My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Saturday, July 24, 2010

“happy” anniversary

There really aren’t words to describe today.

I was busy kicking CF’s butt all morning with a hugely successful Scentsy show…

but then…

it was over.

reality came.

i drove home…grabbed brad…and went to the floral shop to pick up connermans “monthaversary” bouquet.

it was beautiful.

reds, blues, whites…a dori fish on it..perfect

spent about 40 minutes or so with brad just sitting at conners place. it was so quiet and peaceful.

but our hearts were anything but peaceful.

the day passed in a blur. we filled it with busyness and i even took a 2 hour nap just to make time pass quicker…

but now its quiet

its still

our kids are home and they’re sleeping in their beds

my busyness is done for the day and i have to rest in the quiet.

and i hate the quiet now.

i hate that he’s gone.

i hate it.

i hate all these stupid firsts…

its reliving his death OVER and OVER and OVER…

to you God I’m thankful that tonight my beautiful son is there holding your hand, helping you collect my tears. To you Lord I’m thankful for my two living, beautiful sons and my wonderful husband..and I guess even the dog maybe…to You God I put my faith in, i cannot do this alone…never have…never will…but please lord my only wish…is to feel Conners presence each time the sun shines on my face, each time the wind tickles my arms, each time the rain pours out on me lord…i can’t live without him…

tomorrow is a new day

and thank god for that.



  1. I've started and erased several comments now, because words are so empty and hollow compared to the weight and substance of your pain. You and your family are an inspiration, and your survival and honesty through these dark days will inspire and sustain so many others.

    Congratulations on making it through today. I wish I could say that things will get easier, but I can't...because I honestly have no idea. I've never dealt with an inkling of the pain that you have. You have God on your side, and the love of strangers and friends around the globe. As a friend of Gary Holde (he married my husband and I), I know you are in good hands with him in your court! I pray for God to continue to increase the support both silent and in the flesh. I pray for minutes of comfort and momentary relief from your grief. Walk in peace this week.

  2. I'm proud of you, Sarah. One second. One minute. One hour. One day. One week. One month. One at a time. I'm always so proud of you.


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  4. Love, love, love to you. xoxo Elise (mom to the amazing Froggy w/CF)


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