My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, September 9, 2010

It’s been 77 days…

so hard to believe that my 7 year and 77 day old son has been gone for 77 heart wrenching days already.

77!

It just doesn’t seem at all possible.

I guess in reflection I’m going to make a list of all the lessons I’ve learned since his passing…in no particular order except for the first one

Death of a child is AWFUL!!!

I’ve learned that each day presents you nothing but choices…and to make them wisely. Because with each decision comes a consequence.

I’ve learned that kids are so truly amazing at understanding death and finding ways to bounce back…kids are amazing!

I’ve learned the importance of living each day staring high at Conner’s face in heaven…so that I will reach him there one day…

I’ve learned what have become obvious triggers to my sadness and try my best to avoid them.

I’ve learned that even with the most careful planning, everything can go wrong. In an instant.

I’ve learned to lean into my feelings.

I’ve learned to be quiet and simply breathe.

I’ve learned His strength is more than sufficient for me.

I’ve learned that footprints in the sand truly are powerful…for he’s been carrying me…every tiny step forward and every giant leap backwards.

I’ve learned to be ok with the random bursts of tears.

I’ve learned that when people ask it’s ok to say that I’m not ok.

I’ve learned how to pick up a phone and dial it when I need help

I’ve learned that the enemy is ready and waiting to have a field day with me because I’m putting myself out there for God.

I’ve learned that HE HAS NO POWER OVER MY LIFE, LOVE, OR DECISIONS.

I’ve learned that it’s important to eat even when I’m not hungry…thank you to my many friends for helping me with this…

I’ve learned that so many people are watching me as an example…and I’m humbled by that…but very much aware of that responsibility.

I’ve learned that people make mistakes.

I’ve learned that most people like to put grief and sadness in a tiny beautiful package with a pretty bow on it and not ever look at it again.

I’ve learned how to make my world stop turning on it’s axis while the rest of the world moves on from Conner’s death.

I’ve learned grief is a looooooong process.

I’ve learned that if i rush it, then it will harm me, not help me.

I’ve learned that it’s ok to be vulnerable.

I’ve learned that while i thought I had a lot of friends…I truly only have a fraction of what I had thought.

I’ve learned that that’s ok, because it’s QUALITY OVER QUANTITY!!!!!

I’ve learned it’s totally ok to not get out of my jammies each day. That nobody has expectations for me except for the ones I place upon myself.

I’ve learned actions speak volumes louder than words.

I’ve learned that if God has brought me to it, He’ll lead me thru it…ONLY if I let him.

I’ve learned to love the color red.

I’ve learned to appreciate the little things like a strangers smile…

I’ve learned that kids won’t parish by eating nothing but PB&J a week in a row for dinner…infact they think they’re LUCKY!

I’ve learned that no relationship is safe…

I’ve learned that the louder I am for God, the louder the enemy is, in my ear…

I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever knew.

I’ve learned that I miss him more each day.

I’ve learned the extent of my loss.

I’ve learned that tomorrow is not guaranteed so I had better make today count.

I’ve learned that my husband is my family of 5 minus 1’s HERO.

I’ve learned that my own burdens pale in comparison to others…

I’ve learned the surefire way to stop dwelling on my own negative is to reach out to pray for others…it is so humbling.

I’ve learned to let go of some people.

I’ve learned that strangers can be burden buddies far beyond what I thought imaginable.

I’ve learned the true meaning of LOVE LOVE LOVE

I’ve learned to see the beauty in Conner’s LOVE legacy and I’ve learned to be so glad to have been chosen to raise him up to his potential.

I’ve learned that God trusts me with far more than I would ever trust myself with.

I’ve learned that pain is intense.

I’ve learned that I am Conner’s voice here on earth…

I’ve learned to listen to what Conner tells me and teaches me each day.

I’ve learned that I don’t need to have the answers. Following blindly is called faith…and nothing matters more than that.

I’ve learned that life is overwhelming.

I’ve learned that I am so glad to have God walking me thru this…I can’t imagine doing this alone…

Most of all I’ve learned that this hole in my heart will never be filled. Ever. I’ve learned and accepted that he is NOT COMING BACK TO ME…so I had better work to ensure that I GET TO HIM…I’ve learned that my family of 5 minus the beautiful 1 who was 7 years and 77 days old are the most precious blessings in my life…and nothing else besides God matters…

I just watch this and smile…so enjoy!

 

15 comments:

  1. Your words really effected me tonight. I see healing in them even if you don't feel that yet. Being comfortable within your own grief must be so hard, I can't say I know it, or understand it, because I have never felt it. As always you are in my thoughts and prayers. Much Love to YOU!

    -Beth

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  2. That was such a pretty post to read. Super raw and honest...♥

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  3. Your blog is so touching. I cry every time I read it. 7 is a holy number, there's no coincidence here...thank you for sharing.

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  4. PS: the 7-7 is special to my mom too... it's my bday. In a way it's nice to have that connection with Connor of 7 being a special number for him and for me, even if for different reasons.

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  5. you are so amazing. conner is so proud of you and all you are still doing for him. take one day at a time and as we always tell our cf babies, breathe, breathe.

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  6. I really enjoyed watching the video...seeing Conner's sweet smile shining through each picture...seeing what a wonderful organization "Make A Wish" must be to do what they do for kids all the time.

    Beautiful memories you created on the Make A Wish trip. I just really wish that Conner was here with you to take every vacation that follows. But, my guess is that he will be. He will be everywhere you ever go, Sarah. He is such a wonderfully precious soul and has taught me to smile no matter what.

    I'm a much better person for having "known" Conner through your blog. HE will hold you in HIS hands and catch each and every tear that you cry. And I think tears are healing. My mom has always told me "Go ahead and cry. Why else would God give us tears?!" She's right! I hope you cry, scream, smile - whatever you have to do to get through each new day. But please know that no matter what, I am praying for you, as are so many others. We are here for you. We love you!! xoxo

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  7. Oh yeah, sorry! I had to change my profile "name" to my initials...crazy people like to stalk sometimes:)

    This is Julie Ball:)

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  8. Sarah ~ I've only "known" you through the internet, but your grace, love, humility and the PURE sweetness of your soul just absolute amazes me and makes me want to be a better woman, Christian, mother, wife.

    I watched the video, with a smile on my face and tears streaming. . .Thank you for putting yourself and your life out there for all of us. I am absolutely astounded at your grace, I know you aren't perfect, no one on earth is, but you are a very special lady. I pray for you, for peace, for healing, for whatever it is that you need at that moment. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I honestly don't have the words to express the feelings you inspire in me.

    Again, thank you for sharing your life and love with all of us, near and far.
    Love love love
    Always always always

    Shelly from IN

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  9. Sarah, this video brought tears to my eyes. You truely are an amazing woman and inspire me everyday. I'm so glad to know you through the internet, and I will always consider you one of the strongest women i know. Love, Love, Love
    p.s. thanks again for the info on the Make~A~Wish. *Paige*

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  10. As always you amaze me, inspire me, lift me, bring tears of sadness, joy and laughter to me. I feel blessed God brought you into my life as I wouldn't be who I am today without knowing you, Brad, Conner, Hunter and Bradyn. Your soul is so pure. So full of love even though you are breaking. I'm proud of you. I love you. You have touched so many lives and brought many more to know Christ...priceless. My dear, you are beautiful. Love, Love, Love

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  11. Conner Man is smiling right now. He knows you are on the path. The video will carry you throughout your life! I continue to pray for your family to have strength!

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  12. Hi sarah I just wanted to say you are doing a great job. After losing my mom in may and my dad in june I have also grown a lot. I know it is only through God leading me that I find my peace and hope. Thanks for being such an inspiration to so many of us.

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