My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, September 2, 2010

won’t waste one moment w/o you…

“these wounds wont seem to heal, this pain is just too real, theres just no much that time can not erase…when you cried i wiped away all of your tears, when you’d scream i’d fight away all of your fears. and i held your hand thru all of these years, but you still have……all of me…”

i can’t get that song out of my head. my immortal by evenesence.

as a mom i feel these words to my core.

as a mom i carry the 5inch long scar across my pelvis that shows the world that infact i am a mother. i live for another. i breathe, and fight and care more for others than i do of myself. my scar proves it. i remember the pain of that scar. i remember how i used to look at it embarrassed. i remember thinking how horrible it looked and how much the pregnancy part of becoming a mother changed my body. in ways that i hated. all that beloved left over weight i blamed on eating for two. the gorgeaus baby belly that is never ending. i remember how much that incision hurt for weeks. i remember it well.

but now…i look at that incision scar and my heart breaks. its my proof that Conner was here…he was mine, if even for a little while. Its the only physical proof on my body. the pain that it insists just by seeing it…and now the pain i feel is inside. and is far more damaging, far worse. the scar would be from the top of my head to the tippiest of my toes. and it would be still wide open. no stitches. it has to heal from the inside out. but i’m the only one who can see it. i’m the only one who can feel it. that tiny little c-section scar was such a small price to pay for such a wonderful life. for such a wonderful son. it’s my only physical proof of the fight it reflects. he really was here. he really was mine. this pain i feel is legitimate and intense. there was such great medication to heal from that phsical scar. that incision. but the scar im trying to heal from now, no medication could ever touch it. it could never penetrate deep enough. never. and nobody knows that scars there unless they know me….i look like any other mom walking around the grocery store with a long list of to-dos and little patience some days for my kiddos every need. but there in my heart i wonder if people can see the pain in my eyes, the way i feel it. i wonder if they know the way i do, that i really am a mother to 3 sons, not just the 2 represented.

i wonder if they can feel my stares when they have a child around Conners age. I have this need to see just what he’d be doing. I need to grieve the loss of the next milestones. Too many to even name. but so necessary for my grieving.  i wonder if they can feel me watching them complain or yell at their kids over the littlest of infractions. i wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have their loved one there to yell at. i wonder when i pass along friendly smiles to each person i pass whether i know them or not, i wonder if they can feel the desperation in my heart, the pain on my lips?

i’m part of the walking wounded.

a group smaller yet larger than even i know of. i feel like my wounds are on the very outside of my flesh, fully exposed to each person who walks near me. my smile, my eyes, my face say it all. but i’ve yet to see someone look the same way i feel i do. maybe their wounds are now covered with a scab. i don’t know.

but i feel alive yet dead.

i feel so thankful yet so forgotten.

i feel so put together, yet so torn apart.

i feel so strong, but so much more vulnerable.

i feel sturdy yet unsure.

i feel hesitant and so afraid.

grief is a very sticky, tangled up web of feelings and emotions. it’s a maze. one i cannot find myself in, at any given moment of the day.

one moment i feel sure, the next i take a turn and am lost in the corridor of pain. this is why it is so hard to explain. its the best and worst of life.

it teaches me to be so, so thankful for what i have and what i have lost…

yet in the same breath it teaches me to be cautious and apprehensive about the next battle.

there will always be a next battle.

as much as this lesson and this pain and experience hurts, i know its not the last one we’ll be faced with.

while i pray that this is the hardest one we will have to face…in the back of my mind i know there is no guarantee.

there is always something worse.

always someone going thru more than even i can imagine.

always.

life is circumstantial.

and the devil likes to play it that way.

he likes to keep you thinking that you have been forgotten and abandoned. that you are unloved, that you are the only one going thru your situation and that god himself did it to you.

that devil…is pure evil.

truth is…i know with all my heart god did not do this to us. but i know he allowed it to happen. i know that he caught each one of my tears and even cried them of his own with me. he is for us, not against us. but the truth is, this suffering, this misery comes at a very high price. and what i chose to do with it will either be used to glorify him or deny him.

i try desperately to do the first…

it doesn’t mean one bit that i’m not mad at him, because truth be told i am. i’m very mad at him. and thats ok.

he’s a big enough god to take my anger.

but i can’t and won’t let that anger define my relationship with him. because i need him. i cannot imagine going thru this w/o him. and honestly i feel i’m in the greatest of company because he himself had to watch his son die…so he knows my pain intimately. and i know he feels it with me.

i hate that today is thursday.

i hate that it’s been 9 weeks already.

how can that be?

i feel so alone today. i feel the loss so desperately.

i went to see him today. its getting increasingly difficult to do that.

because being there reminds me that hes gone and never coming back.

he will never, never come back.

i have to live in a way to get to him…that is my only hope to see him again.

i stand ontop of his angel body. the grass still reflects that of new sod placed and not yet taking root. its ugly. and horrible. i picture him. i remember the way he looked at his viewing…how it appeared to be my son, but all traces of the real soul of conner was gone. it didnt really look like him. i can’t shake that image.

how i wish i could kiss him.

hug him.

punish him.

clean him.

anything.

once a mother, always a mother. i am a living nurturer with an expired job…for him.

nothing but what ifs and wish i coulda’s….

and a broken heart, a huge incision with no sign of it scabbing anytime soon…

empty promises.

empty eyes.

loving thoughts.

hopeful prayers.

this all seems just so strange…and so untrue.

i try to force my mind to tell my heart that your gone…but it refuses to believe it as the truth.

i’m so ok and so not ok…

torn…

lost yet found…

bearing no visible scars of the deep, intense pain i feel…but staring at this c section scar from the birth of sweet conner i am reminded that this is strange…but it is true.

my pain is not in vain. it is not wasted energy.

oh sweet conner…i won’t waste one tiny fraction of a moment of this life without you…

i’m working to ensure that i get to you oneday…whole.

until that glorious day my sweetie hold me so close and never leave me.

my scar is much too deep…

003

12 comments:

  1. I know you don't post for us, Sarah, but thank you. Thank you for reminding us to not waste a minute. Your words have moved me once again.

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  2. Much love to you. I am sorry. You are a beautiful graceful inspiration to me for not allowing anyone to censor your grief. My heart goes out to you.

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  3. I love that picture of you and Conner!

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  4. You are amazing. Your faith and trust in God is an inspiration to all.

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  5. I agree with Trish. Thank you Sarah for reminding us not to take ANTHING for granted....Thinking of you always, wishing you peace and happiness : )

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  6. Sarah, I have been following your journey and have learnt a lot from your blog. I read this story on NPR today and wanted to share it with you.
    http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=128977776&sc=fb&cc=fp&ref=nf

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  7. Prayers are always with you.
    I often wonder why we have to go through this horrible experience and then I am reminded that sin came into the world and because of sin there is death.
    As others have said, Thank you for remining us to not take anything for granted. We are not promised one second more than what we currently have with our loved ones. What you said is so true, God holds our tears & cries with us. He knows the depth of pain caused by the death of our loved one.
    love love love you my fb friend & sending you lots of hugs
    Betty Ann

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  8. And even as the faintest twinges of happiness emerge. Maybe at the sight of a rainbow, or a red lego in the driveway. We emerge with a guilt that how can we ever be happy? All that we have held dear to our hearts is gone. It is almost embarrassing to feel happiness when our son had led an uncomfortable life and is now dead. How can we ever feel life as it should be? We can only hold on to what we have been taught. That we will be together again and there will be no more pain and suffering.

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  9. Wow you gave me a deep smile in my heart with your words....God so understands your pain and I couldn't agree more with everything you said....I understand losing someone close...not my child...That pain I hope to never feel but will try to handle what ever God hands me. I to bare a c-section and look at it and feel proud <3 You Sarah help so many people with your words and I can't wait to leave this earth and see God before us hand you a crown....For God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son, that who so ever believes in him shall not perish, but have ever lasting life! John 3:16 I send love my friend and LOTS of it x0x0x0x <3 Melissa

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  10. You have truly changed my life, Conner and yourself. I read your post's and believe in your words. You don't know how much you move me, and everyone who reads your posts! You mean more then you know, to oh, SO many people!

    Until next time, i will keep on praying.
    Thank you, yet again! Love Love Love!

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  11. he's not coming back but one day, you will meet again. this is part of your journey. his journey has ended but you have to go on with your own. pray a lot that you also can finish your journey on the right path. there is heaven and there's this one day...

    may God make you tougher each day...

    ReplyDelete

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