My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The color of panic AND love

I was about 11 or so weeks into my pregnancy when it happened.

I woke up one morning in December, it was probably 3am and I felt off. As I began to wake up more and more, I realized that I was wet. In my half awakeness, I stumbled to the bathroom for the usual potty break, but to my horror all I saw was blood.

lots and lots of blood.

I had to change even my pajama pants, I was drenched.

I was freaking out.

I got back to bed and realized the sheets were soaked as well, this I knew was not good. it wasn’t just spotting.

I instantly started to let my mind roll to wherever it wanted to go, which wasn’t a good idea, because all it wanted to do was send me into a frenzy. after an hour, I calmed myself enough to pray. and thank God I learned to just listen…all I got out was “I don’t even know where to begin…” and just as swiftly and calm as ever I heard “let me do my miracle…”

wow. ok.

I began to calm a bit more, and I realized I wasn’t cramping, I wasn’t in any pain, so maybe…for whatever reason…I should just relax and trust.

I got up the next morning, told Brad what happened the night before ( I didn’t get much more sleep, I tried…)and I called the dr as soon as the clinic opened. they had me go in for an ultrasound.

I was still bleeding heavily.

the baby looked great, strong heartbeat, no sign of any miscarriage.

the dr called about 20 minutes afterwards and said that they saw a tear in me probably when the pregnancy “attached” inside my uterus. I was to be in bed until the bleeding slowed and turned to spotting. and to really just take it easy.

two days later, after laying in bed I felt good to get out a bit. it was the week before Christmas and I had a few last gifts for the boys to get, I still wasn’t cramping and the blood had turned to spotting.

I was out of my house for I’d say 2.5 hours….

then I felt it again.

it’s just a horrible feeling really.

blood when you know you shouldn’t be bleeding…

I rushed home and went back to my bed. but it got heavier. and heavier. big clots…bright red. I got up awhile later to go to the bathroom and I was horrified…it was just blood. I started to panic again…I kept thinking…”why is this happening…why are we to go thru this…what would it do to us to lose another child…” and God just replied to trust Him to do His miracle.

We wound up in the ER that night because the blood was so heavy…they did another ultrasound and the baby continued to look great and strong…so I went home and stayed in bed until just before christmas.

I went to see my dr every week thru mid january, and the bleeding eventually turned to spotting, and then in late january, completely went away.

I had my midway ultrasound on February 6th and when I saw the dr the next day she said theres still a large clot that will either pass while I’m still pregnant, or during/after delivery. but that the placenta is fully attached and my pregnancy was once again considered healthy and on track!

words to soothe my fragile soul…

this is the main reason we didn’t tell sooner of the pregnancy, I wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out.

and for now I feel great…tired, and a bit achy…but it’s par for the course…AND…it truly is a blessing not a complaint. after all isn’t life the most precious thing in the world?

I’m not fully sure of the lesson we were to learn from that beyond trusting…and maybe it was for someone elses journey, who only knows…but I’m so thankful that I learned to listen…I chose to believe…and let God do his miracle…

he is soooooo good to us.

Blessings and Love


  1. It is very sad to lose and I pray that the lost seek peace in heaven.But the idea of creating awareness for those suffering is noble and it is help many patients in future.Electronic Medical Records

  2. Yay! I am so excited for you and for your family. God is good!

  3. Sarah and Brad - I am so incredibly happy at your news (so sorry I had not seen it earlier). I will be praying for a safe and easy delivery for you and your family. God Bless you all!

  4. Sarah, you do not know me, but I have been following your blog for quite some time. A friend of mine posted a link to it and ever since then I have been watching as you and your family gain strength to continue your journey without your beloved Conner. I have been checking in every day or two hoping to see a new update about your newest miracle, but have not seen one. I just wanted to let you know that I pray for you and I hope that everything is ok with you and your little girl and you are just so involved and loving life right now that the blog is taking a back seat to the more important things in, love and laughter.





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