My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, July 15, 2010

it’s thursday

3 weeks.

21 days.

504 hours.

30,240 minutes.

he’s gone.

my head is pounding today. my throat is scratchy.

i feel like i’m getting a cold and i wouldn’t be surprised if I am.

my immunity is shot right now.

my body is vulnerable.

i’m vulnerable.

i’m caught in the numbness of thursday. 3 weeks ago waking up a little earlier than this knowing that it was only a matter of hours now and not days. spending the whole day in bed…love love loving him…always always always.

watching him slip in and out of consciousness from the carbon dioxide taking over every square inch of his lungs and blood. watching the beat of his heart press hard into his chest. watching his chest rise and fall so sharply. in and out of a co2 coma…waking up here and there panicked…looking for us…

his eyes said it all.

he was scared to be alone. but mommy and daddy were right there angel baby. we held him close. we kissed him all day long. we loved him. we took care of him. it was our nightmare coming true. we were living it. we as parents were going to survive but our son would not. our dreams for his life were dyeing that day too. there would be no 2nd grade, no high school graduation, no first girlfriend brought home, no college, no wife, no grandchildren…no miracle cure in time…

it would all end.

and it did.

i will never look at thursdays the same way again. its the day of the week i dread the most. forget mondays. going back to work on a monday is nothing compared to living thru the thursday

your angel died.

perspective isnt it?

please friday come quickly…and please conner hold my hand today…

002

5 comments:

  1. You'll get through today. If you could get through all the other things you've gone through, you'll definitely get through today. Even if it's slowly putting one foot in front of the other. Hopefully the day goes by fast tho! Keep busy and maybe carry a lego around in your purse. ♥

    ReplyDelete
  2. One breath at a time...one minute, one hour, one afternoon, one day at a time...and Connor is with you always always always. Thank you, Sarah, for being transparent to even a total strange like me, reminding me to live each moment to it's fullness. My prayers are with you today. -a friend of Sonja's

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  3. This is going to be quite a roller coaster for awhile. It's so hard to know how to encourage you at this time except to say that we are praying with and for you, your family and your marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wish I could give you a hug! Thinking of you, praying for you...

    ReplyDelete

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