My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Love Love Love

I had the priviledge of speaking at my sons life celebration yesterday and by the grace of God these words came out…

Love love love

Not really sure where to begin because a mother’s love starts long before you ever see your child. Conner I’ve loved you from the time I was born from my own mother. Forever ago and forever, always. Seems like it was just yesterday your daddy and I found out we were pregnant with you. I’ve felt your peace and your strength ever since. You and I are connected. Not with any visible chain but with the strings of our hearts. Bonded. Knit together. Your fight was my fight. Your struggles were my struggles. Your joys were my joys. Your determination was mine to share. You modeled for me a new way to live.

A better way.

The Conner way.

I’m so grateful for that. Your love for me had no grey area, no borders, no beginning and no ending. I’m so thankful that you and I continue to have that connection even in death. I hear your sweet voice though you’re gone, continuing to remind me of whats important and what is only details. I see your love for me thru the people you’re sending my way each day. Every personal contact with each one I see each day is someone you’re sending my direction. I could never even begin to understand just how perfect a soul you are, how you’re still watching over me and loving me and protecting me. It’s funny. I thought as a mother I was supposed to be teaching YOU the lessons. Now I know I’ve had it all wrong all these 7 years. My sweet prince, my angel baby…my heart is full of the greatest sadness and the greatest joy I could ever have imagined. My soul aches, my arms are craving to hold you once more, my heart is breaking to feel your love in the flesh. My ears are burning to hear your angelic voice say you love me once more…but…my soul is so glad you’re gone. A soul as precious as yours never belonged to this world, nor to me or to your daddy. You’ve always been Gods son, simply on loan to us. My heart is so glad you are breathing freely, running without hardship, and that you are free to simply care for us and love on us from way beyond the clouds. I could never imagine the hardships you’ve so gracefully endured. The pain. The fear. Oh my sweet prince your purpose and calling was so much bigger than I ever could have dreamt of 8 short years ago when you first became mine…heart to heart. My dear angel your job has only just begun and I consider it the greatest honor of my life to speak about you now to all of these souls who love you so much as well. Until we see each other on the other side my angel baby…mommy loves you endlessly…

My dearest friends here today. I know just how you feel. I know your pain. I know your hope. I know your unending love. But these tears aren’t meant for us. They could never be. Imagine for a moment living your life without having ever had the opportunity to meet our angel. The love, the joy, the sadness, the worry, the peace that we would have missed out on. These tears are simply temporary. They are an attempt to bridge the gap from life to death, to convince our minds of what our hearts know as the most amazing pain imaginable. But with every sunrise and with every beautiful sunset he is with us. There’s no other place he’d rather be. God knew more than anyone that this world could never hold him. That his spirit and love was simply out of this world. His earthly body failed him miserably but God never failed Conner.

He lived a life of passion and purpose, he loved with every single space in his heart, he breathed with every single ounce his lungs would let him, fully knowing that his time here would be short. He always made sure to let us know how deep his love for us was and still is. He laughed with his best friend Hunter until his lungs burned; he sang quiet songs of worship in the very back seat of our car. His heart always wept for the sadness and pain that this world has brought upon so many with this disease, his soul screamed for a cure. Yet he understood that for him, the cure would be death. To breathe free he’d have to say goodbye for now to his family and friends, but he was fully willing and ready to do that. His heart simply couldn’t handle watching his disease and pain hurt us any longer.

His mission was simple.

Love.

Teach the thousands who considered him an angel the ways of the Lord. His love, strength, kindness, patience, perseverance, determination, compassion, smile, happiness, and sense of humor were a few of his greatest attributes. He loved wholly, lived fully and breathed in life deeply.

It’s never goodbye my friends.

Never.

With every speck of red he puts into your every day think of him. With every kind child you see think of him. When you see legos, transformers and kids running in laughter think of him. Whenever you hear him speak into your heart, know that it’s truly him. When you get a sudden chill or goose bumps know its Conner holding you close. Know that the greatest day of his life was the day he left this world. Free. Know the tears we shed and the pain we feel is only a tiny fraction of the joy and overwhelming happiness that he’s feeling now. This world simply was never big enough…his spirit is heavy on my shoulders, his love is deep within my heart and his smile is the warm sunshine on my face like angel kisses. Hug your kids tightly, truly live each day, don’t wait for your salvation because Conner wouldn’t want that, be patient, love whole heartedly, laugh as much as you can, give freely of yourself to others, and just as I whispered into his ear his entire last day alive, and even as he took his last labored breath love love love. Always always always.

15 comments:

  1. Sarah that was so beautifully written. So true and I will remember all those things. Just before I came and read this I went in and checked on Courtney and she gave me a extra long hug and I just had to smile. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers and thoughts daily.

    LOVE LOVE LOVE

    Mandie~

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are such an example to all of us, how to face loss with faith, an open loving heart, and belief that there is no end, only a transformation. You and Connor have changed my life, and I thought I had been through this before. I was wrong. With love love love, cg Beth Peters

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for posting this, Sarah. I copied it and sent it on to Earl and Melissa who were not able to be at the service to hear you speak these words. Your words were so full of meaning that I am grateful to be able to read them again and again and think on the wisdom you've expressed. Thank you for everything. God bless you and Brad and the boys.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Sarah,

    I found your blog through my sister, and I only started reading it a few days before your son passed away. I debated on whether to comment. But, I felt like God was telling me to write this to you.

    I am the mother of two small sons. I have no idea the amount of pain and despair you must be going through, but from the moment I started reading about Connor I made it a point to start telling my boys how lucky I was to be their mother, and what awesome kids they were. I have changed my attitude towards them I no longer worry about the small things. Now, I really know what little time I have with them, and I am determined to make every minute count. This is all because of your son and his story.

    I prayed for you and your family from the first moment I knew about Connor. I cried the whole day I read the blog about his passing, and I never even knew him. I am sad that I didn't. He seemed like such a brave angel. I am glad that his pain is over. My heart breaks for the pain your family must be feeling. I cannot even imagine.

    Mostly, I wanted to say this. Conner's story inspired me to put my name on the donor registration card for my state. I have always been afraid to think of what will happen when I die, but Connor, and your description of his bravery have helped me, a 29 year old woman, feel confident that an angel like Connor will be there on the other side, and my donation would have helped someone like him here on this side.

    I hope that gives you some small peace of comfort. May God make his face to shine upon you, and give you peace.

    Sincerely,
    Tara L. Hook

    ReplyDelete
  5. Amazing, Sarah. Just amazing.

    I can't imagine the pain you are feeling but I know you are happy that Conner-Man is breathing freely and deeply and is in a place where he will never have to get a port accessed or struggle to breath again.

    Love.Love.Love Oh, how I hope that I can remember that it truly is ALL that matters in this life. God Bless YOU for blessing me so dearly.

    xoxo
    Julie H Ball

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sarah, I just want you to know that You and Conner are two of the most amazing people I've ever "known". I only know you through facebook and your blog, but we have that cf mommy bond. You truly are an inspiration to so many of us!! CF for me is bitter sweet..I HATE watching my son suffer, but I have met soooo sooo soooo many amazing people that I never would have met!! THANK YOU SARAH from the bottom of my heart for your uplifting words and encouragement for this fight...I don't know you, but I love you and think about you often!! God Bless You and your family..You are truly an AMAZING woman!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. What a beautiful tribute...and what a joy to know Connor and share in his story because of your courage. Thank you Sarah.

    Praying for God's strength for you right now....

    Kristin

    ReplyDelete
  8. Beautiful words from a beautiful heart. God's blessings to you and your family as you continue your journey. Peace
    Gina

    ReplyDelete
  9. What a lovely and pure tribute. God bless you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  10. That was beautiful I'm in tears. I hope I can remember everything in this blog post when my own daughter Sara passes one day. You are amazing Sarah. <3 <3 <3 and FUCF !
    I think I need to get a t-shirt with those letters on it :)
    I will continue to pray for you and your family, and thank you for sharing this blog with me and all of us out here. LOVE LOVE LOVE

    ReplyDelete
  11. Sarah you are amazing. thanks for posting. =)

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Did You Know....

There are over 100,000 people, the size of a small city, on the transplant list in the US.

There were less than 10,000 deceased organ donors in the US last year. (that's a ratio of 1 organ donor to every 10 transplant patients).

In the time it takes you to shower today, 1 new name is added to the US transplant waiting list.

From the time you woke up this morning to the time you wake up tomorrow morning, 18 people will die waiting for their transplant in the US.

click here to join the organ donation registry

BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR, SAVE A LIFE!