My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

If I could…I would…

If i could tell you anything I would tell you that at the heart of every human being lives a soul simply looking to feel loved and needed. that when one feels unloved or afraid instead of remaining silent, or searching for the source of pain, they inflict it upon others…in words, actions or worse…both. i know in my heart that people understand what we’re going thru is something monumental. and that maybe without intentionally doing so, the words they chose, not very carefully mind you, come out as harsh. i only know what i know. for i have never walked in another’s shoes. and lord willing you will never walk in mine. and that is my deepest prayer for all reading this. i pray for life, and life abundantly for you. where your greatest pain could never compare to our devestation. i want that for you. my heart is for you, not against you. the lord holds my hand, infact he’s been carrying me for months now…and all the while i knew this would not be our pain alone…the greatest portion of it would indeed be ours to bear, but that others would feel it as well. i’ve held you in my prayers. i truly have. that is who i am. i live not for myself. i live for you. i live for strangers and friends and family…i live for gods love. i’m after His own heart. no way am i perfect, nor even close to a fraction of what i wish i could be for Him…but each day i try to be conscious in my choices and in my energy. to love. to love. to love.

investing so much of myself in others not even physically but in prayer and in carrying their burdens as best i can thru my own misery…i am vulnerable. it opens me up for more pain. i’ve come to terms with that. but my husband hasn’t. my husband is a sensitive man, doing his best to provide for us, getting out of bed, going to work, talking with people, driving thru longview all the while thinking of all the places we’ve been and all our memories at each place with our beloved conner. he drives past the cemetary and doesn’t have the heart to stop…he is deep in his grief. but he is pure in his heart. he is commited and humbled and loving and focused. not many love their jobs and i’d be lyeing if i claimed that he was living his dream life. not many are. but he is so committed. he is so devoted. not so much to them. it’s not about them. its about us. our family of 5 minus one. he gets out of bed, after long nights of sobbing uncontrollably and not much sleep, little to no energy, no food in him for nourishment, not much more than a shred of will to make it thru the day…but he does it for us. he loves us. he provides for us. he will never let us down.

i feel so hurt by what he told me as he walked in the door. and i will try the best i can to stay switzerland…but really i can’t. if my husband is acheing, i am acheing. if he feels worn out, unappreciated then it’s my job to try to build him back up as best i can…but how can i? i have not much to give? i try…and i will continue to try even though my well runs dry as well…so i hope that this will reach who it needs to reach to humble their hearts and soften their gazes and end their judgements.

please, oh please don’t tear his spirit.

please don’t speak insensitively to him.

please don’t accuse him of faking sick to stay home from work.

he never has. never.

please don’t back out on him now. it’s so unbearable for him that his coworkers “supported” him before and during this “terrible thing”…but please, PLEASE don’t walk away. don’t think he’s any less commited, because he’s not.

because a job to him isn’t about the work. it’s about providing for our family. the one he lives for and cant live without…

i just have to believe now that everyones hearts set out for good, but sometimes get lost in translation.

this “terrible thing” has a name. i know it makes you uncomfortable to think or say it. but it’s that his son died.

and it’s only been 8 weeks.

but even though he died one day…doesn’t mean that he doesn’t contend with that each and every day now…and will surely as long as he lives.

because he will.

i will.

we all will.

it’s not something to just say in passing…it’s permanent. as in always.

infinitely.

forever.

he will forever be gone.

each day he will be gone. but we will be here til it’s our time.

but each day he will go to work, committed to our family of 5 minus a beautiful 1.

if i could tell you anything i wish i could just say to find compassion. we don’t expect people to get what we’re going thru, it’s uncomprehendible. and thank god that you cannot. but have grace. have love. show support. dont throw unnecessary accusations. help to heal a wounded heart not further destroy it.

i will pray for you.

i will pray for my husband.

lord…i will pray for us all…

9 comments:

  1. Eloquent words of Wisdom and Faith Sarah, thank you.
    Sarah, Brad, Conner, Hunter and Baby B ~ you are all in my heart and in my prayers. Every day. God Bless.

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  2. Oh Sarah...I just am so sorry that all this has happened to your family. It seems just when you shakily try to pull yourself up to a stand you are knocked down again. I can only pray that over time things get easier, what I mean to say is that people are kinder to you, your wonderful husband, and your family. That people reach into their hearts and show compassion.
    My heart truly aches for your dear husband. Hubbies have it so hard. Unfortunately we live in a world were the man is supposed to always be strong and always provide. However, when something like this happens, the loss of your dear precious son, it absolutely shakes everything to the core. There just doesn't seem to be enough resources or understanding out there that men suffer in an entirely different way. The need to grieve and the need to provide clash. It is just so hard. We went through it too. I was allowed to cut myself off from the world and hide in the bedroom. My dear husband filed my maternity leave and disability, handled all phone calls, made funeral arrangements, etc. Basically handled everything. Plus, he took care of me. My sweet dear husband. So you can imagine that I went totally mother bear WHENEVER someone questioned his authority and decisions. He is in the medical field so he knew EVERYTHING that was going on with my other son (who was in the NICU). It was torture for him and his wanting to view my son's medical chart was questioned by the staff. I DEMANDED that he be able to see the chart. He needed to have some kind of control. Anyway, I am rambling. I would advise your husband's co-workers/employers as well to research about grieving fathers. What he needs is support and care. Men often times have to bury their grief in order to provide for the family. I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for him. Your husband should be admired instead of questioned like he is now. It takes a pretty incredible person to lose a child then soon after have to go to work a provide for a family. That is something a hero does.
    Anyway, sorry my messages are so long :). I so hope things get better for you and your family. Please tell your husband he is in our thoughts and prayers too. We have been there! Take care!

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  3. I don't post often, but i pray for you all the time (your whole family, including your wonderful husband). So many people "visit" your page (that is one amazing feedjit log you have!)...and I'm betting everyone on it is praying for your family. I hope you can feel our love in some way. xoxoxoxoxoxo
    **praying a special prayer tonight (people stop judging the jones, give them the support they need and deserve, hold them close to you tonight and always)

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  4. So this is what your fb status was about! Ugh I'm seriously annoyed with ppl being so rude to you and your husband. I myself haven't lost anyone too close to me, but f*ck I'm sensitive to others. I'm also pretty emotional, which in cases like this it's a virtue in others not so much. I digress, these need to be put in place. They can say all they want about how they would cope, but they are not you or your husband so they need to chill the eff out! Grr!!!! I don't know you know you but I'm down to go put those rude ppl in place.
    Sorry, ppl make me mad when they're selfish about things, especially of this sort. I can't imagine being in your shoes and having to on top of everything deal with these ppl. I hope your hubby finds solace in that you know where he's coming from and that G-d is on his side and that these ppl just need prayer or a friggin slap across the face, both? hehe Many hugs and tons of smiles hoping to cheer you both up. ♥s!

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  5. Your husband sounds like an amazing man. I will be praying for his strength to continue on as well as yours to lift him up when he needs.

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  6. Sarah, I have never posted on your blog before. In fact, I'm not even sure how I found it. But today I can no longer hold in the need to tell you that it takes an incredibly strong person to respond to the accusations (if that's the right word?); which you and your sweet husband have endured during your most difficult time; with words of kindness, understanding, and prayer for others. I applaud your actions and will always be praying for your family. I don't know how you do it, but you have handled this with grace and stayed strong in the Lord. You and your family are loved! Prayers for you both. Much love and faith from PA.♥

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  7. I have been following your blog for several months now and I was so sorry to hear of Conner's passing. It is terrible, horrible and brutal.

    I have never posted before, but feel compelled ot today. You see, we, too, lost a child. March 8th, 2011 will be 10 years ago. Though the experience was very different than Conner's story, so many of your words and experiences resonate strongly with me.

    My husband, still after almost 10 years, has a self-admitted mental block of our daughter's passing. But, one thing I will never forget is when he went back to work and came home one night and said, "Everyone keeps asking how MY WIFE is." Brutal and ugly words, yet I understood what he meant. It didn't dawn on anyone that HE was suffering, HE was raw, HE was sad. Everyone was focused on how devastated I was and he was supposed to be the strong, stoic one. And, it was his loss, too! And, like you, I think that while I have chosen to deal with our loss head on, I think that he still has it bottled up in order to function and provide. But, it still colors every day of our lives. Even with 4 more children and a happy life. And, it still shocks me every time I tell someone we are a family of six, because in my heart, I know it is wrong: We are a family of 7!! But, after so many years, I have grown tired of explaining and making random strangers uncomfrotable. So, I say 6 and feel like my heart is breaking a little bit and I am betraying her just a bit.

    I pray for comfort for you. I pray for peace for you. No one will ever be able to lessen your pain. It is a process and it takes time! I know for us, it is not a forefront thought anymore, but rarely a day goes by that I don't think of her and wonder.

    Take care of yourself and your family. Don't let those that will never understand judge you. You are normal. You are doing great, even though it feels like you are drowning. Just getting up every day right now should be viewed as a success.

    May God bless you and hold you all that you need!

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  8. Oh Sarah, Brad is so unbelievably strong. How rude people are to him is terrible. I can't imagine how hard it is for him everyday to go to work and get through the day, then to add dealing with people who make it even harder. He is a hero to you and the kids. he is a hero. And for you to be able to pray for these people, you are amazing Sarah. I can't imagine your pain and your feeling of drowning, but from your words I can see a glimmer of God. I see the light coming through. I really do. You are bringing God to so many people with your blog. Your amazing, heart-felt, honest blog. You are touching so many. You are truly an amazing soul. You don't know how thankful I am to have been able to meet you and Brad and Conner. You 3 have changed my life, literally. Everyday, and many times a day, Conner is part of my life and Mason's and Meg's too. His pictures, his t-shirts, our prayers each night, it sure puts our life in perspective. Thank you Sarah! I will be sending Brad extra prayers. And of course to you and the boys. sending our LOVE!!

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