it’s midnight…so technically it’s a new day

guess two posts in one day means it was a crappy day.

think we can all agree on that.

i just feel like i need to vomit.

actually throw up.

i wish that there was something i could do to take this physical pain away.

grief not only hurts your heart and soul…it hurts your entire body from head to toe.

i’m well aware now of muscle groups i never knew existed. because now they’re flooded with stress.

and tension.

and sadness

and he should be going to school tomorrow…this is kinda the first really big first for me. the numbness pretty much gone now. this is the first, first i’ve had the horrible pleasure of feeling.

and i am suffocating.

drowning…

i have no clue how i will get thru tomorrow.

how we will get thru tomorrow.

we live right across from his school.

we can hear his bell ring.

i will see the kids, the cars, the parents, hear the bells, the announcements…all of it.

and sit here and simply watch and listen.

i

am

so

damn

heartbroken

and the worst part is there’s no one to yell and scream and cuss and hit at. CF is a disease with no flesh…no face…and i think we all agree no soul.

and i need to just attack it and kill it and kick it and spit on it, and hurt it…if even only a fraction of the way it’s hurt me.

but i can’t.

it’s not there.

cf put my baby boy in the ground…all alone…covered with the worlds ugliest grass in some stupid cemetary all alone. without me. and i am just raging pissed off. and have nowhere to direct all of it…

cf…your on notice….tread lightly my enemy…i’m gonna get the better of you.

that is a mama bears promise

i will not die trying…i will die successful…