i don’t know how i’m feeling today.
my heart feels empty.
my day just drags on
the birds are chirping
the kids are laughing
the sun is shining everywhere but in my heart
where is conner?
why can’t i take care of him any longer?
i’m only human and i can’t take losing a son…i know god knows my pain exactly…but thats why he is god and i am not. i can’t handle it the way he can.
it’s quiet
its lonely
its isolating
he’s almost been gone one month…
how did that happen
this saturday is one month
went out to dinner last night with my boys and husband…it was so quiet
there were no enzymes to pack
no oxygen to tote around
no 7 year old son to carry in and out of the restaurant
there was no breadsticks to order for him
there was no conner
i’m trying so hard not to be bitter…so hard
but my heart is shattered beyond recognition
i see his pictures and my heart rips to shreds
my chest hurts
my soul crumbles
my eyes water
my lips twitch
i have to remind myself that its ok to feel these feelings
that its ok that piece by piece my grief is coming to a head
that its important to try to move ahead
but today i’m mad
i’m glad gods big enough to take my anger because im pissed at him
for allowing conner to suffer
for allowing us to love him in the most intimate way possible just to have him taken away
i’m mad at all this silence
i’m broken
but i trust in him.
the plan is perfect
it’s bigger than you or i
but having faith doesn’t make it less painful.
god never promised us a life free from pain
and i think i got that message loud and clear
i’m mad, i’m sad, i’m bitter, i’m relieved, i’m joyful, i’m thankful, i’m confused, i’m lonely, i’m broken but i’m trusting in you god,
all that i have is for you…
everyone life is going on and moving forward
and mines just taken a HUGE step backwards…
and i’m shattered
and i wish it all would go away.
