My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, September 9, 2010

You’re so vain I betcha think this blog is about YOU…

don’t you???

hee hee hee that made me laugh…but more than that…this blog is about you.

the one who claims this blog is always about her…this time my dear SA it is for you.

and only for you.

I love you.

I love your family.

I feel honored to have been there when D was diagnosed a year and a half ago. I’ve felt honored to walk that path with your family. Honored.

I feel so glad that I’ve been allowed to watch C grow up. From this little boy, well not little i guess, but toddler, into this inquisitive boy who loves to talk about human nature, hold food in his cheeks like a squirrel and introduce me to the world of Yo gabba gabba. love him.

and p.

well there are no words adequate. i was there to watch her grow and progress and break down each barrier that the progress center and other organizations put in front of her. i just knew she was a fireball. with an amazing spirit. and she loved me…and i love how she loved me…i hope she still will.

i was there when your family was torn apart at war. I WAS THERE. i was there to pick u back up, raise your head and spirits, watch your kids, be your number one chearleader although we BOTH knew i had no spirit fingers…i was honored to be considered a best friend. i was honored that J trusted me while he was half a world away fighting for our freedoms. brad and i considered it the least we could do for your family…although i always felt it could never be said enough or shown enough…we love you. we honor your friendships and we cherish your family as an extension of our own.

love.

the words that you’ve spoken crushed me at a time when i felt like you should’ve been there for me. no matter what. i never expected everyone to be friends with everyone, i have many different groups of friends as well as most people i know. and i was stunned by how insecure you became and how you grew to resent our friendship. i am crushed that you let the enemy pierce your heart and more so that you would turn on me.

i am not perfect.

i never once claimed to be. i’m not a perfect mom or christian, or heck not even a perfect human being…we are all faulty.

that is how we are made.

but we are also taught and it’s gods greatest hope that in times when we feel our worst or the enemy is attacking our spirit, it’s THEN when we’re to lean on god and really focus on Him..and to not let the enemy determine our paths born out of lies.

i’m so broken that you let him win.

you chose to let him get between you and me.

our families.

the words you are speaking against me to almost complete strangers are tragic, slanderous, and pure evil. but my heart deep down believes that you know just as well as i do that you’re hurt. deeply hurt. and never gave me, nor god the chance to go in and try to fix it. you chose the easy way out…to walk away, claiming to not care, to heap coals on my head and slander mine and my husbands name to anyone who will listen.

but my dear we all know better.

we know you’re hurting.

we know that the pain youre feeling out of jealousy, anger, fear, all of it…

and my heart hurts for you. it truly does.

i’m devestated by your actions and harsh words and your attempts to divide brad and my marriage.

i pray you will stop.

i pray your heart will soften to really let god in. to really let him love you the way that no human being ever could. i pray for peace in your soul and your home and in the lives of your children. i pray for your circumstances whatever they may be. i pray for you.

because i love you.

and while i wish i could close my heart sometimes when it’s been crushed over and over again i simply cannot.

so i pray for you.

for me.

for us.

for this horrible circumstance.

and i pray that you find a true love relationship with Him so you can show the enemy the way out the door…

to not let him divide yet another friendship because thats the easy way out…it’s happened with you over and over again…

my head will never come out of this “fog” this is my life, and you can’t imagine the pain nor the burden i bare.

my husband is not having an affair, and there are no rumors going around about that except for the ones coming out of your mouth.

the fact that you would bring up my having to supplement my income because of the loss of my dear son is just shattering to me.

you of all people know my story.

you know of our struggles.

remember toy soldier bazarre…i thought you got it?

this was never something i was hiding…but speaking it out about town the way you do/have is so painful for me.

your laundry is not mine to air.

your deepest concerns, worries, and pains are just those…your own.

speaking to you now in the only way i know you will listen to i beg of you to stop.

i don’t beg of you to still be friends with me.

you don’t owe me a thing, and i owe you not one thing either…

leave me alone. leave my marriage alone. leave my family alone.

and please…

please

let my son rest in peace.

15 comments:

  1. It is so sad when a person goes through what you and your husband are going through, and you have to have great "friends" such as the one you speak of. I am not a person of God, I do not attend church on a regular basis, but I do believe that He is somewhere watching over us and helping us with the choices that we make. I also believe in allowing people to have their own lives and to have their own personal business; personal business that does not need to be spread out in public.

    I am so sorry that your "friend" has decided to make the decisions that he or she has.

    Love and friendship from the East Coast!

    Jenn

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  2. You my dear are under attack because the enemy knows you are just inches away from living an even greater life to the glory of God. He knows the trouble you will cause for him and the people that are turning their lives back to God because of your willingness to serve. Oh yes, he knows. Continue on my darling girl to push through and keep on doing the next right thing according to what our God is telling you! He is the best guide to get you through the obstacles. I am so proud of you and I'm praying for you and your family. Love, love, love..........

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  3. Sending prayers along with yours for God to strengthen you and your family against any attack and love to the people that attack you

    May you beautiful family have only blessings rained down upon you

    Luv Deb
    Mum to Jalan nearly 5 with CF in Gowrie Junction
    Australia

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  4. Oh Sarah, I've read your blog for a while and your posts makes my heart hurt for you. I can't imagine what you are going through, but to have people start gossip is just despicable. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this along with your own pain. I just want you to know I think and pray for you and your family everyday. I will also pray for the person that is causing you such unnecessary hurt, they need God in their life. Love to You and your family.

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  5. I will never understand the logic behind kicking someone while they're down. It makes no sense to me. I hope the person that you are talking to through your blog realizes they need to stop and lets you and your husband be. Messing with ppl's marriages is ridiculous and cruel. At least you know that what this person is saying isn't true and can just leave them out of your life. =D

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  6. Sarah, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this pure evil. You amaze me at your grace in this circumstance. You are much bigger than I and God certainly has your hand in this. To SA please stop. Stop all of it. The pain you are causing is tremendous. And don't include Sarah's other friends in accusations/rumors you yourself are creating. I'll pray for you as well. For God's grace as I won't let evil (satan) win this one.

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  7. praying for you. you are wise and strong. :)

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  8. Sarah - This post shows your class and grace in the face of extreme duress and pain. Most people would have gotten dirty and aired laundry regardless of their right to do so. You are amazing and wonderful and deserve friends who will treat you as the gift you are. I wish the best in this situation for you and yours. <3

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  9. Much love sweet Sarah. I've said it before, and I will continue to say it. I am so very sorry. I wish there was something more I could do for you. I am, have been, and will continue to pray for you, and your family

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  10. My dear. You are such an amazing woman. How I love your strength. I will pray for her as well, because it is apparent that is what she needs. Keep the Faith my dear. I pray for your family daily!

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  11. I am crushed FOR YOU, Sarah, to read these words. You always hear that people show their true colors when death is present. Amazing to me how apparently true that is. This person is not a "friend" to you. I pray that God will soften her heart; at least enough to prey on someone who hasn't just gone through life's most unbearable thought and had it come true. This is ridiculous and I am SO sorry someone is doing this to you.

    Also, I've never understand this about affair gossip (not your specific situation, just in general) -- why would ANYONE feel it their place to "call out" someone else's husband anyway?! Made much worse by the fact that clearly you and your husband are being slandered. But what if it weren't you and Brad, what if was someone else and it was true? SO WHAT!!!!!!! It is not anyone's business to butt into anyone else's marriage. That is like kicking someone when they are down. I hope this person disappears from your life quickly. Anything less is just toxic to the sweetest person I've ever met (online:)


    LOVE LOVE LOVE ~ ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS
    Julie Ball

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  12. As soon as you wrote that SA's husband was in the military I cringed because I knew where your story was going and how it would end. My husband was active duty for 10 years in the AF and during those 10 years, I witnessed such gossiping, malicious rumors and the like that it was horrifying. After just one year of my husband being in the military, we stopped going to all military get-togethers because all they would turn out to be was fests of nasty rumors and such. I always felt I was lucky because my husband was/is my best friend so I really had no need for those women and their families. All the places where we lived, we would buy a house in the least likely place where another military person might live. We wanted nothing to do with the military or it's people, other than it was my husbands job. Ironically, when we decided to get out of active duty, we moved to a very nice community that only had a few houses when we moved here. Over the years, houses have been built and many military members have moved in. Wouldn't you know that is when rumors, gossiping about families and all that kind of stuff happened. My husband and I have tried to understand the mindset of the military family and why this happens. I think it is because military families are used to moving around alot so if they set a "fire", they aren't around long enough to see the blaze and the messy aftermath. I also believe that many military spouses are unhappy, for whatever reason, and try to spread that unhappiness so that it makes them feel better. They are great at take, take, taking but not so good at give, give, giving....especially when the attention isn't on them. My guess is that SA was jealous (as sick as that sounds) of you getting so much attention about Conner and didn't know how to deal with that so she resorted to talking about you. She is jealous of what an excellent husband you have and wanted to discredit him and you by spreading lies about him cheating on you. AND since the attention wasn't on her (her husband being gone overseas, you alluded to a sick child, etc...), she had to bring the attention back to her...what better way of doing that then having some juicy piece of negative news about you and your family. Made her feel important and special. Pehaps even, she picked you as a friend (and I am only guessing here) because of Conner's illness and wanted some of the limelight that comes from knowing someone who is sick.

    Sarah, be glad you are rid of her. She is no friend of yours. You are doing the right thing...calling her out on her behaviour, highlighting all that you did for her and moving on. She will NOT change. People who really know you and your family will not believe her. They might not be strong or vocal enough to challenge her in person, but they will not think that what she says is the truth.

    Shame on you, SA, for causing this family more grief. What comes around, goes around and you will be the one who suffers in the end (for not having Sarah as a friend).

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  13. I am deeply sorry, it ammazes me to see the depravity that people will reduce themselves to, and allowing the devil to guide them, instead of seeking the path of God. In their self righteousness and superiority they are only feeding the devils' appetite for hatred and disharmony among Gods' children, which is his goal daily. I am sorry that someone you have loved and shared a bond with, could turn on you so easily, it truly breaks my heart. "Bad association spoils useful habits", I have been taught this since I can remember, and it's true. You are better off without this person in your life, as heartbreaking as it may be, in the end you'll agree. I don't know who SA is, but I truly pray that they see the error of their ways and cease in continuing down the path of destruction that can only lead to one thing. I pray they have the strength to see your love for what it was and pray God for forgivness of their grievances, and just maybe be allowed to be called 'Friend' again. For anyone that continues to carry on in this way can never truly be a friend... to anyone.
    I have only known you for a short time, but from what I know I would never believe such malicious lies. I am sorry for the BS that some are raining down on you, please never let it break you or disrupt your faith. The devil is constantly at work, for he knows his time is near and he will do everything in his power to corrupt as many as he can.
    Love, love, love...always, always, always!!!

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  14. OMG, you poor women. You do not need someone like that around you. Surround yourself with positive people. You have shown such grace.. Keep your head up high, my friend : )

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  15. I just wanted to post this verse for all of us who read this blog to remember.
    Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; Luke 6:37
    I just think its easy to read about something from afar and place judgement. Remember that people, children of God, are involved and they do not need our hate. Please send love to ALL involved or send nothing at all. Your hate or condemnation helps no one. Just a little something that was weighing on my heart.

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