I hate days like today when I can feel the void of his presence. I hate when I just sit and I know he’s gone. Feels like forever, yet feels like just yesterday at the same time. old pictures and old videos is all I have remaining that I can hold onto when I have days like these. I look at my counters and how bare they are. they used to be stacked high of medications, vials, IV flushes, alcohol wipes, nebulizers air drying…but no longer. I keep finding remnants of the life I once lived scattered in random places. I found an inhaler and his spare MICKEY button for his Gtube. I found syringes. An over abundance of liquid ibuprofen in our cupboards because of his high fevers his last few living months.
but what I really want?
to hold him. just to feel him. touch him, smell him, kiss him, and never let him go. to see again that goofy half missing tooth, half HUGE tooth smile that melted my heart. to hear his sweet voice, and to watch him light up when his baby B walked in the room with his “squishy cheeks”. to listen to him teach Hunter how to do all things boy…and I would give anything to hear 3 kids fighting over random, meaningless toys instead of just 2. the silence is the killer.
one year doesn’t really mean anything in grieving. it just means that I’m used to the ache. the constant mind-wandering, the constant…reminders that oh yes, infact, he is gone. it means we made it thru the holidays in one piece and we survived D-Day as best we could. but the pain…stays the same. hunter…my sweet middle child Hunter was not meant to be the biggest brother. it’s been a huge transition to be the big boy in the car, teaching B how to say different words, and all that goes along with being nearly 3. and it just breaks my heart that B will never know the Conner we adored. The Conner that causes Hunter sadness so often. “why did he have to die mommy…” uh…I can’t explain how my heart rips into even thinner shreds each time Hunter asks me that question, or cries for his brother.
there is purpose…and I have faith that there is…but pain…I’m just tired of hurting. God has extended me farther this past year then I could’ve ever imagined. he’s provided amazing support for our family and positive people to be there when we need to be built back up. For those blessings I am thankful indeed.
we’re heading into vacation without him. everything is now without…
I hate being without…
it’s the hardest chore ever to try to learn to feel whole again…all the while knowing I never truly will this side of heaven…I’m a mother without.
Love Love Love