It’s been 77 days…

so hard to believe that my 7 year and 77 day old son has been gone for 77 heart wrenching days already.

77!

It just doesn’t seem at all possible.

I guess in reflection I’m going to make a list of all the lessons I’ve learned since his passing…in no particular order except for the first one

Death of a child is AWFUL!!!

I’ve learned that each day presents you nothing but choices…and to make them wisely. Because with each decision comes a consequence.

I’ve learned that kids are so truly amazing at understanding death and finding ways to bounce back…kids are amazing!

I’ve learned the importance of living each day staring high at Conner’s face in heaven…so that I will reach him there one day…

I’ve learned what have become obvious triggers to my sadness and try my best to avoid them.

I’ve learned that even with the most careful planning, everything can go wrong. In an instant.

I’ve learned to lean into my feelings.

I’ve learned to be quiet and simply breathe.

I’ve learned His strength is more than sufficient for me.

I’ve learned that footprints in the sand truly are powerful…for he’s been carrying me…every tiny step forward and every giant leap backwards.

I’ve learned to be ok with the random bursts of tears.

I’ve learned that when people ask it’s ok to say that I’m not ok.

I’ve learned how to pick up a phone and dial it when I need help

I’ve learned that the enemy is ready and waiting to have a field day with me because I’m putting myself out there for God.

I’ve learned that HE HAS NO POWER OVER MY LIFE, LOVE, OR DECISIONS.

I’ve learned that it’s important to eat even when I’m not hungry…thank you to my many friends for helping me with this…

I’ve learned that so many people are watching me as an example…and I’m humbled by that…but very much aware of that responsibility.

I’ve learned that people make mistakes.

I’ve learned that most people like to put grief and sadness in a tiny beautiful package with a pretty bow on it and not ever look at it again.

I’ve learned how to make my world stop turning on it’s axis while the rest of the world moves on from Conner’s death.

I’ve learned grief is a looooooong process.

I’ve learned that if i rush it, then it will harm me, not help me.

I’ve learned that it’s ok to be vulnerable.

I’ve learned that while i thought I had a lot of friends…I truly only have a fraction of what I had thought.

I’ve learned that that’s ok, because it’s QUALITY OVER QUANTITY!!!!!

I’ve learned it’s totally ok to not get out of my jammies each day. That nobody has expectations for me except for the ones I place upon myself.

I’ve learned actions speak volumes louder than words.

I’ve learned that if God has brought me to it, He’ll lead me thru it…ONLY if I let him.

I’ve learned to love the color red.

I’ve learned to appreciate the little things like a strangers smile…

I’ve learned that kids won’t parish by eating nothing but PB&J a week in a row for dinner…infact they think they’re LUCKY!

I’ve learned that no relationship is safe…

I’ve learned that the louder I am for God, the louder the enemy is, in my ear…

I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever knew.

I’ve learned that I miss him more each day.

I’ve learned the extent of my loss.

I’ve learned that tomorrow is not guaranteed so I had better make today count.

I’ve learned that my husband is my family of 5 minus 1’s HERO.

I’ve learned that my own burdens pale in comparison to others…

I’ve learned the surefire way to stop dwelling on my own negative is to reach out to pray for others…it is so humbling.

I’ve learned to let go of some people.

I’ve learned that strangers can be burden buddies far beyond what I thought imaginable.

I’ve learned the true meaning of LOVE LOVE LOVE

I’ve learned to see the beauty in Conner’s LOVE legacy and I’ve learned to be so glad to have been chosen to raise him up to his potential.

I’ve learned that God trusts me with far more than I would ever trust myself with.

I’ve learned that pain is intense.

I’ve learned that I am Conner’s voice here on earth…

I’ve learned to listen to what Conner tells me and teaches me each day.

I’ve learned that I don’t need to have the answers. Following blindly is called faith…and nothing matters more than that.

I’ve learned that life is overwhelming.

I’ve learned that I am so glad to have God walking me thru this…I can’t imagine doing this alone…

Most of all I’ve learned that this hole in my heart will never be filled. Ever. I’ve learned and accepted that he is NOT COMING BACK TO ME…so I had better work to ensure that I GET TO HIM…I’ve learned that my family of 5 minus the beautiful 1 who was 7 years and 77 days old are the most precious blessings in my life…and nothing else besides God matters…

I just watch this and smile…so enjoy!

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