today was Hunter and baby B’s bday party. the day started off so beautiful, not a cloud in the sky, it was warm and nice and i was energized and people were on there way…and everything just seemed perfect.
shouldn’t have even thought it.
bomb after bomb dropped today. the rain poured. and i mean POURED!!! that beautiful Conner son faded into grey and then the sky turned black and it was just UGLY.
I also realized today just how ugly some people can be.
and maybe they don’t even realize how ugly they are becoming.
im done playing games. my life is too important to waste living for someone elses drama. You can keep it to yourself and your life. afterall, we only get one shot at this so why waste time feeling angry and hurt? i’d much rather walk away and be free to live my life for me and my family in happiness and in peace.
i’m done trying to figure out everyones intentions. it’s exhausting. i hate that i even have to. but i do. i’ve been spit on, my marriage has been spit upon and so i have to build walls. there are just some people who thrive on drama. but the good part of that is, you can see it from there history. past friendships…it’s the same thing over and over. one friend after the next friend after the next. so i just have to shut those doors when they need to be shut and just simply walk away… i refuse to let my life be further destroyed by someone elses unhappiness and despair.
still wish it didn’t hurt so much.
i trust people. i invest in people, time and love and relationships. and thats what makes everything now more complex. it’s hard to wash my hands and be done with it…but i’m learning that i have to. that sometimes people just need their moment of ugliness that we all get from time to time. you can’t change that…so just walk away from it. wish me luck.
i just look back at these past 11 weeks and i can’t believe all that has changed. above all my son is just gone…UHG. some “friends” have showed some of their ugliest features. some have simply stopped calling. afterall, conners gone now so what is there i could possibly need right? sheesh. and maybe it’s me but i just can’t help but to be so pissed about it all. why did i spend time investing in these people that i love and call my best friends for them to just to ditch me over many stupid things right at the same time i was trying to figure out how i’m supposed to function now without Conner. i feel they’ve been so selfish. One even told me that it’s “not all about me”…wow. i mean WOW. life isn’t all about me. but my life is. and because my son left me behind and i’m fragile and struggeling and on top of that “friends” leave…it kinda does appear that it has been all about me. i wish it wasnt trust me. real friends would be there thru the thick and thin and the ugliest of the ugly…not just the fun happy lets go sit and drink beer or walk the lake type fun. but there for me. some real friends would’ve showed compassion to me instead of getting jealous and hurt over other friendships. real friends would at least TRY to put themselves in my shoes when all in my world is crashing down on me and then I react in my families best interests to protect us…friends would attempt to understand. i cant appologize for protecting my family. when conner passed and my “friends” started showing some pretty ugly and petty sides to themselves i didn’t know who i could trust. i didn’t know who was really there for me. i didn’t know why nobody’s story matched up yet they all expected me to believe them. so what do i do? i jump out of my seat and block my facebook to protect my family. and i’m not sorry that i did that. cus it turns out that some that have been blocked are no longer part of my life for very good reason. so thats fine i guess. but what i am sorry for was that it ever had to come to that. it never should’ve gotten so out of hand. i tell you all it was like a high school girl cat fight. and i was caught in it, after burying my child…and now i have the nerve to question peoples intentions…
just doesn’t make sense.
i have just a small handfull of friends that i know and i can trust.
and thats it.
and thats perfect.
the question marks are gone.
and that makes me happy.
but man i wish it didn’t have to pour today…