he’s with me everyday.
this morning i awoke and grabbed the laptop and opened up facebook to get my am dose of whats on everyones mind…over in the right hand corner where they have that space saying “reconnect with so and so…or heres an ad for so and so…”i usually don’t pay attention… his face was there. LARGE. with no name, no question, no nothing. a huge picture of just his face that i don’t even recognize taking. i didn’t want to leave the page…but eventually i had to…so i haven’t seen it since…
i jump in my car and each and everyday he plays our 2 songs for brad and i. we used to call each other each day and say hey guess whats on the radio…then we realized we didn’t need to. Conner made sure the songs played almost daily while both of us are listening. the songs are “i can only imagine”? by mercy me which we’ve always loved but was also sang at his funeral. and the other song is “everlasting god” by lincoln brewster. its about the scripture in Isaiah i believe 40…where it talks about flying high on wings like eagles and trusting in the lord…and if you’ve been following me a bit…that verse i’ve had as a status update more than a few time in the last year..i’ve clung to it. and pastor john last weekend said that verse came to him to read…i never mentioned it was the one thats getting me thru…and conners buried in the soaring heights section with eagles nests and eagles flying over him…it’s god…only him.
i feel strange.
like wondering what its going to take for this all to really start sinking in. the night he died i was a mess. i cried i feel for like the first time in my life..true, gut wrenching crying. screaming to god. in anger. in desperation. in love. and now i will cry off and on but it’s different its not really crying. it’s just tears. they come out of nowhere usually when something reminds me of him. but i haven’t really cried since watching conner leave our house for the last time and i wasn’t the one carrying him. so i’m afraid of whats to come. i know i am not ok. not even close to ok. but then why do i feel like i’m in a fog? must be a natural defense or something. i know i need to try to grieve but how can i when it all doesn’t seem real. why is it so easy for me to hop in a car and go see him each day. how can i possibly be ok with that?
whats wrong with me?
why cant i feel this yet?
still staring at those boxes of kleenex…unused. it’s just strange.
the best i can explain it is that it just feels like he’s at someones home. then i’ll remember that he’s gone but my body doesn’t allow me to feel it. strange right?
i still must be numb. not denial cus i know he’s gone. but i don’t get upset with all the quiet. i don’t think about all the meds i should be preparing or any of that.
when is it going to be real? i see others cry over him and then i’ll comfort them with tears of my own as well…but yet i don’t feel it fully. connerman and i had such a strong bonding connection we fought together day after day, and night after night. my life, my job, my world, everything revolved around his care and his appointments. how can i possibly not realize the gravity of it all yet? how can i casually look at his empty booster and not freak out? how can i talk about him each day with a smile on my face? how can i be planning his memorial garden in our yard without the reality of it sinking in? why…when…
i know he’s gone. i do. physically he’s gone. but emotionally and spiritually he’s right next to me all day long.
don’t get me wrong i’m not complaining that i’m not a psycho momma yet but i know the longer it takes to even start grieving the longer it will be before it’s over…well never over…but at a functional level…