I had the priviledge of speaking at my sons life celebration yesterday and by the grace of God these words came out…
Love love love
Not really sure where to begin because a mother’s love starts long before you ever see your child. Conner I’ve loved you from the time I was born from my own mother. Forever ago and forever, always. Seems like it was just yesterday your daddy and I found out we were pregnant with you. I’ve felt your peace and your strength ever since. You and I are connected. Not with any visible chain but with the strings of our hearts. Bonded. Knit together. Your fight was my fight. Your struggles were my struggles. Your joys were my joys. Your determination was mine to share. You modeled for me a new way to live.
A better way.
The Conner way.
I’m so grateful for that. Your love for me had no grey area, no borders, no beginning and no ending. I’m so thankful that you and I continue to have that connection even in death. I hear your sweet voice though you’re gone, continuing to remind me of whats important and what is only details. I see your love for me thru the people you’re sending my way each day. Every personal contact with each one I see each day is someone you’re sending my direction. I could never even begin to understand just how perfect a soul you are, how you’re still watching over me and loving me and protecting me. It’s funny. I thought as a mother I was supposed to be teaching YOU the lessons. Now I know I’ve had it all wrong all these 7 years. My sweet prince, my angel baby…my heart is full of the greatest sadness and the greatest joy I could ever have imagined. My soul aches, my arms are craving to hold you once more, my heart is breaking to feel your love in the flesh. My ears are burning to hear your angelic voice say you love me once more…but…my soul is so glad you’re gone. A soul as precious as yours never belonged to this world, nor to me or to your daddy. You’ve always been Gods son, simply on loan to us. My heart is so glad you are breathing freely, running without hardship, and that you are free to simply care for us and love on us from way beyond the clouds. I could never imagine the hardships you’ve so gracefully endured. The pain. The fear. Oh my sweet prince your purpose and calling was so much bigger than I ever could have dreamt of 8 short years ago when you first became mine…heart to heart. My dear angel your job has only just begun and I consider it the greatest honor of my life to speak about you now to all of these souls who love you so much as well. Until we see each other on the other side my angel baby…mommy loves you endlessly…
My dearest friends here today. I know just how you feel. I know your pain. I know your hope. I know your unending love. But these tears aren’t meant for us. They could never be. Imagine for a moment living your life without having ever had the opportunity to meet our angel. The love, the joy, the sadness, the worry, the peace that we would have missed out on. These tears are simply temporary. They are an attempt to bridge the gap from life to death, to convince our minds of what our hearts know as the most amazing pain imaginable. But with every sunrise and with every beautiful sunset he is with us. There’s no other place he’d rather be. God knew more than anyone that this world could never hold him. That his spirit and love was simply out of this world. His earthly body failed him miserably but God never failed Conner.
He lived a life of passion and purpose, he loved with every single space in his heart, he breathed with every single ounce his lungs would let him, fully knowing that his time here would be short. He always made sure to let us know how deep his love for us was and still is. He laughed with his best friend Hunter until his lungs burned; he sang quiet songs of worship in the very back seat of our car. His heart always wept for the sadness and pain that this world has brought upon so many with this disease, his soul screamed for a cure. Yet he understood that for him, the cure would be death. To breathe free he’d have to say goodbye for now to his family and friends, but he was fully willing and ready to do that. His heart simply couldn’t handle watching his disease and pain hurt us any longer.
His mission was simple.
Teach the thousands who considered him an angel the ways of the Lord. His love, strength, kindness, patience, perseverance, determination, compassion, smile, happiness, and sense of humor were a few of his greatest attributes. He loved wholly, lived fully and breathed in life deeply.
It’s never goodbye my friends.
With every speck of red he puts into your every day think of him. With every kind child you see think of him. When you see legos, transformers and kids running in laughter think of him. Whenever you hear him speak into your heart, know that it’s truly him. When you get a sudden chill or goose bumps know its Conner holding you close. Know that the greatest day of his life was the day he left this world. Free. Know the tears we shed and the pain we feel is only a tiny fraction of the joy and overwhelming happiness that he’s feeling now. This world simply was never big enough…his spirit is heavy on my shoulders, his love is deep within my heart and his smile is the warm sunshine on my face like angel kisses. Hug your kids tightly, truly live each day, don’t wait for your salvation because Conner wouldn’t want that, be patient, love whole heartedly, laugh as much as you can, give freely of yourself to others, and just as I whispered into his ear his entire last day alive, and even as he took his last labored breath love love love. Always always always.