I was able to eat two small meals. A huge accomplishment.
I got out of bed before 11 am. an even bigger accomplishment.
I was able to take a shower without tears.
I made it almost an entire hour awake without crying.
I felt like everyone I saw knew what I’d been thru…felt like everyone was staring at me.
today i took a brief nap.
today i chased hunter in the park causing him to laugh like he hasn’t in quite some time.
and it made me smile.
i humbled myself and cleaned up dog poop in the bathroom…TMI i know…but hey every tiny bit counts now…
today i wore my FUCF shirt that I love. because i couldn’t feel more agreeing on that if i tried. FU CF!!!
today i’m realizing already how quickly i’m forgetting the sound of his sweet voice…
today i looked for him before realizing he wasn’t there
today i got angry at him for leaving me, turning my world upside down. i’m so mad…
today i picked up his death certificate.
i also picked up the pj’s he slipped into heaven wearing from the funeral home.
today my arms literally ached to hold him.
i longed to smell his hair. hold his hand. breathe his breaths…
today i found new pictures…and FYI these are not for kids to see…they are of conner at his visitation…but i find them beautiful…
top of his casket…hand painted
My days are empty and long. i spend each moment hugging my two children still with me. Hunter says these pics of Conner are of his angel body. Oh my sweet 4 year old how much he misses his brother.
oooh but today my love, my sweet angel boy i miss you to peices. and my heart is so utterly broken…
Love Love Love
Always Always Always
Oh wow I don't think I was expecting the pics of him in his coffin. I don't know if I would be selfless enough to share those moments. His angel body will rest easy in custom made coffin with his stuffed sesame street character. ♥
ReplyDeleteHe is so beautiful. Continuing to lift up your entire family in prayer.
ReplyDeleteHe really looked beautiful. Your family is never far from my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you and Conner nor do I know CF personally. I do know hospitals and meds more than I ever wanted, not nearly to the extent you do, but having followed your blog now for the last couple of months I feel selfish for thinking my son and I had it bad. I can't imagine what it was like for you, Conner and your family. I do believe he is free now and is breathing easy, and for that I am thankful as I know you are too. I pray for you and your family in this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteShanon
Continued prayers for your family. My life and family are forever touched by yours. We continue the CF fight with the strength and resolve of all the brave warriors who have gone before. The pictures are beautiful! I can only imagine the emotion that comes with them and probably will forever. They are precious. Love to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your final photo's of Conner. I have the one's of my late sister Elizabeth. I still look at them after all these years. She was beautiful. Some people thought that was tasteless to get, but they comforted us.
ReplyDeleteI remember my mom mentioning aching arms to hold Beth.
Your family continues to be in our thoughts and prayers.
This breaks my heart into a thousand pieces, Sarah. Beautifully written, beautifully courageous, beautifully heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all...
Amanda
(Mom of Ethan -almost 7 w/ CF and Kenzie -almost 10)
My heart aches for you as you grieve the loss of your precious Conner. Praying the Lord continues to mend your heart one day at a time and that you are able to remember the sweet sound of his voice today and always.
ReplyDeletePraying for you...
ReplyDeletePraying, praying, praying....much love to you Sarah from South Dakota...
ReplyDeleteKristin
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI cannot possibly understand how you are feeling....ever. My husband has CF, he's 40 and had a double lung due to f'ing CF. I don't know what to say but...know Connor is breathing easy now...
Love from Bethlehem, PA.
Here is a rose for you:
--------<@
fahrjr@blogspot.com
He's a beautiful angel.
ReplyDeleteGo Super Grover Conner xxxxx Really very beautiful, loved the hand painting, prints and personal touches ((xxx))
ReplyDeleteSarah. Im speechless. All I can say is he is a beautiful angel baby. Thank you once again, for being such an inspiration. I could never thank you enough! Love Love Love!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. As you find your new normal, you'll find lots of downs, lots of ups and lots of numb times. Go with it as you have gone throughout this incredibly sad journey and please keep on sharing - everything you've lived through will give and continue to give inspiration and hope to lots of other people. You (and thousands of us) will never forget Conner and how much his life has meant.
ReplyDeleteHe looks so peaceful and beautiful Sarah. A wonderful post. Love,Love,Love!!
ReplyDeleteXoxoxo,
Kara
First i want to say thank you for sharing your thoughts and your beautiful words about your absolutely beautiful son! his smile will stay with me forever, i read the article in the paper a few days ago and i can't get your family out of my head. i think of you daily and your struggles with this horrible diesease and the bravery of your Conner is amazing! I read your words and tears streamed down my face, i had to stop a few times and just cry my heart out for you~i am a mother of 7 and my heart feels like i lost him myself. i just can't even put it into words how sorry i am that your little angel went home! The impact you and your son have on me is awesome~i realize now that every breathe is precious and every moment with our kids should count. i thank you for sharing. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND CONNER FLY HIGH AND BREATHE PEACEFULLY! GOD BLESS
ReplyDeleteSarah, thank you for sharing pictures of Conners gift. It was so kind. In the first picture..his peacefull smile,priceless.I think of Conner and your family everyday.
ReplyDeletepraying and praying for your family....you will have so many more tomorrows than yesterdays with your beautiful son in heaven!! .....thank you for sharing and helping me to not take a moment with my cf angel for granted!
ReplyDeletelove to you all, ricki & sophia
god bless x x x
ReplyDeleteXOXOXO
ReplyDeleteLOVE!!!!
so much love love love to you, god bless
ReplyDeleteI don't know you but my dear friend whose daughter has cf directed me to your site. I have no words. I was immediately overcome with sadness when I looked at your posts. My deepest, deepest sympathies to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful angel.
ReplyDeleteWe are praying for all of you in Georgia. And, I couldn't agree more...FU CF. XO!
Mottskii is my husband...I don't know why it is coming up...but his love is there too.
ReplyDeleteHi there...I just wanted you to know that you are thought of today! My prayers are sent to help comfort you through your day...second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour...just for the day until you fall into sleep. What you write helps so many. I pray that your family is able to grieve with you, even though each of you is in your own world of Connor thoughts...not really outside of yourself thinking of others. I pray that you have more patience on the outside than you are feeling on the inside. I pray that you can forgive each other this test of faith and move on...ever so slowly and painfully, until you are running and laughing as if you are all children...open to God and realizing that Connor is right there with you...that wisp of air you feel grazing your cheeks as you laugh! You'll hear the birds...and know his flight!
May you find just a second of peace today, a glimpse of open, clear sky all the way to heaven!
Peace be with your family,
Toni Mott
Hi there...I just wanted you to know that you are thought of today! My prayers are sent to help comfort you through your day...second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour...just for the day until you fall into sleep. What you write helps so many. I pray that your family is able to grieve with you, even though each of you is in your own world of Connor thoughts...not really outside of yourself thinking of others. I pray that you have more patience on the outside than you are feeling on the inside. I pray that you can forgive each other this test of faith and move on...ever so slowly and painfully, until you are running and laughing as if you are all children...open to God and realizing that Connor is right there with you...that wisp of air you feel grazing your cheeks as you laugh! You'll hear the birds...and know his flight!
ReplyDeleteMay you find just a second of peace today, a glimpse of open, clear sky all the way to heaven!
Peace be with your family,
Toni Mott
My heart is aching for you. I cannot believe how much your story has touched my heart. Every time I see red I think of you and your little boy. I made sure to set off a red "hot air balloon" for Conner on July 4th.
ReplyDeletehugs from Florida xxoo
ReplyDelete