My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

HE IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness.

I’m so excited I can hardly contain myself.

I’ve heard before about different people receiving love from beyond heaven…but I admit I was partially skeptical. Only because it’s never been something I would’ve ever had any experience with…but it’s happened.

Three nights ago my husband and I got home from Vancouver, it was dark outside. We grabbed the boys took them inside and we went back out to get our stuff from the van…and Brad stubbed his toe on what we thought was the uneven pathway…he looked down and picked up a red lego piece…we both thought it was bizarre because we’d been gone for two days and they’re the bigger legos that we really don’t have many of anyway. But in my mind I thought oh my it’s Conner. I’ve been sure his heavenly home is made of red legos. but, i brought it inside still skeptical and put it in a secure spot where nobody knew where it was.

The next day I talked to a girlfriend and she had been at our house the day before and had her son with her and said he was playing with legos upstairs in conners room so then my heart sunk, thinking that he probably had the red lego still and dropped it there.

Well tonight was difficult.

Today was difficult.

today was Brads first day back to work, and while he made it thru, it was a very difficult day for him.

and for me…tonight was my first CF Family Council meeting since the night before Conner passed. I walked back into the hospital that we’ve considered home away from home and the smells and the memories overwhelmed me. i went on the floor after the meeting and hugged some nurses and volunteers and listened to how they were all so devestated when they learned Conner passed away. I left feeling very upset. very melancholy. very much not ok. i started driving home and i noticed the beautiful moon tonight, a simple sliver in a beautiful shade of orangish yellow and then i noticed a huge bright star next to it. then i realized it was the only star in the sky…i smiled a bit feeling still so overwhelmed and said…”hi conner i hope thats you” and the star followed me all the way home and left sight as i pulled in front of the house. I take a deep breath to kind of collect my emotions and start walking up the drive and

TRIP!!!!!!

I looked down and it was a red lego in the same spot where we found the other one. I choked and picked it up and looked in the sky and said “are you kidding me?” and i kid you not…clear as day I heard Conners voice in my ears saying “its me mommy”

i run inside yelling for brad who can’t hear me us he’s upstairs playing xbox. i go up there and ask him if they’d been outside today and he said no. i said ok anyone go out front since i’ve been gone and he said no. it’s just he and bradyn, hunter is at his cousins house for a few days and so i knew he didn’t have it there…i said “brad…i found another red lego” and we both started laughing. i mean mouth dropped to our ankles laughing.

i ran downstairs to where i placed the lego from a few days before and IT WAS STILL THERE….

this was the exact same red lego piece…as the one we found on Sunday.

My heart is swollen with love. this couldn’t come at a more perfect day as today. it was horribly difficult and connerman is simply sending us his love from beyond the clouds…

and please…i know how this may sound cus i was in your shoes not too long ago when I’ve read about others peoples “experiences” similiar to this…but I will never in my life ever doubt it ever again.

simple red legos can make the biggest difference in the world…

connerman I love you baby!

19 comments:

  1. I don't doubt you one bit. For us it was a TX State Quarter that fell out of my husbands hat. Makes no sense, right? Who keeps a quarter in their hat? It was moments after his dad, who was a proud Texan, passed away.

    I hope you find many more red Legos, and even if you don't you know he's there.

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  2. AMAZING!!! *what a miracle hun - you are never alone <3

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  3. This is so beautiful, and I believe you completely. One of my friends passed away from brain cancer seven years ago, and I didn't know that he had died until about 2 weeks after it happened. But the night that he died, I had the most vivid dream I've EVER had -- my friend came to me, gave me a big hug and told me he loved me. I've never had a dream that felt so real. I could feel his arms around me when I woke up and I just had this sense that he was telling me goodbye. Two weeks later, I realized that he was. I've had similar dreams in the years since, usually around the time something major is going on in my life. It's been a great comfort to me.

    Conner is definitely watching over you guys. What a blessing.

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  4. I'm glad he visited on such a rough day. ♥ =)

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  5. I have tears in my eyes! I'm so glad that he's visiting you ((hugs))

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  6. What a wonderful piece of love on a rough day. I watched the In the Middle video yesterday. Shouldn't have watched it at work....too hard to contain the tears, but oh how powerful. Thank you!

    Kristin

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  7. Sarah, you don't know me but I have been praying for you and dear Conner since I found your blog just before he left us. I have been praying that you would hear from him in heaven. I am so happy for you that it finally happened. I had "experiences" when my dad died and wanted the same for you. I pray for peace for you and all who love Conner. I don't have experience with CF but I do have a boy about Conner's age. God bless you all and give you His peace. I'll continue to pray for you.
    Sincerely, Anita in Northern VA

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  8. What a connection you have with Conner! That is such a heart warming story and what a precious and much needed gift he gave you. I read the comment on your last blog where someone left the story about angel best friends and when I read this blog, I thought it must be true. Love to you both.

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  9. WOW, God bless you sarah. Keeping you in my prayers!! : )

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  10. *Only* a mother and son could share such a special bond. I know it well. While I am so sad for you and keep you in my prayers constantly, I am smiling for you that you have seen Conner in such a magical, "Conner" way:)
    xoxo
    Julie

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  11. ...I will NEVER look at a red lego the same way again!!
    <3

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  12. This is beautiful.... God Bless...

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  13. I have goosebumps reading this. And tears in my eyes. That is truly amazing.

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  14. oh wow. THank you for sharing this. It gave me chills. I lost my boyfriend to CF two days ago and after reading this I know that when I felt him with me the night that he died it was so real

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  15. I'm so happy for you to have found his messages! My mom sent me emails after she passed away.

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  16. I know people also this has happened to! It is totally true! Wow that must have been powerful and wonderful feeling moment!
    LB

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  17. AMEN and AMEN!! I have prayed and hoped that Conner would somehow show you "heavenly love" to help you and Brad through this difficult, transitional phase, and praise God he has!!! Love never fails!!

    Blessings from Texas

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  18. Wow, tears are streaming down. That's incredible. I just wanted to let you know I've thought about you everyday since I first started reading your blog not long ago. My friends and family are also praying for you and sending you love. To red legos! oxox

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  19. I've been following your blog since last Feb. I have a friend who lives in Candby Or who was starting a blog about her son's diagnosis of Aplastic Anemia. She was going to call it the same name as your blog. Anyway, serendipity.
    My grandmother passed 01/23/2010 at the age of 92. I was her sidekick since 1978 after my grandfather had passed. She had been raised to believe that when you die you go to sleep until the second coming. I was always challenging her on this. Because so many out there believe different. She had kept a book to read to the great grandchildren called Pussywillow which had always been a favorite of mine. I kept that book out of her personal belongings when I cleaned up her room.
    A week after she passed my family and a childhood friend went to the beach for a few days to basically recover. As we headed up Indian Head at Cannon Beach my friend exclaimed-
    Well look at that! In the midst of all the evergreens was a lone pussywillow in full bloom.
    I knew that was her way of telling me what was true. It was later explained to me by a pastor friend that it does say that we will go to sleep. Yet throughout time certain people have been raised immedietly to heaven to be angels with God. Conner is definetly an angel that is sitting on Gods lap breathing freely and the lego's are his way to let you know what is true.
    Thank you so much for sharing your experience completely.

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