without my angel baby.
i’m done smiling. really…nothing to smile about right now.
my heart is hurting. acheing. how can it possibly be ok now?
damn it conner stop teasing me. stop talking to me..stop reminding me how much you love me. because i love you endlessly. but i’m broken. and i can’t be fixed. it’s a tease my dear to hear your sweet voice or to see all this damned red everywhere. my heart is on overload.
time has stood still for me for two weeks now. each day passes just like the one before it. maybe a meal here and there, every once in awhile a shower or a load of laundry added to my checklist…but damn it nothing else stops. nothing.
death is not a stop sign.
death is a pass go collect NOTHING sign…
but grief. anger. sadness. tears. smiles. memories. frustration. short tempers. memories simply aren’t enough my dear. i’m so off and on. one second fine, the next i want to crawl into bed. i want to shut down. i want everyone to simply shut up. really. just shut up. what the hell could you possibly have to complain about? a busted toe? try a broken heart. the ULTIMATE broken heart. your head hurt? wow…how i feel sorry for YOU…give me a damn break. i would give anything…EVERYTHING for my baby back. if even just long enough for one last hug and kiss. anything. stop stamping your damn feet at your kids because of YOUR agenda. kids are kids…they are late by nature. you need to reorganize YOUR priorities. stop smoking your damn cigarettes and killing your beautiful lungs. damn it stop it! how selfish can you possibly be???? not only are you voluntarily CHOOSING to kill your lungs but your taking away any possibility of a beautiful soul needing and using your lungs to simply breathe. stop staring at me like i’m on display. i know i'm a wreck and i look like crap. you don’t need to remind me. and for gods sake STOP APPOLOGIZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know your sorry. i’m sorry. we’re all sorry. god i sound like a freak show i know. i’m not one drop mad at anyone. for anything. i just need to scream.
the scariest part of all this is knowing that it’s not fully real yet. i look at the boxes of kleenex stacked on just about every surface in my house and most of them are unused. so i know the shit hasn’t even begun to hit the fan yet. my husband goes back to work half days starting wednesday and i’m scared to death. i can’t even take care of myself how the hell am i gonna take care of my two babies?
why in the world doesn’t life simply stop…give me a chance to try to exhale and catch my breath a bit? how can i grieve the most intimate loss of my lifetime while the world still spins…bills still arrive…back to damn school sales start…vacation plans drag friends away…
i haven’t really fully realized how much free time there is now. no more 25 treatments per day anymore…no more hours spent hooked to ivs or the vest or nebs or tube feeds. its all been done.
my job has ended. i have been fired.
and there is no unemployment benefits for me … just misery.
c’mon conner man help me.
i love you baby boy. always. damn it. always.