Long before losing Conner, I would hear from God in the stillness of my heart. I’d be out on a walk, or in my car quiet, or even just before falling asleep, I’d get little words of comfort, or reminders whispered to me, and I always felt they were from God, but part of me always wondered if I had made it all up.
my relationship with Him wasn’t what it is today, it’s been a journey of learning how to trust, be silent, believe even when it doesn’t make any sense, and having faith that He truly has my best interests and desires in mind all the while. Life throws curve balls. that’s the price of living in a broken world. there’s lots thrown in our faces each day to believe in, people to trust, new products to have faith in, and it’s very easy to get trapped in a circle of un-decidedness, or even half hearted trusting.
see, when I would think I would hear God whisper to me, it wasn’t always what I wanted to hear, or even sometimes it wasn’t something believable to me, so I’d tell myself that I simply made that up. how could the God of the universe communicate to me…by truly, hearing voices in my head. it just sounded crazy.
but after losing Conner I made a very conscious effort to listen closer. to trust more. to have an even blinder faith. to never doubt that stirring in my soul that I knew could truly only come from one place.
I wasn’t hearing voices…I was experiencing God.
how amazing to finally make peace with that and understand it.
I remember that feeling of becoming a family of 5 minus a beautiful 1…and that held my heart tightly for quite sometime. After all, we knew Conner was part of our family…but many others never would, so it just made sense. visibly we’d be a family of 4 to many, but always a family of 5 to us. my heart broke as it accepted that fact.
I remember god speaking to me one day, he begun reminding me that numbers are just details, that what others who don’t know our circumstance, may count us as family of 4, but it really didn’t matter. he showed me how none of it even mattered eternally, and many families are living without a child or spouse, or parent in their families and in the end…the number doesn’t matter. the heart does. the heart of the family is all that matters.
I knew that Conner would never, nor could ever, be replaced in our lives, and each day I realized how getting caught in the trap of “details” really was causing us to live a life I don’t feel would respect Conner’s legacy, his love. just as I stopped letting Thursdays get to me, I had to let go of family number details. little, by very little I am able to release a “detail” from it’s grip against us. who cares if it’s a Thursday….the 24th day of each month carries no weight any longer, family of 5 minus 1 isn’t our family definition, and little by little we’re able to break away from the chains that hold us so tightly in grief.
and somewhere in all of this…we’re learning how to live again.
fully live again.
and break away from the “details” and realize that it doesn’t honor Conner to live a life of bondage to details. his life wasn’t details, it held significance that will never be forgotten, the impact will be felt forever in our hearts.
what a journey this past 5 months has been in growing, in listening, and in dreaming. and by listening to God in the stillness of each possible moment our family found a new hope, and a new joy far beyond what we could have ever imagined, or even desired after Conner’s death.
We’ve been waiting nearly 5 months to share with you all that has been going on in our lives beyond the grief…but there’s just too much to share all at once…and I owe it to God to give him all the glory, one story at a time…so as much as I’m DYEING to tell it all now…I will leave you with just a few pictures…to get the REAL story of learning to listen to God started…I will post soon on how this new joy unfolded, the miracles that have already taken place with it and how Conner’s hand is in it all!
Can’t wait to start sharing the stories from the beginning, it’s been so hard to remain quiet, but all good things must come in their perfect time, and God has been in the drivers seat from day one…and good thing too because it’s been a very bumpy ride thus far…
One story I can’t wait to share though…
How we KNEW that Pink is our new blue…God is So good…