included will be there for you.

    Brad and Marissa

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a love. Your words remind me of the love of our heavenly Father. Thank you for sharing them. My prayers have been with you for a while now... I wish I could help you bear this sorrow. With each tear I'll continue my prayers for the CF community.

    In Christ,
    Meggs

    ReplyDelete
  4. If I may, Sarah, I'd like to tell you that I am one of those hundreds of people living a fuller life because of your words and LOVE for Conner. I am a single SAHM of 5, my youngest daughter, aged 5, has CF.
    You have inspired me to cherish each moment and helped me to face feelings and realities I had pretended did not exist.
    Thank you and God bless,
    Holly Wagner

    ReplyDelete
  5. I know i've been absent from saying it for a few days, but MUCH LOVE SARAH. Oh, and he knows all these things, he knows, and he loves you so very very very much.

    ReplyDelete

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