My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Friday, July 2, 2010

today…

I was able to eat two small meals. A huge accomplishment.

I got out of bed before 11 am. an even bigger accomplishment.

I was able to take a shower without tears.

I made it almost an entire hour awake without crying.

I felt like everyone I saw knew what I’d been thru…felt like everyone was staring at me.

today i took a brief nap.

today i chased hunter in the park causing him to laugh like he hasn’t in quite some time.

and it made me smile.

i humbled myself and cleaned up dog poop in the bathroom…TMI i know…but hey every tiny bit counts now…

today i wore my FUCF shirt that I love. because i couldn’t feel more agreeing on that if i tried. FU  CF!!!

today i’m realizing already how quickly i’m forgetting the sound of his sweet voice…

today i looked for him before realizing he wasn’t there

today i got angry at him for leaving me, turning my world upside down. i’m so mad…

today i picked up his death certificate.

i also picked up the pj’s he slipped into heaven wearing from the funeral home.

today my arms literally ached to hold him.

i longed to smell his hair. hold his hand. breathe his breaths…

today i found new pictures…and FYI these are not for kids to see…they are of conner at his visitation…but i find them beautiful…

001

002

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007

018

top of his casket…hand painted

025

026

028

033

030

027

My days are empty and long. i spend each moment hugging my two children still with me. Hunter says these pics of Conner are of his angel body. Oh my sweet 4 year old how much he misses his brother.

oooh but today my love, my sweet angel boy i miss you to peices. and my heart is so utterly broken…

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

28 comments:

  1. Oh wow I don't think I was expecting the pics of him in his coffin. I don't know if I would be selfless enough to share those moments. His angel body will rest easy in custom made coffin with his stuffed sesame street character. ♥

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  2. He is so beautiful. Continuing to lift up your entire family in prayer.

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  3. He really looked beautiful. Your family is never far from my thoughts and prayers.

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  4. I don't know you and Conner nor do I know CF personally. I do know hospitals and meds more than I ever wanted, not nearly to the extent you do, but having followed your blog now for the last couple of months I feel selfish for thinking my son and I had it bad. I can't imagine what it was like for you, Conner and your family. I do believe he is free now and is breathing easy, and for that I am thankful as I know you are too. I pray for you and your family in this difficult time.

    Shanon

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  5. Continued prayers for your family. My life and family are forever touched by yours. We continue the CF fight with the strength and resolve of all the brave warriors who have gone before. The pictures are beautiful! I can only imagine the emotion that comes with them and probably will forever. They are precious. Love to you!

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  6. Thank you for sharing your final photo's of Conner. I have the one's of my late sister Elizabeth. I still look at them after all these years. She was beautiful. Some people thought that was tasteless to get, but they comforted us.

    I remember my mom mentioning aching arms to hold Beth.

    Your family continues to be in our thoughts and prayers.

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  7. This breaks my heart into a thousand pieces, Sarah. Beautifully written, beautifully courageous, beautifully heartbreaking.

    Thinking of you all...

    Amanda
    (Mom of Ethan -almost 7 w/ CF and Kenzie -almost 10)

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  8. My heart aches for you as you grieve the loss of your precious Conner. Praying the Lord continues to mend your heart one day at a time and that you are able to remember the sweet sound of his voice today and always.

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  9. Praying, praying, praying....much love to you Sarah from South Dakota...
    Kristin

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  10. Sarah,
    I cannot possibly understand how you are feeling....ever. My husband has CF, he's 40 and had a double lung due to f'ing CF. I don't know what to say but...know Connor is breathing easy now...
    Love from Bethlehem, PA.
    Here is a rose for you:
    --------<@

    fahrjr@blogspot.com

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  11. Go Super Grover Conner xxxxx Really very beautiful, loved the hand painting, prints and personal touches ((xxx))

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  12. Sarah. Im speechless. All I can say is he is a beautiful angel baby. Thank you once again, for being such an inspiration. I could never thank you enough! Love Love Love!

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  13. Thank you for sharing this. As you find your new normal, you'll find lots of downs, lots of ups and lots of numb times. Go with it as you have gone throughout this incredibly sad journey and please keep on sharing - everything you've lived through will give and continue to give inspiration and hope to lots of other people. You (and thousands of us) will never forget Conner and how much his life has meant.

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  14. He looks so peaceful and beautiful Sarah. A wonderful post. Love,Love,Love!!

    Xoxoxo,
    Kara

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  15. First i want to say thank you for sharing your thoughts and your beautiful words about your absolutely beautiful son! his smile will stay with me forever, i read the article in the paper a few days ago and i can't get your family out of my head. i think of you daily and your struggles with this horrible diesease and the bravery of your Conner is amazing! I read your words and tears streamed down my face, i had to stop a few times and just cry my heart out for you~i am a mother of 7 and my heart feels like i lost him myself. i just can't even put it into words how sorry i am that your little angel went home! The impact you and your son have on me is awesome~i realize now that every breathe is precious and every moment with our kids should count. i thank you for sharing. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND CONNER FLY HIGH AND BREATHE PEACEFULLY! GOD BLESS

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  16. Sarah, thank you for sharing pictures of Conners gift. It was so kind. In the first picture..his peacefull smile,priceless.I think of Conner and your family everyday.

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  17. praying and praying for your family....you will have so many more tomorrows than yesterdays with your beautiful son in heaven!! .....thank you for sharing and helping me to not take a moment with my cf angel for granted!
    love to you all, ricki & sophia

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  18. so much love love love to you, god bless

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  19. I don't know you but my dear friend whose daughter has cf directed me to your site. I have no words. I was immediately overcome with sadness when I looked at your posts. My deepest, deepest sympathies to you and your family.

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  20. Such a beautiful angel.

    We are praying for all of you in Georgia. And, I couldn't agree more...FU CF. XO!

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  21. Mottskii is my husband...I don't know why it is coming up...but his love is there too.
    Hi there...I just wanted you to know that you are thought of today! My prayers are sent to help comfort you through your day...second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour...just for the day until you fall into sleep. What you write helps so many. I pray that your family is able to grieve with you, even though each of you is in your own world of Connor thoughts...not really outside of yourself thinking of others. I pray that you have more patience on the outside than you are feeling on the inside. I pray that you can forgive each other this test of faith and move on...ever so slowly and painfully, until you are running and laughing as if you are all children...open to God and realizing that Connor is right there with you...that wisp of air you feel grazing your cheeks as you laugh! You'll hear the birds...and know his flight!
    May you find just a second of peace today, a glimpse of open, clear sky all the way to heaven!
    Peace be with your family,
    Toni Mott

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  22. Hi there...I just wanted you to know that you are thought of today! My prayers are sent to help comfort you through your day...second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour...just for the day until you fall into sleep. What you write helps so many. I pray that your family is able to grieve with you, even though each of you is in your own world of Connor thoughts...not really outside of yourself thinking of others. I pray that you have more patience on the outside than you are feeling on the inside. I pray that you can forgive each other this test of faith and move on...ever so slowly and painfully, until you are running and laughing as if you are all children...open to God and realizing that Connor is right there with you...that wisp of air you feel grazing your cheeks as you laugh! You'll hear the birds...and know his flight!
    May you find just a second of peace today, a glimpse of open, clear sky all the way to heaven!
    Peace be with your family,
    Toni Mott

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  23. My heart is aching for you. I cannot believe how much your story has touched my heart. Every time I see red I think of you and your little boy. I made sure to set off a red "hot air balloon" for Conner on July 4th.

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