My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

breath by breath…



Well there she is! 25 weeks along with baby #4…and if you didn’t know already, she’s a…well “she!” I think after two ultrasounds both of which there was no male parts flashing us, which quite frankly we’re used to seeing living in a home of all boys and me, and even zooming in on the area in question and both tech’s telling me that it is a girl…I think I finally fully believe it. after the first ultrasound I believed it, and it really just made sense with all that had been going on and all that had been whispered to me in silence, that it would be a girl…but still I’m a mom to boys. I bleed blue, I love dirty, sweaty, stinky adorably rotten boys…so part of me still thought, well the tech could’ve been wrong. I kept thinking, watch I’m gonna think it’s a girl and I’m gonna deliver this beautiful bundle and they’ll say “it’s a boy!”

guess I finally believe it all the way now.

it was fun to see her again last week, she was much more cooperative this ultrasound, gave us some adorable face shots, but this one is my favorite, it almost looks as if she’s smiling…like saying hello…and who couldn’t’ love those chubby cheeks?!

This ultrasound was done not just to take the normal measurements as we did in February at the 18 week one, but to start watching for “soft signs” for CF…like build up in GI or any “bright areas” my OB says. I’m not very knowledgeable in this area, because as with my pregnancy with Bradyn, I refused extra testing for CF. I know my risks, and lord knows I know all about CF already, so for me it was just an ultrasound to see the baby again, although my Dr wanted this ultrasound maybe to feel better herself…who knows. I won’t refuse a chance to see her so I agreed, and if my OB decides she’d like another one a little closer to delivery to check stuff again, that’s fine. I just know that nothing they could ever find on an ultrasound would lead me any other direction than having this baby.

Not much else new to report as far as baby goes, I’m almost to the third trimester already, it’s all just blown by so quickly it seems, but I know all too soon it’ll start to drag on forever and ever as I grow more and more uncomfortable and more and more impatient to meet the baby, so I’m trying to just relax and enjoy it. Hunters beyond thrilled, he even calls the baby Hannah, which I find funny because we haven’t picked out or really even started talking much about names yet. he says theres a girl in his class or at his school with the name Hannah and he thinks it’s cute, so he started saying “I can’t wait til my sister Hannah is here!” so funny…not much of a Hannah girl myself…but it’s cute none-the-less.

And here it is now almost April…moving into the season that I dread. it holds such heartache for me, as I’m sure for Brad and the boys too. That’s when it all flashes back…the memories of planning Conner’s last birthday in April, getting a playground for our backyard so conner could try to enjoy the time outdoors with his oxygen since the park was no longer an option, the phone conversations with the doctors in the CF clinic and the social worker, asking me all sorts of questions…meetings with hospice…its all so real when spring comes. he should be here. there should be three little brothers running and laughing in the backyard when the suns out, or yelling and fighting together about legos when they’re stuck inside from rain. there should be current pictures of Conner in our home, not ones from two years ago. I should be planning an actual birthday party, and not brainstorming with Hunter how to celebrate a birthday in heaven. (although he has the BEST idea for this year!!!) and it’s nearly impossible to celebrate my birthday just three days before his because my heart is so heavy. it’s like each and everyday from april thru the 4th of july holds a special memory, not a good one…one of pain and I have to face it each day and feel the pain. there’s no way around it. if I try to shove the feelings aside it makes it worse. learned that the hard way so I don’t do that anymore! but it’s strange how it’s nearly been two years and each one of these spring days I can remember vividly the day, the smell, everything. how he was feeling, who was with us, all of it. It hurts to think of it all, how real it all becomes this time of the year…how much has changed, and will never be the same again, no matter how much time passes. I miss his face. I miss his beautifully squishy tummy, I miss his gentleness, his compassion, and his bravery. I miss when he’d yell at me for telling him to go to bed, or getting him out of the tub while he was still playing (we’d laugh when I’d say you’ll get wrinkly like a prune….because of course he was already wrinkly!) I miss laying next to him and hearing the sound of his breath and heartbeat, his little fast asleep whimpers. these are things I’ll never get back. and the little things are what I miss the most. doing his laundry, cleaning all his nebs out, making his meals, praying for him…being his mother. I miss it terribly.

I’m sad that his sister wont know him like we know him, or get to really love him like we love him. oneday she will get to meet him and I know will fall in love as we did and she will cherish him like we do, but I know that while on earth, even the best stories we could tell of his kindness and love could never hold a candle to the real him that she will get to meet oneday in heaven. I know just as he does with us he will be the best big brother and protect her from great distances and he’ll walk with her very closely, and I don’t doubt that she’ll be able to feel his love and presence just as we can…and for now that’ll have to do. words could never describe Conner in a way to do him justice, not that he was perfect, because he wasn’t, not because he was the kindest person to ever walk the earth, because he wasn’t, but simply because he was Conner. and the very best “he”, that he could be. perfectly him.

who knows where this next spring will take me as far as healing, joy, pain or all of the above simultaneously, I’ve just learned to be kind to myself and take it one day at a time…even just one hour at a time. and to cry when I need to cry. and to smile when I feel like smiling. and with this blessing of a baby waiting to see the world thru our eyes…all I can do is pray that I continue to let god do his work in my life so that I can be the best mom that I can be to all 4 of my kids, and the best wife to my husband of eleven years, and to let god do the rest. I know I can’t do it all, honestly I can’t even do half of what I need to do in a day without Gods help…

and as we head into our Spring break and prepare to take our kiddos to the zoo just as we did with Conner two years ago…I better take it just one breath at a time…

blessings and LOVE…

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  1. I'm sure Conner told your baby girl all about you and your family, how she is going to have the best mom ever, and the best brothers ever.

    That's really cute about Hunter.


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