we were never created for an existence on earth…i know it’s only temporary…we are dust in the wind, i get that. i’ve never been more thankful for that then after losing my angel.
being alive while my son is no longer with me…the pain and the constant swing of emotions are overwhelming. I simply can’t wait for that miracle day when god tells little old me “well done” and Connerman is the first one to greet me and welcome me to heaven. I can’t wait for him to show me our heavenly home which i know will be made of bright red legos. Losing a child puts a whole new spin on this life. I no longer worry over death. never. i completely agree with a dear friend who says that after losing her precious daughter that she no longer worries over flights…she knows that when it’s time…they will be reunited and that will be gloriously amazing. I get that. that is me 100%
Don’t get me wrong i am not suicidal. i am dealing. i love my husband and my two beautiful living sons…I am simply saying that by losing Conner I’m truly gaining a wonderfully unique perspective of eternity. And beyond all the worries of this world i simply can’t wait to get there now…to be with conner forever. and ever.
I miss so much.
Losing him has caused a shift in the world i live in. I stare at his empty carseat booster.
his toothbrush is still in our holder next to mine.
his laundry is no longer being washed or cared for.
the piles of neb cups and syringes and sharps containers are gone. i miss them.
conners side of the couch is forever empty.
i no longer hear the sounds of those annoying shows he watched: Wizards of waverly place, chowder, suite life on deck, adventure island, tom and jerry, garfield…i miss them
his seat at the dinner table is empty
i open the fridge and no longer see a sea of chocolate boost plus or vials of caysten and pulmozyme in there for him
i miss buying him icee’s at target or vanilla frosties at wendys
i miss taking him to the hospital and clinic
i’m strugeling to learn how to live w/o the SSI breathing rules down our necks.
I laugh that we no longer need prior auths of meds…
i think it’s crazy that now my kids only have one well child check each year. only maybe 5 dr appts a YEAR now…that is absurd
i cringe remembering our ob doctor trying to get us to terminate the pregnancy.
i hate seeing the buckets of sidewalk chalk sit in our shed unused…that was conners favorite thing to do…color on our cement
i hate that seeing red will always make me think of him…because now i notice it far more often and it makes my heart hurt
i hate feeling like i need to find a new way to replace my time that was spent trying to save conner. nothing seems worthy of that time.
i hate that i bought big rubbermade totes to pack up connermans clothes in to bring to hunters room since he’s now the same size as conner was.
i need to explain my heart. mothers will all understand but maybe haven’t thought about this…
my pain is deeply personal and intense.
i carried conner in MY body for 9 long months. I nourished him. i fought for his survival. i took the pain of those foot long needles that were inserted in my abdomen time and time again to help conner survive in me. i gave birth to him. i fed him my milk. a mothers bond is unique and different than any other bond there is. multiply that by a million when you have a baby that the doctors kept urgeing you to terminate b/c of health issues, and spending weeks on end away from home for appts all for him, and any mother with a high risk pregnancy knows that connection. when you want him to survive so bad from the time of his conception and came up to roadblock after roadblock and knocked them down one at a time. to spend each and every day he was in the hospital with him but maybe 4 maximum in 7 years…to research 24/7 for him, for getting out of state 2nd and 3rd opinions for his survival, for pleading with pharmaceutical companies to release research drugs to your son…and then to see it all fail.
like none of it mattered.
i said goodbye to my son.
i have to now say goodbye to the cf doctors
to my former existance
i have to define a new me
my fight and passion died with conner.
not my fight against cf…simply my fight for his survival. my determination to save him.
but for a mother to say goodbye to a child whom i fought for from day number one with every ounce of every fiber of my being, i simply don’t know where to begin…
i carried him.
i loved him
i fought for him.
and now he’s gone.
and he took my heart with him…