My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

it’s midnight…so technically it’s a new day

guess two posts in one day means it was a crappy day.

think we can all agree on that.

i just feel like i need to vomit.

actually throw up.

i wish that there was something i could do to take this physical pain away.

grief not only hurts your heart and soul…it hurts your entire body from head to toe.

i’m well aware now of muscle groups i never knew existed. because now they’re flooded with stress.

and tension.

and sadness

and he should be going to school tomorrow…this is kinda the first really big first for me. the numbness pretty much gone now. this is the first, first i’ve had the horrible pleasure of feeling.

and i am suffocating.


i have no clue how i will get thru tomorrow.

how we will get thru tomorrow.

we live right across from his school.

we can hear his bell ring.

i will see the kids, the cars, the parents, hear the bells, the announcements…all of it.

and sit here and simply watch and listen.






and the worst part is there’s no one to yell and scream and cuss and hit at. CF is a disease with no flesh…no face…and i think we all agree no soul.

and i need to just attack it and kill it and kick it and spit on it, and hurt it…if even only a fraction of the way it’s hurt me.

but i can’t.

it’s not there.

cf put my baby boy in the ground…all alone…covered with the worlds ugliest grass in some stupid cemetary all alone. without me. and i am just raging pissed off. and have nowhere to direct all of it…

cf…your on notice….tread lightly my enemy…i’m gonna get the better of you.

that is a mama bears promise

i will not die trying…i will die successful…


  1. Love and prayers to you today as always.

  2. *hugs* for today and the hope for many distractions to keep you from noticing all the happenings at school. Hah buy a punching bag put a sign on it that reads "cf" and beat the sh!t out of it. ;)


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