My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ahhh it's over.


Please don't get me wrong. Usually I love mothers day. The weather today was beautiful, and I got to sleep in til 9:30am...it started so perfectly. My husband put the kids in matching outfits and they looked so adorable. Melted my heart. We went to Starbucks and they gave me a venti instead of my usual grande for free since I'm a momma they know and love (guess it pays to go there alot eh?) Then we headed to church.

Thats where the good day ended. No specifics even needed. I just felt broken. Have you been there? See all of this, I know I've mentioned before waxes and wanes...comes and goes. One second I'm feeling good and in control of my emotions then WHAM! a second later my world is caving in and it's everything I can do just to keep from crying. I can not recall a day where I've been this emotional, EVER. They prayed for Conner man, it's the first time he's been in so long since he's so fragile. so it's the first time in awhile they've seen him. and he now looks so frail and so tired of his fight. i just felt devestated. Like for the first time, others could genuinely see the difference because they don't see him day to day...and i was overwhelmed. I couldn't keep from crying during worship...we left church, did some mothers day stuff and i just could never really recover from that. Brad made bbq hamburgers, and then I grabbed my ipod and walked the lake a time and a half...so a little over 4 miles and each and every breath I breathed in was a struggle. not to breathe...but to keep from just busting out crying. I've never felt his way before.

I believe in Gods plan for our lives....I pray for Conner to have a long life, but I have to allow myself to be honest and realistic. I thank you all for your upbeat words and on normal days they get me thru.

But not today.

Probably not tomorrow.

He's dyeing. In front of my eyes, each day he wakes up weaker. His eyes are darker. his breathing a bit harder than the day before. and today it was simply too much to take. mothers day. for the first time today i think i really felt like i wished God would take me. Take me first. Because if this is the despair I feel already and my son is still alive, then I can only imagine how I will feel when God calls him home. and i simply can't handle that. i know i can't. because today proved how unprepared i truly am for all of this. losing a child is the most devestaingly painful, heartwrenching, blindly numbing pain that anyone in life can experience, and this i know for sure. and i have yet to even fully experience that. i've only delved into a few layers...not the whole pain. so i know for sure, that losing a mother, a brother, a grandparent or even a spouse simply can not compare. and i am scared to death to fully experience this pain. scared. to. death.

today leaves me so open.

so raw.

and so vulnerable.

with so many questions now to find answers for.

but more than anything I wish God would take me first. How parents get thru and survive losing a child is simply miraculous to me. I look up to them, to you reading this, so much. Because i honestly don't know if i can. but more than that, i don't want to. really. from the depth of my soul i don't want my son to die. i know i can't handle it.

my eyes are so heavy from the tears. my throat hurts from swallowing back the tears all day long. my stomach is flipping all around today. my heart is simply broken.

b

r

o

k

e

n


and I don't know if i'll ever be whole again after today. the first of many, i'm sure horrible days. so happy mothers day to all of you wonderful mommas out there with kids sick, healthy and in between the two. count your healthy days as blessings as i do...and to you mommas out there whose child has already lost that battle and is no longer alive to hold. i am so, so deeply and terribly sorry for your loss. words are of no comfort to you for this i know for sure. i pray for you each and every night for your strength, and for your broken heart to once again become whole. i wont pretend one moment that i know exactly how you feel, because i do not. not even close i'm sure. but this pain that i'm feeling today. right now. in this exact moment is so desperatley intense that i can imagine the pain you feel is just a thousand times greater than that. i am just so, so sorry for your loss. no mother should ever feel those feelings. no mother should have to go w/o hugging their loved ones tight and kissing them in the flesh...i too, know you will see them again when it is your time...but for now, until it is your time, i will pray for your strength and your brokeness every single time i pray.

tomorrow will be a new day.

and so for that...i am overwhelmingly greatful.

goodnight.

17 comments:

  1. Oh Sarah...I am so sorry. God's grace and love will carry you and your family through all the hard, bleak days and moments just as they carried you through the joyful times.

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  2. There are no words. None at all. Only God could have known that you would endure this nightmare. Only God Himself.

    xo
    k.

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  3. I will keep praying for you...it's all I can offer.

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  4. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I thank you for your honesty in your posts. I happened upon your blog and I look at it every day now. My prayers are with you and your entire family. God will see you through, but I know it still hurts. Your family is fortunate to have you.

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  5. my heart is breaking for you and your family while I read your blog. and somewhere deep inside me I know it will be me one day going through this awful ordeal no matter what medicines they come up with I don't think it will ever be enough. I have lost my niece to this horrible disease and now my own daughter nine is going through the same thing, medicine a little different but that's it. same result. I cherish every moment with my daughter you have taught me that much. I will be keeping you and your family and your beautiful son Conner in my prayers. be strong.

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  6. Sarah



    ((((((((HUGS)))))))) I will keep praying for you and your family!!!!!!

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  7. praying and praying, that is all I can do....

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  8. I can't imagine what you're going through, truly.
    But, you have to remember you have two other wonderful children too that need you very, very much. You will survive and you will smile again. Hugs.

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  9. I found your blog while reading a friends who asked her friends to pray for your son. I just wanted to let you know that I am praying and will continue to pray.

    ~Christine

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  10. Sarah, I am so sorry for your pain....I too cannot imagine what you are going through. I know that you trust in the Lord and you know that he holds the future of you family in his hands, but that doesn't make the pain any less. You are allowed to feel exactly how you are feeling, and I applaud you for expressing them.
    I will be praying for you, your family and for precious Conner. I will be praying that God will send his Holy Spirit to comfort you.

    Love and Prayers,
    Donna (mom of Brianna 8 w/CF)

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  11. Sarah, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. I know it won't help much. I will always be here for you in anyway. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  12. I cannot imagine how you are dealing with all of this. I just know that my heart breaks for you and Conner. I wish CF never existed. Your family is in my prayers.

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  13. CF sucks! It's relentless and like a huge, big, black cloud is always there ready to blow up. I have to tell you that my daughter requested to wear red at our CF Great Strides Walk, we all did. We walked in Conner's honor. I also want to let you know that many of us are holding you in our arms. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I can't..only time can do that...and your kiddos...

    Anna mom of Luisa 16 wcf

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  14. This seems a lot like my day. I know we are going through different things. I just feel like the last 19 months, so many surgeries...being 19 years old when it all happened...now here i was on mothers day stuck in the hospital and just looking at her like wow...we have made it this far, and i want to spend the rest of my mothers days with you. but then the cf hit me, and i remembered how it just gets worse, and i was a horrible day. i can relate, but i cant relate to the severity that you are at. and i am sorry, because i wish i could be there, by your side...dealing with the same thing. because i know, when i am dealing with things with skye...like when skye was very close to death when she was first born and rushed into surgery it would of been SO much better if i had someone with me...to walk iwth me. talk with me...that was going through the same thing.
    But really, we think baout you all the time. not just me, but skye too. she fell asleep in the ambulance today holding connors red balloon, i took a picture and ill get it up on here soon. you are always on our minds :) we love you, all of you!

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  15. I can't begin to understand what you're going through. It breaks my heart for you and your family because this is just not the way of things. I just hope that you know that it is OK to be that sad and to feel the way you do. I don't know if it helps to hear that, especially from a stranger. Even reading this entry I am amazed by your strength, bravery and honesty. It is so brave to admit how sad you are and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just remember that all you can do is take it one day at a time. That is all anyone can do. I know people say that all the time and its a bit cliche, but I hope that hearing this helps. I am praying for you, your son and your family.

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  16. I can relate to where you are. We have been faced with more immediate threats to my son's life several times now... including the past couple of days. Every time he's in the hospital and they don't know what is going on with him, I'm faced with his mortality again... faced with the fact that he might not make it through this, and as Kayla said, that CF will likely take him much sooner than it should. My mothers' day last year was spent in the hospital, wondering if he was going to live or die from his intestinal issues. Issues that have led to 5 surgeries, not including the 4 central line placements or the laperoscopies and the 16 hospital stays.

    And though he was not in the hospital for this year's mothers day, I went to church but couldn't bear to watch the baby dedication. We missed it last year and this year he's been basically in quarantine to keep from getting sicker- so we couldn't do it this year either. I went to church alone.

    At times I want to be mad at God, but then I realize that we were put in this situation for a reason. For what reason, I do not know, but I try to hold on to the fact that whether Zeke lives or dies, his life will not have been in vain. I know he's made an impact on people in our lives and our situation has allowed me to give hope to other mothers in similar situations.

    I know this is so hard. I've cried 4 times today already and it's not even 9 a.m. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you right now. Just know that love and prayers are coming your way.

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