My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Friday, July 23, 2010

don’t don’t don’t

stop it stop it stop it…..

why…

why…

every single day is getting harder.

harder to breathe

harder to sleep

harder to concentrate

harder to think of that day, the most horrible day in my life

harder to concentrate

harder to sit still

harder to drive

harder to not cry

harder to not get mad

or pissed

why am i in so much pain

why do i feel so alone

are people afraid of me

do i look like i’m gonna bite

why am i left to try to figure out who my friends are

people say they are, but then why am i sitting here alone

i don’t get it

i should probably mention this…i’m not mad at anyone…i’m just pissed off…even if people were beating down my door i’d still be sad and lonely.

my son is gone.

how can that be

why is everything becoming more difficult

i have pictures of him all over the house

i smell him

i feel him

i have tv shows that used to drive me crazy that conner saved on my dvr and i can’t bring myself to delete them…but because we need to save money mr cable man is coming tomorrow and taking our dvr and replacing it with a different one…so guess what…those shows will be gone

sound ridiculous?

each and everyday i’m losing yet another piece of conner…not him in the flesh cus ya i realize he’s gone…but his laundry is no longer there for me to care for, his placemat is no longer at our dinner table, the chair is empty, his toothbrush is still in the holder, but my cupboards are full of applesauce that he used for his medicine, my med cupboard is bare, his booster seat sits empty in the car, his smell has faded from his bed…

he feels distant

i hate that i go to see him and i’m standing right ontop of him. it pains me that, that is how close we can be now…

it isn’t fair

it isn’t right

my heart is beyond broken it’s shattered

my dreams for him are fading

my brain is so foggy i still hardly know what day it is…i measure time in Thursdays…

tomorrow…

tomorrow marks one entire month.

my angels gone. one entire month.

i feel i could vomit at any second

my head is pounding

my body is beyond exhausted

i can’t imagine it getting any better.

why why why

why couldn’t it have been me

why couldnt i save him

i wish i could’ve traded him places…take me…at least i’ve lived 30 years…7 isn’t even really living yet…

each time i see a picture i instantly think of where we were in that photo and the memories of that day and its THEN that i realize he’s gone…all this empty time hasn’t truly sunk in yet because i’ve been keeping myself so busy…so busy

my kids went to gramma and grampas today and she asked if they had any meds and i just started laughing…uh ya just allergy meds if they need it… to me thats simply crazy

i look back at some of the last pictures we have of conner…the poor angel. i can’t believe how tired and horrible he looked as i’m sure he felt. i can’t believe i didn’t see it all happening….i knew where we were headed but man it happened so quickly.

back to school stuff in the store makes me wanna puke.

no 2nd grade

i’m so broken.

so lost

so done

so over this

so exhausted

so lonely

so…nothing really

conner baby…keep walking with me, keep holding my hand…stay with me…i can’t do this w/o you baby

7 comments:

  1. Sarah. I can completely relate to one part of this and that is that people seem to vanish when you are in the darkest place. People that should have been there for me, my "best" friends, my family, were not. They all just took off. The strange thing is that the people who did show up. Those who really did care are ones that I wasn't that close to. I guess something hard like this and like what I am dealing with just shows who your true friends are. It reveals the hearts of people.

    I think that you also might be putting too much pressure on yourself to keep it together. Why are you feeling the way you are? BECAUSE YOU LOST A CHILD. I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, let alone feel any kind of guilt for hurting more. Let yourself hurt Sarah. Allow yourself any emotion that you need to feel. Scream, cry, vomit, whatever you need to do. Don't feel like you need to soldier on and put on a happy face. I don't expect you to do that and I certainly hope that no one else expects you to do so either.

    I know, from personal experience, that people tend to just want to make the bad go away so that everything can be right in THEIR worlds. People ask how you are but they don't really want to hear how you really are. They want a happy answer so that all seems right in the world. Don't live up to their expectations. Be real. Be raw. Feel what you need to, react how you need to, do what you need to do.

    I love you my sister in Christ.

    ReplyDelete
  2. From another CF mama, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. It's so unfair for you to have lost your little guy, and for him to have gone through so much in his lifetime. Although I have only "met" him through your blog, it is so easy to see that he was an amazing little kid, brave, sweet, and lovely. You have every right to feel devastated, and I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. I am praying for you and your family every day and every time I read your blog. Keep writing, keep getting it out, don't ever bottle it up.
    Love, love love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have no idea how you do it. None. My grandmother buried 3 children, one stillborn. One in infancy and one at 10 months. 5 Living Children. I thought that she was the most amazing person. I don't know how she did it. I don't know how she got up in the morning, how she smiled, laughed, breathed, walked.

    I don't know your pain or hers. But I care. I found your blog looking for answers for my own little girl who struggles every day with GI issues and some respiratory issues. After I had read some of your blog I thought I have nothing to complain about. Much love to you all.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sarah,
    If you need someone to scream at, cry to, laugh to/at or just talk to I am here. I know we don't know each other that well outside of fb, but I would be willing to be a shoulder you could lean/cry on. I can't promise I won't cry too, but it's always better than crying alone. We could do coffee, lunch or pedi's together sometime... my treat! Just message me if your interested. I totally understand if your not, sometimes it is just easier to hide from the world, but I promise it will make you feel better even if it is just for an hour. We don't even have to talk about anything that has been going on, you can be in control of the conversation piece. I think about and pray for your family often!
    Tia

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  5. Seems like so many connected to me lately are sick or experiencing a death of family or friends. Not too long ago I saw a new face at our church. She had just dropped her little girl off in the toddler room with our son. We smiled at each other as we passed and I noticed her sweet daughter playing in the room as I dropped off our boy. After the service, we passed each other again as she picked up her girl and we our boy. She was a girlfriend of a young church member.

    This day we decided to stop by the grocery store on the way home. We live in a rural area with a winding, two-lane, black-topped road. There is one very dangerous stretch where there have been many wrecks during rain showers. Today the road was wet with rain. After my short run into the store we started home. As we approached the dangerous area the oncoming traffic flashed its lights and we slowed down even further approaching the curve as we climbed the hill and started down again. We knew it had happened again. Someone was in the culvert on the side of the road. They were nose down, so far down was the car I could just barely glimpse a bit of gray. We prayed on the way home for whoever was involved.

    That night as I picked up one of our children from a church function I found out that our visitor from that morning and her little girl had been involved in an accident on the way home from church. I knew. The mother, age twenty four or so, was killed. Her daughter survived due to her car seat. She had either been moments behind us or in front of us and already in the culvert when we first passed.

    Our son was diagnosed with CF in January of this year. He is three. I discovered your blog shortly after the car accident of the young mother. CF has a way of putting death in your face and crouching at the door. I see you wrestling with it. I've wrestled with it in the past. However, I am not a member of the club. But, I realize my application has been taken, so to speak.

    Death was never meant to be Sarah. I know you know that. It is the result of the fall. The longer I live the more I realize just how incredibly UNNATURAL death is! It's why our spirit cries out and feels such anguish when it occurs. But our Lord has the victory over death Sarah. I know your in the middle. And I know my words don't mean much. But, at the bottom of it, remember, hang on to the victory of our Lord, Conner's Lord. I will one day meet your Connerman! How awesome is that? Jesus has secured it, conquered death and the grave, paid the penalty. It will be made right. HE will make it right. Your hope is in Him. Ugh, I know how empty these words can be and how you probably rage at them sometimes. How can WE understand? We can't. But, my HOPE is in the same place yours is Sarah. In the SAME LORD. You, my sister in Christ, are in the same Hands as Conner and myself. In HIS hands.

    Kiss those babies sleeping soundly in their beds. Breathe them in.

    I will be praying for you all Sarah.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sarah,
    I found your blog after losing a friend to CF and wanting to read more about people fighting this daily battle. I did not have the joy of knowing your sweet Conner, but please know that my heart goes out to you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sara,

    I came across your blog just out of the blue, not searching for anyone or anything. I've been following you for some time. As a complete stranger and not being in a situation as yours or those who have also commented I honestly could not imagine what having a child that is or was this ill is like. I'm a mother of two boys. The closests I have come to this experience is losing my father 3 1/2 years ago. We were extremely close and getting the phone call in the middle of the night and hearing the words "he's gone" didn't register. For the past 3 1/2 years, it still doesn't register sometimes. The first year was the most unbareable. Everyone told me that I need to move forward, it will get better, time heals everything. I would get so mad at them for saying that to me.....why do I have to move on, no it doesn't get better, and over time it does get worse....you long to hear that voice more, the images slowly fade, not feeling the touch of that person is unbareable forever. I was a walking zombie for many months. I was pissed, depressed, walked around with a constant need to vomit, shut myself off from everyone cause in my mind they couldn't possibly understand what I was going through.....they couldn't feel the sharp knife slicing into my heart every second of the day, or the intense knots in my gut that I would get to every song, tv show, quote, picture, food, resturant, or the simple glimpse of him in someone else that reminded me of him or our life together.

    My point on me commenting to you is....don't you ever hold it in, this was your son, your angel, a piece of you that is gone. Nothing will ever fill that void in your heart, and nothing ever should. That's his place. When you want to scream...scream, buckle over and cry, get mad, keep the pictures around, leave the car seat there, leave his tooth brush there, curl up when you need to.......this is natural, and if you do hold it in...it will forever eat you up. These words may definitely seem empty as she says above, like i said before...I felt the same way and sometimes still do. How can anyone know exactly what you are going through or feel the same pain and emptiness that you do, we don't...not exactly like you do. But please know...as a stranger to you and your world, you are not completely alone, Conner is ALWAYS with you, your other children are with you, your husband is with you, and your God is with you. I will forever be praying for you and your family.

    Someday...smiling won't hurt, and laughing will feel good again. But take your time to get there. Take all the time in the world to get there.

    Sincerely,

    LaRonda

    ReplyDelete

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