stop it stop it stop it…..
every single day is getting harder.
harder to breathe
harder to sleep
harder to concentrate
harder to think of that day, the most horrible day in my life
harder to concentrate
harder to sit still
harder to drive
harder to not cry
harder to not get mad
why am i in so much pain
why do i feel so alone
are people afraid of me
do i look like i’m gonna bite
why am i left to try to figure out who my friends are
people say they are, but then why am i sitting here alone
i don’t get it
i should probably mention this…i’m not mad at anyone…i’m just pissed off…even if people were beating down my door i’d still be sad and lonely.
my son is gone.
how can that be
why is everything becoming more difficult
i have pictures of him all over the house
i smell him
i feel him
i have tv shows that used to drive me crazy that conner saved on my dvr and i can’t bring myself to delete them…but because we need to save money mr cable man is coming tomorrow and taking our dvr and replacing it with a different one…so guess what…those shows will be gone
each and everyday i’m losing yet another piece of conner…not him in the flesh cus ya i realize he’s gone…but his laundry is no longer there for me to care for, his placemat is no longer at our dinner table, the chair is empty, his toothbrush is still in the holder, but my cupboards are full of applesauce that he used for his medicine, my med cupboard is bare, his booster seat sits empty in the car, his smell has faded from his bed…
he feels distant
i hate that i go to see him and i’m standing right ontop of him. it pains me that, that is how close we can be now…
it isn’t fair
it isn’t right
my heart is beyond broken it’s shattered
my dreams for him are fading
my brain is so foggy i still hardly know what day it is…i measure time in Thursdays…
tomorrow marks one entire month.
my angels gone. one entire month.
i feel i could vomit at any second
my head is pounding
my body is beyond exhausted
i can’t imagine it getting any better.
why why why
why couldn’t it have been me
why couldnt i save him
i wish i could’ve traded him places…take me…at least i’ve lived 30 years…7 isn’t even really living yet…
each time i see a picture i instantly think of where we were in that photo and the memories of that day and its THEN that i realize he’s gone…all this empty time hasn’t truly sunk in yet because i’ve been keeping myself so busy…so busy
my kids went to gramma and grampas today and she asked if they had any meds and i just started laughing…uh ya just allergy meds if they need it… to me thats simply crazy
i look back at some of the last pictures we have of conner…the poor angel. i can’t believe how tired and horrible he looked as i’m sure he felt. i can’t believe i didn’t see it all happening….i knew where we were headed but man it happened so quickly.
back to school stuff in the store makes me wanna puke.
no 2nd grade
i’m so broken.
so over this
conner baby…keep walking with me, keep holding my hand…stay with me…i can’t do this w/o you baby