My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Monday, July 12, 2010

I’ve never been so homesick…

we were never created for an existence on earth…i know it’s only temporary…we are dust in the wind, i get that. i’ve never been more thankful for that then after losing my angel.

being alive while my son is no longer with me…the pain and the constant swing of emotions are overwhelming. I simply can’t wait for that miracle day when god tells little old me “well done” and Connerman is the first one to greet me and welcome me to heaven. I can’t wait for him to show me our heavenly home which i know will be made of bright red legos. Losing a child puts a whole new spin on this life. I no longer worry over death. never. i completely agree with a dear friend who says that after losing her precious daughter that she no longer worries over flights…she knows that when it’s time…they will be reunited and that will be gloriously amazing. I get that. that is me 100%

Don’t get me wrong i am not suicidal. i am dealing. i love my husband and my two beautiful living sons…I am simply saying that by losing Conner I’m truly gaining a wonderfully unique perspective of eternity. And beyond all the worries of this world i simply can’t wait to get there now…to be with conner forever. and ever.

I miss so much.
Losing him has caused a shift in the world i live in. I stare at his empty carseat booster.

his toothbrush is still in our holder next to mine.

his laundry is no longer being washed or cared for.

the piles of neb cups and syringes and sharps containers are gone. i miss them.

conners side of the couch is forever empty.

i no longer hear the sounds of those annoying shows he watched: Wizards of waverly place, chowder, suite life on deck, adventure island, tom and jerry, garfield…i miss them

his seat at the dinner table is empty

i open the fridge and no longer see a sea of chocolate boost plus or vials of caysten and pulmozyme in there for him

i miss buying him icee’s at target or vanilla frosties at wendys

i miss taking him to the hospital and clinic

i’m strugeling to learn how to live w/o the SSI breathing rules down our necks.

I laugh that we no longer need prior auths of meds…

i think it’s crazy that now my kids only have one well child check each year. only maybe 5 dr appts a YEAR now…that is absurd

i cringe remembering our ob doctor trying to get us to terminate the pregnancy.

i hate seeing the buckets of sidewalk chalk sit in our shed unused…that was conners favorite thing to do…color on our cement

i hate that seeing red will always make me think of him…because now i notice it far more often and it makes my heart hurt

i hate feeling like i need to find a new way to replace my time that was spent trying to save conner. nothing seems worthy of that time.

i hate that i bought big rubbermade totes to pack up connermans clothes in to bring to hunters room since he’s now the same size as conner was.

i need to explain my heart. mothers will all understand but maybe haven’t thought about this…

my pain is deeply personal and intense.

i carried conner in MY body for 9 long months. I nourished him. i fought for his survival. i took the pain of those foot long needles that were inserted in my abdomen time and time again to help conner survive in me. i gave birth to him. i fed him my milk. a mothers bond is unique and different than any other bond there is. multiply that by a million when you have a baby that the doctors kept urgeing you to terminate b/c of health issues, and spending weeks on end away from home for appts all for him, and any mother with a high risk pregnancy knows that connection. when you want him to survive so bad from the time of his conception and came up to roadblock after roadblock and knocked them down one at a time. to spend each and every day he was in the hospital with him but maybe 4 maximum in 7 years…to research 24/7 for him, for getting out of state 2nd and 3rd opinions for his survival, for pleading with pharmaceutical companies to release research drugs to your son…and then to see it all fail.

like none of it mattered.

i said goodbye to my son.

i have to now say goodbye to the cf doctors

to my former existance

i have to define a new me

my fight and passion died with conner.

not my fight against cf…simply my fight for his survival. my determination to save him.

but for a mother to say goodbye to a child whom i fought for from day number one with every ounce of every fiber of my being, i simply don’t know where to begin…

i carried him.

i loved him

i fought for him.

and now he’s gone.

and he took my heart with him…

_MG_7694

9 comments:

  1. 13 months ago today we lost our only child our awesome, amazing daughter to CF. Life is never the same, we still wish we could have her here with us, but then remember that she is free from suffering and what we are suffering by missing her is nothing to what she endured in life. We get up each morning and hope we can get through that day nothing more, nothing less. I agree you now have so much time to fill that was previously taken up with medications, hospital etc that you really do not know what to do, it hurts but having read your blog for a while I know you will put that time to good use and make a difference. You already have with sharing your families journey with the world. I admire you and everything you, Brad and your sons have come through. Cherish everything you have been through and use it to make you a stronger person, believe me nothing in life will ever be a struggle to you after what you have been through. Take care and remember how many people love and care for you and Connerman. Karen xxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Conner is right there, Sarah. He will be with you forever because you keep him alive in your heart. That's the same heart you feel has gone with him. Please know that it is only there temporarily to guide him on his journey. He will send all that love back, sans one little piece that he will keep for himself until you see each other again.

    You have three men at home who need you and Conner needs you to care for and I know you know that.

    Thinking of you always. Peaceful things and lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. It did not fail. Connor and you did not fail. You lived and love together for seven joyous years, your greatest gift. You, you and Connor- battled to keep loving life together, and you won. It may not seem like it, but for 7 years, you won. I love you,
    Beth Peters

    ReplyDelete
  4. My heart hurts, because your heart is hurting. I can't think of a pain in this world that would be worse than losing a child. The maze of emotions must be overwhelming. You're in my thoughts and prayers every single day.

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  5. I don’t know you but since reading this have thought of you constantly. It has made me appreciate my two little ones even more than I did (which is allot!)
    I can’t even imagine how you feel, but he was lucky to have you from what all I have read!
    Love be with you!

    ReplyDelete
  6. We're thinking of you. Conner had a very special mom.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sarah....
    Totally random, but have you ever considered putting this blog together in a book. Your writing is beautiful, pure talent. And your ability to express emotions through words is simply a gift. I think it would make a great book in which some of the proceeds could go to the CFF in sweet Conner boy's name. Maybe it could help pay whatever medical expenses you've incurred also. I know plenty of people would buy it. Just a thought....

    Praying for you and the family daily! Thanks for sharing your life. I've learned so much and have been reminded of what I already know because of you...Thank you!

    Ashley G.

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  8. Oh Sarah. I know this was 2 years ago now, but it seems like yesterday. Believe me when it happened i couldn't bare to read it.
    Not the point.
    You're a mother. you fought for Conner and so did brad. You did not fail him. He was your son your darling boy. And you helped him live the best 7 years a child could live in his situation. God bless you. especially with this new addition. Conner and God's gift to you. I know you miss him. I can't say i understand because i'm only 19 years old.

    Conner:
    You're missed terribly. Breathe easy little man! =)

    sarah: Thank you for sharing each moment of this journey with the world. =) God bless you

    ReplyDelete

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