My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Monday, February 6, 2012

Part 1…

Long before losing Conner, I would hear from God in the stillness of my heart. I’d be out on a walk, or in my car quiet, or even just before falling asleep, I’d get little words of comfort, or reminders whispered to me, and I always felt they were from God, but part of me always wondered if I had made it all up.

imagined it.

my relationship with Him wasn’t what it is today, it’s been a journey of learning how to trust, be silent, believe even when it doesn’t make any sense, and having faith that He truly has my best interests and desires in mind all the while. Life throws curve balls. that’s the price of living in a broken world. there’s lots thrown in our faces each day to believe in, people to trust, new products to have faith in, and it’s very easy to get trapped in a circle of un-decidedness, or even half hearted trusting.

see, when I would think I would hear God whisper to me, it wasn’t always what I wanted to hear, or even sometimes it wasn’t something believable to me, so I’d tell myself that I simply made that up. how could the God of the universe communicate to me…by truly, hearing voices in my head. it just sounded crazy.

but after losing Conner I made a very conscious effort to listen closer. to trust more. to have an even blinder faith. to never doubt that stirring in my soul that I knew could truly only come from one place.

I wasn’t hearing voices…I was experiencing God.

how amazing to finally make peace with that and understand it.

I remember that feeling of becoming a family of 5 minus a beautiful 1…and that held my heart tightly for quite sometime. After all, we knew Conner was part of our family…but many others never would, so it just made sense. visibly we’d be a family of 4 to many, but always a family of 5 to us. my heart broke as it accepted that fact.

I remember god speaking to me one day, he begun reminding me that numbers are just details, that what others who don’t know our circumstance, may count us as family of 4, but it really didn’t matter. he showed me how none of it even mattered eternally, and many families are living without a child or spouse, or parent in their families and in the end…the number doesn’t matter. the heart does. the heart of the family is all that matters.

I knew that Conner would never, nor could ever, be replaced in our lives, and each day I realized how getting caught in the trap of “details” really was causing us to live a life I don’t feel would respect Conner’s legacy, his love. just as I stopped letting Thursdays get to me, I had to let go of family number details. little, by very little I am able to release a “detail” from it’s grip against us. who cares if it’s a Thursday….the 24th day of each month carries no weight any longer, family of 5 minus 1 isn’t our family definition, and little by little we’re able to break away from the chains that hold us so tightly in grief.

and somewhere in all of this…we’re learning how to live again.

fully live again.

dream.

grow.

and break away from the “details” and realize that it doesn’t honor Conner to live a life of bondage to details. his life wasn’t details, it held significance that will never be forgotten, the impact will be felt forever in our hearts.

what a journey this past 5 months has been in growing, in listening, and in dreaming. and by listening to God in the stillness of each possible moment our family found a new hope, and a new joy far beyond what we could have ever imagined, or even desired after Conner’s death.

We’ve been waiting nearly 5 months to share with you all that has been going on in our lives beyond the grief…but there’s just too much to share all at once…and I owe it to God to give him all the glory, one story at a time…so as much as I’m DYEING to tell it all now…I will leave you with just a few pictures…to get the REAL story of learning to listen to God started…I will post soon on how this new joy unfolded, the miracles that have already taken place with it and how Conner’s hand is in it all!

031

WE’RE EXPECTING!!!!!

 

 

Can’t wait to start sharing the stories from the beginning, it’s been so hard to remain quiet, but all good things must come in their perfect time, and God has been in the drivers seat from day one…and good thing too because it’s been a very bumpy ride thus far…

One story I can’t wait to share though…

027a

How we KNEW that Pink is our new blue…God is So good…

 

 

11 comments:

  1. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!

    Sitting at work reading this. I can't believe that I get to be the FIRST to comment on your amazing, life-changing blog. You are such an amazing woman, I can't wait to see what an amazing God-loving woman you raise. She's going to rule the world!

    Take care. So excited you let us share in your journey.

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  2. I hold Conner in my thoughts and heart forever. Your journey has been a long one and Conner is smiling and shading you in his love. Congratulations on the New adventure, another road, another journey and a blessing from above. I wish you all the joy and happiness and am excited for your "PINK" journey. Love and prayers M xxxxx

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  3. Sarah!!! I'm crying tears of joy for you!! I'm so happy for you and the family. Can't wait to hear all the details. God Bless!

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  4. I too am in tears. God is amazing! I can hardly wait to hear the rest . Congratulations! Amanda

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  5. Congratulations! What a blessing, this new little bundle of pink sweetness will be in your lives! Cherish these times, and continue to listen to the Lord, for he is amazing.

    You had a profound realization that I'm sure strikes the heart in many who are missing someone, and you stated it so perfectly - "realize that it doesn’t honor Conner to live a life of bondage to details." How true, that living our lives captive to details and thoughts does not honor such a brave soul. Those words will forever stay with me.

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  6. Congratulations!!!! What a wonderful blessing for such an amazing family!

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  7. tears of absolute joy for your family. Her brothers, here and her angel brother, will be so happy to welcome her!! And especially happy that mommy is no longer the only girl!!
    Your words, as always, are so inspiring and thought provoking. There is no greater way to continue to honor Conner than to live your life the way Conner seemed to live his, full of joy and happiness!

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  8. AAAHHHHH! :) Tears of absolute happiness for you and your family, Sarah. God bless you all, especially the miracle growing in your belly. I love to read your inspiring heartfelt writings. This one brought such a big smile to my face. Can't wait to check for your updaes.

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  9. Congratulations! I am so happy for you and your family, that the Lord has brought you joy.

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  10. Add me to the list of those crying tears of joy. This was definitely what I needed to read this afternoon!

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  11. Sarah, I've been following your blog for a long time. I cried along with you while reading your journey with sweet Connor man, and have kept your family in my prayers. It's been a while since I "checked-in" and I'm SOOOO happy about your wonderful news!! You look beautiful pregnant, by the way.

    Praying for you, always, always, always.

    ReplyDelete

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