If i could tell you anything I would tell you that at the heart of every human being lives a soul simply looking to feel loved and needed. that when one feels unloved or afraid instead of remaining silent, or searching for the source of pain, they inflict it upon others…in words, actions or worse…both. i know in my heart that people understand what we’re going thru is something monumental. and that maybe without intentionally doing so, the words they chose, not very carefully mind you, come out as harsh. i only know what i know. for i have never walked in another’s shoes. and lord willing you will never walk in mine. and that is my deepest prayer for all reading this. i pray for life, and life abundantly for you. where your greatest pain could never compare to our devestation. i want that for you. my heart is for you, not against you. the lord holds my hand, infact he’s been carrying me for months now…and all the while i knew this would not be our pain alone…the greatest portion of it would indeed be ours to bear, but that others would feel it as well. i’ve held you in my prayers. i truly have. that is who i am. i live not for myself. i live for you. i live for strangers and friends and family…i live for gods love. i’m after His own heart. no way am i perfect, nor even close to a fraction of what i wish i could be for Him…but each day i try to be conscious in my choices and in my energy. to love. to love. to love.
investing so much of myself in others not even physically but in prayer and in carrying their burdens as best i can thru my own misery…i am vulnerable. it opens me up for more pain. i’ve come to terms with that. but my husband hasn’t. my husband is a sensitive man, doing his best to provide for us, getting out of bed, going to work, talking with people, driving thru longview all the while thinking of all the places we’ve been and all our memories at each place with our beloved conner. he drives past the cemetary and doesn’t have the heart to stop…he is deep in his grief. but he is pure in his heart. he is commited and humbled and loving and focused. not many love their jobs and i’d be lyeing if i claimed that he was living his dream life. not many are. but he is so committed. he is so devoted. not so much to them. it’s not about them. its about us. our family of 5 minus one. he gets out of bed, after long nights of sobbing uncontrollably and not much sleep, little to no energy, no food in him for nourishment, not much more than a shred of will to make it thru the day…but he does it for us. he loves us. he provides for us. he will never let us down.
i feel so hurt by what he told me as he walked in the door. and i will try the best i can to stay switzerland…but really i can’t. if my husband is acheing, i am acheing. if he feels worn out, unappreciated then it’s my job to try to build him back up as best i can…but how can i? i have not much to give? i try…and i will continue to try even though my well runs dry as well…so i hope that this will reach who it needs to reach to humble their hearts and soften their gazes and end their judgements.
please, oh please don’t tear his spirit.
please don’t speak insensitively to him.
please don’t accuse him of faking sick to stay home from work.
he never has. never.
please don’t back out on him now. it’s so unbearable for him that his coworkers “supported” him before and during this “terrible thing”…but please, PLEASE don’t walk away. don’t think he’s any less commited, because he’s not.
because a job to him isn’t about the work. it’s about providing for our family. the one he lives for and cant live without…
i just have to believe now that everyones hearts set out for good, but sometimes get lost in translation.
this “terrible thing” has a name. i know it makes you uncomfortable to think or say it. but it’s that his son died.
and it’s only been 8 weeks.
but even though he died one day…doesn’t mean that he doesn’t contend with that each and every day now…and will surely as long as he lives.
because he will.
we all will.
it’s not something to just say in passing…it’s permanent. as in always.
he will forever be gone.
each day he will be gone. but we will be here til it’s our time.
but each day he will go to work, committed to our family of 5 minus a beautiful 1.
if i could tell you anything i wish i could just say to find compassion. we don’t expect people to get what we’re going thru, it’s uncomprehendible. and thank god that you cannot. but have grace. have love. show support. dont throw unnecessary accusations. help to heal a wounded heart not further destroy it.
i will pray for you.
i will pray for my husband.
lord…i will pray for us all…