My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Saturday, September 18, 2010

It’s raining AND pouring…

today was Hunter and baby B’s bday party. the day started off so beautiful, not a cloud in the sky, it was warm and nice and i was energized and people were on there way…and everything just seemed perfect.

shouldn’t have even thought it.

bomb after bomb dropped today. the rain poured. and i mean POURED!!! that beautiful Conner son faded into grey and then the sky turned black and it was just UGLY.

I also realized today just how ugly some people can be.

and maybe they don’t even realize how ugly they are becoming.

but…

im done playing games. my life is too important to waste living for someone elses drama. You can keep it to yourself and your life. afterall, we only get one shot at this so why waste time feeling angry and hurt? i’d much rather walk away and be free to live my life for me and my family in happiness and in peace.

i’m done trying to figure out everyones intentions. it’s exhausting.  i hate that i even have to. but i do. i’ve been spit on, my marriage has been spit upon and so i have to build walls. there are just some people who thrive on drama. but the good part of that is, you can see it from there history. past friendships…it’s the same thing over and over. one friend after the next friend after the next. so i just have to shut those doors when they need to be shut and just simply walk away… i refuse to let my life be further destroyed by someone elses unhappiness and despair.

still wish it didn’t hurt so much.

i trust people. i invest in people, time and love and relationships. and thats what makes everything now more complex. it’s hard to wash my hands and be done with it…but i’m learning that i have to. that sometimes people just need their moment of ugliness that we all get from time to time. you can’t change that…so just walk away from it. wish me luck.

i just look back at these past 11 weeks and i can’t believe all that has changed. above all my son is just gone…UHG. some “friends” have showed some of their ugliest features. some have simply stopped calling. afterall, conners gone now so what is there i could possibly need right? sheesh. and maybe it’s me but i just can’t help but to be so pissed about it all. why did i spend time investing in these people that i love and call my best friends for them to just to ditch me over many stupid things right at the same time i was trying to figure out how i’m supposed to function now without Conner. i feel they’ve been so selfish. One even told me that it’s “not all about me”…wow. i mean WOW. life isn’t all about me. but my life is. and because my son left me behind and i’m fragile and struggeling and on top of that “friends” leave…it kinda does appear that it has been all about me. i wish it wasnt trust me. real friends would be there thru the thick and thin and the ugliest of the ugly…not just the fun happy lets go sit and drink beer or walk the lake type fun. but there for me. some real friends would’ve showed compassion to me instead of getting jealous and hurt over other friendships.  real friends would at least TRY to put themselves in my shoes when all in my world is crashing down on me and then I react in my families best interests to protect us…friends would attempt to understand. i cant appologize for protecting my family. when conner passed and my “friends” started showing some pretty ugly and petty sides to themselves i didn’t know who i could trust. i didn’t know who was really there for me. i didn’t know why nobody’s story matched up yet they all expected me to believe them. so what do i do? i jump out of my seat and block my facebook to protect my family.  and i’m not sorry that i did that. cus it turns out that some that have been blocked are no longer part of my life for very good reason. so thats fine i guess. but what i am sorry for was that it ever had to come to that. it never should’ve gotten so out of hand. i tell you all it was like a high school girl cat fight. and i was caught in it, after burying my child…and now i have the nerve to question peoples intentions…

just doesn’t make sense.

i have just a small handfull of friends that i know and i can trust.

and thats it.

and thats perfect.

the question marks are gone.

and that makes me happy.

but man i wish it didn’t have to pour today…

10 comments:

  1. Oh Sarah, I am so sorry to hear that on top of everything else you are having to deal with all of this. Can't even imagine someone saying that to you. What, they just want you to go like;; well, life goes on so I'll just smile and keep singing a happy song? That is just absolutely RIDICULOUS!! I have friends that lost their 1st baby boy, he only lived 1 day. They now have 3 healthy children, but his birthday and burial day just came and went and they are still struggling with their grief. It does not go away, you just learn to live with it, but it is there, every day. If those people can't understand it, then you are better off without their friendships. Again, so sorry for you and sending hugs and prayers to you like we do every single day!

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  2. I'm so sorry Sarah. You do not deserve any of this and I can't even imagine the pain you feel on top of the unspeakable pain with losing Conner. I know how sick I feel about it all. Confused. Angry. Just ill. And that doesn't even come close to what you are experiencing. This all is not fair. You will prosper. Grow stronger. Love deeper. Smile longer. And most of all, you, my dearest friend, will grow deeper in your faith, family, life. You are one spectacular young woman who I am honored to be associated with and so thankful God put you in my life's path. I love you.

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  3. It is so unfair that you are dealing with this. I wish it wasn't so. And pray for you to have the supportive friends and family that you and Brad NEED right now. They say it's not the quantity but the QUALITY of friends you have. Unfortunately, this process will help you determine in a more dramatic way.

    I am just so sorry that people have acted this way. You are such a wonderful human being and I hope you know that. Right now, this is all about you and that's the way it should be. Love to you and Brad.

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  4. When my father passed away many of my "friends" did the same thing. It was as if my father's death became the threshing floor for my friendships. The chaff was definitely separated from the grain.Two years later I can tell you that walking away from the people who "drama-tized" me after my father's death was one of the most healing and liberating things I could have done for myself and my family. I am so sorry you're going through this. There is nothing wrong with focusing on the health and well-being of yourself and your family, ESPECIALLY in light of Connor's passing. I will say some special prayers that the Lord will guide you as you decide what's right for you in regards to these relationships. Best wishes and blessings to you. Again, so sorry.

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  5. my dear friend, my heart is truely ACHING for you. i wish i could take it all away. you have been such an amazing friend to me this past year and i so cherish you...the evil of this world is just that evil. continue to look to the author and perfector of your faith, your heavenly father who knows your pain and aches to take it away as well. i love you and am SO honored to walk this life with you...

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  6. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. It is unfair and unjust.

    Unfortunately, most people are inherently selfish. It is a is truly one of the worst human flaws. And, it leaves others hurt and angry when the "novelty" of a crisis wears off and those people show their true colors. Some people seem to only be able to be "supporting" and "loving" when it benefits or reflects on them. After that, the gloves are off and they go back to putting themselves first.

    And, the loss of a child is something that will out you on an entirely different realm. You know how people's relationships split because they "grew apart"? Well, you didn't grow apart from them, you were launched into another demension: One that they will hopefully, for their sakes, never have to experience. But, while you are struggling to breathe and move and keep going, they are back to struggling with what jeans to wear with what boots. And, it is an uncomfortable, unsettling place to be on both sides of the equation. And, there are those that cannot handle that HUGE schism that you have just endured between "normal" life and "Hell on Earth". It is just too big for those that are truly self-absorbed and selfish. And, even worse is that some people actually become jealous, in a weird sort of way, of your life: The support you ARE receiving, the way your relationship with your husband is enduring, the fact that you are surviving without having to rely solely on them. You are just having to put friends through a trial by fire and will be much better off when it is done. The ones that are left will be the ones to throw you the ladder to help you bridge the gap between the "normal" and "mundane" side of life and the abyss you are in now when you are ready and able. And, they will patiently wait on the sides until then!

    I pray that you receive the peace and support you need!

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  7. I'm very sorry you're having to go through this, on top of the worst thing ever.

    You have to protect yourself and your family.

    Happy belated Birthday to Hunter and Baby B. And many prayers for you all.

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  8. Praying for you and so sorry that people can be so ugly...it doesn't make sense...you have my support from South Dakota..it is far but the prayers are here for you! :)

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  9. I am so so so sorry you have to deal with this on top of you other loss. How could someone tell you its not all about you? OMG How heartless and thoughtless. People can be horrible and I am sorry you are seeing this from your "friends". I wish I was close enough to help you out IRL. Hugs and Hugs from Maryland.

    And don't let anyone dictate to you how you feel or how you should feel. Losing Connor is not something you will ever get "over" Ever. You may learn to live with it a tiny bit better but it will always be there and always color you.

    Protect yourself. You will learn your true friends. May G-d look down upon you and grant you peace.

    Love love love

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