My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Monday, July 19, 2010

i dunno

i don’t know how i’m feeling today.

my heart feels empty.

my day just drags on

the birds are chirping

the kids are laughing

the sun is shining everywhere but in my heart

where is conner?

why can’t i take care of him any longer?

i’m only human and i can’t take losing a son…i know god knows my pain exactly…but thats why he is god and i am not. i can’t handle it the way he can.

it’s quiet

its lonely

its isolating

he’s almost been gone one month…

how did that happen

this saturday is one month

went out to dinner last night with my boys and husband…it was so quiet

there were no enzymes to pack

no oxygen to tote around

no 7 year old son to carry in and out of the restaurant

there was no breadsticks to order for him

there was no conner

i’m trying so hard not to be bitter…so hard

but my heart is shattered beyond recognition

i see his pictures and my heart rips to shreds

my chest hurts

my soul crumbles

my eyes water

my lips twitch

i have to remind myself that its ok to feel these feelings

that its ok that piece by piece my grief is coming to a head

that its important to try to move ahead

but today i’m mad

i’m glad gods big enough to take my anger because im pissed at him

for allowing conner to suffer

for allowing us to love him in the most intimate way possible just to have him taken away

i’m mad at all this silence

i’m broken

but i trust in him.

the plan is perfect

it’s bigger than you or i

but having faith doesn’t make it less painful.

god never promised us a life free from pain

and i think i got that message loud and clear

i’m mad, i’m sad, i’m bitter, i’m relieved, i’m joyful, i’m thankful, i’m confused, i’m lonely, i’m broken but i’m trusting in you god,

all that i have is for you…

everyone life is going on and moving forward

and mines just taken a HUGE step backwards…

and i’m shattered

and i wish it all would go away.

12 comments:

  1. My grandma died 2 1/2 years ago from congestive heart failure. She was a diabetic and it completely destroyed her joints. I used to watch her and every step she took was so painful. Then when the congestive heart failure hit she was so miserable. Constantly getting infections, constantly in and out of the hospital, spent a horrible couple of months in a nursing home where they didn't take care of her. Finally, she ended up on hospice in my mom's living room. We sat and watched her die. She would have a good day and perk up a little and my heart would soar. Then a bad day would come and I'd sit curled in a ball while the tears made little rings in my bath water. Losing her was so incredibly hard. I was closer to her than anyone. I loved her in a very special way. It was so so incredibly hard. The one thing, the only thing, that gave me comfort was the image in my mind that I had of her death. The moment she took her last breath she stepped into God's light. She was given a new body. She wasn't suffering anymore. Heck she I bet she's up there doing cartwheels. Here on earth, she couldn't even walk anymore. I hurt for my loss but I'm happy for her gain.

    Sarah, honestly, I don't know if I could live through what you are living through. Just the thought of losing one of my children, I think I'd just want to lay down and die too. You are so strong for not doing that. So strong for sharing Conner's story. So strong for trusting God through all of this.

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  2. The chapter we studied tonight in my Bible study was on Faith: The Foundation from the book "Calm My Anxious Heart". You immediately came to mind as we read and discussed this chapter. God asks us to walk by faith, not by sight, and walking in faith sometimes means that we walk in the darkness with God, holding His hand. Don't forget that God is always at work in the darkness and we never, ever walk alone. As in every day, I said a prayer for healing for you and for your precious family. Your faith is strong, your grief is sometimes stronger, I know, but keep trusting that God is always there and will walk with you each and every day....

    Blessings from TX.

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  3. It was 6 mths for us on Saturday. I lost my 8 yr old beautiful daughter in January after a lifelong battle with DRAVET syndrome. I know your pain and you're in my prayers.

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  4. Sometimes it's so hard to see why things happen, but God will reveal these things in His time! Praying for you in the process!

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  5. The Lord KNOWS you Sarah & he loves you. Praying for your comfort and so much more. <3

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  6. Sarah,
    I don't have anything wise or profound to share with you....I don't..can't understand it either. But I love that you still love God...in spite of everything - even the anger that you still hold fast to Him. That speaks volumes and it is an honor to "know" you in bloggy world.

    Angie Smith wrote a book called "I will carry you" after the birth and death of her daughter. She speaks of the same sorrow, confusion, anger that you do and like you she speaks of the hope, love and trust she had in His plan regardless of how bad it hurt. I don't know that you will ever fully heal, or the pain will go away...it shouldn't he was your son. I think God grieves with us - and as you hurt...He hurts.

    I continue to pray for you and I thank God that he allowed Connor's life to be a testimony to so many people. May you feel some peace in that gift today.

    Blessings, Kristin

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  7. I think it's great you are sharing your feelings and thoughts. Grief sucks. Losing our kids to awful, terrible diseases that have no cures yet... sucks. There is no answer to why.
    You know when you said God never promised a pain free life? You are so right...
    I also believe He doesn't CAUSE illnesses to happen to our kids...
    So many people would disagree with me, but God doesn't CAUSE terrible things to happen to our children. Sin is the cause of all sickness and death. Not God. God weeps with them and with us. He cares for us...
    I'm so thankful for his grace, strength, peace and help which has gotten me through almost 3 years without my beautiful son. I could never have survived if I for one second believed HE caused it.
    Hold onto the hope that one day you will be with your boy again...
    much love, from one Mom to another,
    Deb

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  8. You said it all so well. We know that this life won't be easy, but that doesn't make it easier to go through the difficult times. We know God is with us, but that doesn't make it easier to understand why He allows things to happen as He does. Sometimes life doesn't make sense. Sometimes it makes no sense at all and we're left picking up the pieces of dreams fallen apart. Yet, even in those moments God's there. In the midst of it all. He will carry you.

    Blessings,
    Christine

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  9. Dear Sarah,
    I have not experienced the pain that you have so gracefully endured over the past 7 years, so I cannot say that I know what you are going through. However, I do understand why you are feeling the way you are. I get it. I get that you are mad, sad, bitter, confused and broken. I would venture to say that along with myself, your blog followers, supporters, family members, friends, strangers, your entire audience...WE are mad FOR you. I (WE) are angry that we are unable to take away your pain, your feelings of emptiness and confusion. We are mad that when you, Brad, H & B went out to dinner a few nights ago there were no breadsticks ordered. Mad that your world is quiet and feels lonely and isolated. We are p-i-s-s-e-d off that at times it is a struggle for you to put one foot in front of the other, that the sun is shining all around you, but not in your loving heart. Mad that your chest hurts and your beautiful soul crumbles. We too are angry, sad, bitter, confused, broken for you and your sweet family. Please know that there is not a day that passes by that you are not thought of and prayed for by literally THOUSANDS of people who know you or don't know you, but who all love you genuinely and whole-heartedly. Continue to write to us because we are here listening and reading and truly caring for you, Brad, Hunter and Bradyn.

    love love love
    always always always
    ~ Jill

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  10. Sarah, for the last week or so I've felt God urging me to share a song with you, "Shattered" by Trading Yesterday. When I read this entry, it was playing on my iPod. The part at 2:30 and beyond comforts me so much. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_LOOKssMpA

    Love and prayers to all of you, as always.

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  11. Sarah,

    You do not know me, but I just want to say thank you for sharing your story. It has touched me in ways that is hard to explain and I think about you and Connor a lot. Since I was introduced to your blog, I have a newfound love for my son and my husband...you just never know how much time you truly have. It amazes me how beautiful and strong your son is throughout his pain and struggles he still found so much happines and love and it is evident that he is still with you every day. I must say that your strength is what truly inspires me. So from the bottom of my heart I pray that God and Connor stay with you and your family and continue to watch over you and love you until you are together again.

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