My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

That club…

so its official…

i got my invite to the elite club

the one not just anybody can join

the one with no standing rules

the one nobody likes to talk about

the one where the other members celebrate each step like putting your shoes on the right feet with you because they know it’s a BIG DEAL

the lonely club

the somber club

the “leave your smile at the door” club

the club your friends just don’t get and never fully will unless they too are forced into the club

child loss club…

you don’t get some fancy, shiny card to prove your membership…the look on your face is proof enough

the club where your free to walk the lake at night and cry in front of complete strangers and not feel ashamed of it…cus your grief buddies will understand

the club where nobody tries to “help” you feel better by saying such insensitive things like “at least you had him as long as you did” or “you look good today it’s nice to see you feeling better” or “this too shall pass” and “at least you have your other children” cus members of this club realize those statements aren’t fully true nor make you feel better

members of this club know that grief isn’t a set period of time. its not a timetable. theres no magic wand to make it “all better” and members of this club know how uncomfortable that makes some of the “outsiders.” it’s hard to see someone grieve…but don’t try to rush it

this club recognizes the most caring, compassionate things outsiders can say are “i’m so sorry for your loss” “i care about you” “what can i do for you right now” and the such…

this club strives to keep it’s membership numbers low

members know firsthand it’s better to reach out to us and possibly say the wrong thing, than to not reach out to us at all.

members recognize no two grieving people are the same nor is anyone’s grief greater than anyone elses.

members recognize that each and everyday is a struggle. that everywhere you go and everything you see and hear are constant reminders of your loss. there is no escape…that makes it so difficult

this club is a lifetime membership

can join by exclusive invite only

members must learn to tell time by “before death” and “after death”

and most of all to be a part of this club you have to pay the highest dues price you can ever, ever imagine…

good grief…

sucks to be one of em…but here i am anyway.



  1. {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} for you Sarah


  2. I've been reading your blog for a while but have not commented as I was too worried about saying the wrong thing.

    I hope that knowing that 'strangers' care about you and are thinking of you helps a little. I'm hoping for all the best for you.

  3. Sarah - I have been in the club for ten years and you are exactly right - not a club I ever wanted or dreamed of being in but I'm there for every "meeting". I too have moments with Jeff just like you are having with Conner and trust me no one will ever fully understand - but that's ok - just keep believing - I do - My son lost his battle to CF in Sept of 2000 - and I still miss him everyday....Shirley in Texas

  4. I think the best thing that you do to help others understand how your feeling/doing is blog. I wonder how you are doing every day, even though I live far away, I think of you and Brad and pray every day. There are so many near and far that care about you both and love you. I am sorry you are part of that club. I wish it could be different. It isn't fair and I don't understand it. I hate when friends/family are in pain and tend to want to make them feel better, but this is something that no one is going to make better with a good joke. Lean into God and your friends/family. Do what you need to do to grieve. Those that love you understand you need space/time.

    Love to you always.

  5. I only found your blog about a month and half ago. (I don't even know how I fell upon it, now that I think of it.) Anyway I check your blog religiously. Before to see how Connor was holding up and now to see how you are. I've gone through hard times in the past, NOTHING like losing a child, but I understand what you mean about not wanting to hear somethings ppl say but at the same time wanting some comfort even if it's what you don't really want to hear. I'm sorry you had to join that club and that there's no way out, but I'm glad Connor tries to help by leaving you little gifts of logos here and there. ♥s

  6. Oh Sarah, you have no idea how many tears I am sharing with you when I follow you here. And you have no idea who I am, but Oh boy I wish I was there to help make your family dinner...
    It's not right that some parents outlive their children, I can only hope I am not going to be joining your club. Before I had Sara I used to say: "motgang gir styrke" (adversity makes strength) Now I add: "Man vokser med oppgaven" (You grow with the task) I'm not sure what to add if I outlive her....
    You really seem like a strong woman, but remember it is OK not to feel strong at all! <3 <3 <3 ..AND ask for help if it's possible!

  7. Prayers and love from afar are all I can offer but I hope that you feel all these prayers and that they bring you some comfort.


  8. Sarah - I read this a few weeks ago when you posted and it brought back such a flood of emotions I couldn't talk about it because I knew I would cry and possibly not stop for a while - just typing it I am trying to swallow the EXTRA LARGE lump in my throat!

    I lost my liitle boy "Alec" at 22 weeks PG - he was born alive an died shortly after. I think we have learned to "deal" with it as best as possible........."is that possible"?

    Everything you wrote is so true! Made my heart hurt to think what you are living right now! It sucks! The part about the stupid comments people make........if I had to do all over I truly think I would not contain my self and just punch people in the face when they would say something stupid! WOW what an attention getter that would be! I am normally a very non-violent person, but the old saying "think before you talk" should have some bearing when you are dealing with an emotionally wrecked greiving parent! BLAH.......

    In my hear of hearts I wish you 5 minutes of peace in a day.



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