My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Saturday, July 17, 2010

Beyond the clouds

he’s with me everyday.

this morning i awoke and grabbed the laptop and opened up facebook to get my am dose of whats on everyones mind…over in the right hand corner where they have that space saying “reconnect with so and so…or heres an ad for so and so…”i usually don’t pay attention… his face was there. LARGE. with no name, no question, no nothing. a huge picture of just his face that i don’t even recognize taking. i didn’t want to leave the page…but eventually i had to…so i haven’t seen it since…

i jump in my car and each and everyday he plays our 2 songs for brad and i. we used to call each other each day and say hey guess whats on the radio…then we realized we didn’t need to. Conner made sure the songs played almost daily while both of us are listening. the songs are “i can only imagine”? by mercy me which we’ve always loved but was also sang at his funeral. and the other song is “everlasting god” by lincoln brewster. its about the scripture in Isaiah i believe 40…where it talks about flying high on wings like eagles and trusting in the lord…and if you’ve been following me a bit…that verse i’ve had as a status update more than a few time in the last year..i’ve clung to it. and pastor john last weekend said that verse came to him to read…i never mentioned it was the one thats getting me thru…and conners buried in the soaring heights section with eagles nests and eagles flying over him…it’s god…only him.

i feel strange.

like wondering what its going to take for this all to really start sinking in. the night he died i was a mess. i cried i feel for like the first time in my life..true, gut wrenching crying. screaming to god. in anger. in desperation. in love. and now i will cry off and on but it’s different its not really crying. it’s just tears. they come out of nowhere usually when something reminds me of him. but i haven’t really cried since watching conner leave our house for the last time and i wasn’t the one carrying him. so i’m afraid of whats to come. i know i am not ok. not even close to ok. but then why do i feel like i’m in a fog? must be a natural defense or something. i know i need to try to grieve but how can i when it all doesn’t seem real. why is it so easy for me to hop in a car and go see him each day. how can i possibly be ok with that?

whats wrong with me?

why cant i feel this yet?

still staring at those boxes of kleenex…unused. it’s just strange.

the best i can explain it is that it just feels like he’s at someones home. then i’ll remember that he’s gone but my body doesn’t allow me to feel it. strange right?

i still must be numb. not denial cus i know he’s gone. but i don’t get upset with all the quiet. i don’t think about all the meds i should be preparing or any of that.

when is it going to be real? i see others cry over him and then i’ll comfort them with tears of my own as well…but yet i don’t feel it fully. connerman and i had such a strong bonding connection we fought together day after day, and night after night. my life, my job, my world, everything revolved around his care and his appointments. how can i possibly not realize the gravity of it all yet? how can i casually look at his empty booster and not freak out? how can i talk about him each day with a smile on my face? how can i be planning his memorial garden in our yard without the reality of it sinking in? why…when…

i know he’s gone. i do. physically he’s gone. but emotionally and spiritually he’s right next to me all day long.

don’t get me wrong i’m not complaining that i’m not a psycho momma yet but i know the longer it takes to even start grieving the longer it will be before it’s over…well never over…but at a functional level…

9 comments:

  1. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace, and grief doesn't always have to equate to tears. I think especially because you feel his presence near, that probably helps. It will come in waves... ::hugs::

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  2. I agree with Allison; there is no 'right' way to grieve.

    The fact that you obviously know Conner is safe, happy, and free is instrumental in keeping you upright, and the fact that he's sending so many signs helps, too!

    I'd like to tell you about a project I learned about (a compilation of uplifting stories from parents who have lost babies); you've been on my list for some time, but I just haven't contacted you yet. If you think you might be interested, you can email me at jeffreyb@skybest.com.

    Sending hugs from North Carolina -

    Helen/'Lucy (mom to angel baby, Jeffrey)
    thejeffreyjourney.com

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  3. What you are describing is what I live with every day. It's called dissociation. When there is something too big for your mind to handle, it distances you from it. It is a protective mechanism. Feeling numb. Feeling like things or a situation are not real. That's dissociation.

    I just have a very extreme manifestation of that. I went through a lot of stuff. Stuff that I didn't and couldn't share on the video at church. Everything that I've gone through is why I got depersonalization in the first place. It is a protective mechanism against the trauma I went through. My brain just shut down to distance me from it and now the entire world is unreal, all of the time.

    So I understand what you are going through. The comforting thing to remember with dissociation is that it allows you to break down and process your situation in small parts. It prevents it all from hitting you at once and destroying you. I know it's weird because you see in movies how people are hysterical but I think that losing someone like a child, it's beyond being able to cry hysterically. It's too big for your mind to take at once.

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  4. Btw, I have a blog too. You can get to it by clicking my name in this post. (I'm the same Sarah that wrote the above comment. I was just signed in with a different account.

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  5. Everyone grieves differently, there's no right or wrong way to do it and it has to be a natural progression, not something you can speed up. You'll get there, and we'll be here for you, Brad and Conner will be here for you, and most importantly, God will be here for you. He'll lift you up on wings like eagles. Everlasting God is one of my favorite songs, and I'm so glad that it's bringing comfort to you. I've always loved that verse as well so it's a special song for me.

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  6. If it helps you can ask Facebook to set Connor's account to "memorial" status and then you won't get those messages. Thinking of you xx

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  7. I could never imagine what the loss of a child WOULD feel like but I also know I'm ok with what it COULD look like. my mom always taught me (lost my dad when I was 3) that you NEVER look at a grieving person and judge ANYTHING they do for awhile. she compared it to being born a certain race, with a certain handicap, etc ... never to judge those things that one cannot change or control about themselves. I believe that grieving COULD be anything at all that you are feeling. you have to do whatever you have to do to get through every day. all of which is always always always ok:)

    {prayers and love love love}

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  8. God bless you,this is a normal reaction and coming here and posting can be the best medicine. I'm having a blue couple of days, our son Johnny who had CF has been in Heaven 11 years next week and the week before his passing is always hard for me.I always write on his blog as if I am writing to him. This could be a great outlit too! Just write to Conner. A support Group who a friend led me to when or if you feel ready is called The Compassionate Friends. A support group started by and designed for parents who have lost their children.You can write me if needed. Your questions, I have asked myself many times. Hopefully you are resting some, Take care, Esther

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  9. i know he’s gone. i do. physically he’s gone. but emotionally and spiritually he’s right next to me all day long.

    I think your words above are exactly the reason that you feel this way. He is with you every day and you have been blessed with the comfort of that feeling. God bless you and your family!!

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