My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, July 8, 2010

two weeks down a million to go

without my angel baby.

i’m pissy.

i’m tired.

i’m done smiling. really…nothing to smile about right now.

my heart is hurting. acheing. how can it possibly be ok now?

damn it conner stop teasing me. stop talking to me..stop reminding me how much you love me. because i love you endlessly. but i’m broken. and i can’t be fixed. it’s a tease my dear to hear your sweet voice or to see all this damned red everywhere. my heart is on overload.

time has stood still for me for two weeks now. each day passes just like the one before it. maybe a meal here and there, every once in awhile a shower or a load of laundry added to my checklist…but damn it nothing else stops. nothing.

death is not a stop sign.

death is a pass go collect NOTHING sign…

nothing.

but grief. anger. sadness. tears. smiles. memories. frustration. short tempers. memories simply aren’t enough my dear. i’m so off and on. one second fine, the next i want to crawl into bed. i want to shut down. i want everyone to simply shut up. really. just shut up. what the hell could you possibly have to complain about? a busted toe? try a broken heart. the ULTIMATE broken heart. your head hurt? wow…how i feel sorry for YOU…give me a damn break. i would give anything…EVERYTHING for my baby back.  if even just long enough for one last hug and kiss. anything. stop stamping your damn feet at your kids because of YOUR agenda. kids are kids…they are late by nature. you need to reorganize YOUR priorities. stop smoking your damn cigarettes and killing your beautiful lungs. damn it stop it! how selfish can you possibly be???? not only are you voluntarily CHOOSING to kill your lungs but your taking away any possibility of a beautiful soul needing and using your lungs to simply breathe. stop staring at me like i’m on display. i know i'm a wreck and i look like crap. you don’t need to remind me. and for gods sake STOP APPOLOGIZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know your sorry. i’m sorry. we’re all sorry. god i sound like a freak show i know. i’m not one drop mad at anyone. for anything. i just need to scream.

the scariest part of all this is knowing that it’s not fully real yet. i look at the boxes of kleenex stacked on just about every surface in my house and most of them are unused. so i know the shit hasn’t even begun to hit the fan yet. my husband goes back to work half days starting wednesday and i’m scared to death. i can’t even take care of myself how the hell am i gonna take care of my two babies?

why in the world doesn’t life simply stop…give me a chance to try to exhale and catch my breath a bit? how can i grieve the most intimate loss of my lifetime while the world still spins…bills still arrive…back to damn school sales start…vacation plans drag friends away…

i haven’t really fully realized how much free time there is now. no more 25 treatments per day anymore…no more hours spent hooked to ivs or the vest or nebs or tube feeds. its all been done.

my job has ended. i have been fired.

and there is no unemployment benefits for me … just misery.

c’mon conner man help me.

help me.

help me.

i love you baby boy. always. damn it. always.

13 comments:

  1. I won't tell you I'm sorry because I know this sucks and I know how those words will only piss you off. I know the pain is unreal and it will only get worse before it gets better. I can't imagine the pain of having 7 yrs with your Angel, because I only had 4 mos with mine. I don't know how I made it through it but here I am 4 yrs later. It still hurts and there isn't a day that goes by I don't remember but it will get easier.

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  2. ((((((HUGS)))))) Sarah like someone said on facebook to you, You have every RIGHT to SCREAM. I won't say I know what your going through because I don't. I just want you to know that you and the rest of the family is in my prayers and thoughts daily.

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  3. I don't really know what to say. So Ill send the big man upstairs some prayers and I hope he grabs hold of your heart and keeps its going strong.

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  4. Get angry and scream you have every right to feel it and express it what ever it is. I relate to some of your feelings, in the way that when I lost my brother I could not believe the world kept rotating. For god sake didn't anybody understand he was gone! how could things keep going like everything was OK. Thank you for your honesty. I also hate the taboo that is death and grief, it's freaking OK to grieve how ever we need to. I do want to be clear though I do not compare the loss of my dearest brother to the loss of a child I watch my parents and I am a parent, that to me is beyond what anyone but a parent who has lost can fully comprehend.

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  5. I can't even imagine....
    (((HUGS)) and prayers for you and your family. Everyone grieves differently and you have every right to scream!! I think it is better to do that than to hold it all in and suffocate on your emotions. Take it one second, minute, hour at a time.

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  6. Please keep sharing your feelings. You need to keep venting. Everyone deals with death differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I lost my mom nearly 24 years ago. I was 16. I know this doesn't compare at all to losing a child. I truly wish I would have written more things down, because there are things that I have forgotten. I guess I just want to say, keep writing. Praying for you all.

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  7. love and hugs to you Sarah!!!!!!! love and hugs!!!!!!!

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  8. Hi Sarah. I hope you have people that can stay with you when your husband goes back to work. I dont even know how I would go on...You are just going to have depend on everyone else to get you through this horrible time. I check this blog everyday to make sure YOU are doing ok. Im hoping you have lots of people to help you out so you can lay in bed all day long as long as you need to.

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  9. You are grieving. You are moving forward. You may not feel like it, but you are. You are surviving. You are learning to live without. However awful it may be, you are coping. Grief feels unbearable. The process you are going through feels endless. As your physical body begins to let go of a loved one – smells, touches, sounds – your mind and soul are creating a warm home for the memories that will forever live inside of you. Every smell, hug, kiss, laugh will remain safe and perfect. As perfect as your love for each other is and always will be. It is an uncomfortable and painful transition because in this life, we feel in such a simple way…with our senses; but in your mind and soul, your love will continue to flourish and grow with your son as your life continues. Continue to write. Remember. Be human. Make mistakes. Be angry. Cry. Reach out for help. You will survive and will go on to help find a cure so this suffering can end. I believe in you and your family. I’m praying for you all and sending you love and support. FUCF. <3<3<3

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  10. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} Sarah, I really don't know what to say! Just want you to know that I think of you and your family all the time and prayer for you, pray that days will begin to be just the slightest bit better for you. Continue to blog, continue to vent, scream, cry, whatever you need to do. You need to get it all out and bottling it up will only make it worse.

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  11. Scream. Cry. Do whatever you have to do. My mom always told me that crying was always ok because that's why God gave us tears. I imagine He is crying right along with you.

    I can think of nothing profound to say. I feel so very deeply for you. You are so strong; such an inspiration to me as a mother...

    xoxo

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  12. I just want to say I am thinking of you. My heart aches for your loss.
    Milli (Natchez, Ms)

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  13. No Sarah, not fired. I think of and pray for you and your family often.

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