What in the world is the big deal?????
Why today of all days to notice something that I hadn’t noticed before…or maybe I have, I can’t recall…
5 toothbrushes remain in our holder….
today it just got to me.
there’s only 4 living in this home.
one is no longer present.
but his toothbrush is.
I’m getting one child back to school clothes to go to elementary school…
there’s supposed to be two going to elementary together…
but there’s only one.
none of this gets much easier.
time definitely doesn’t, couldn’t possibly heal all wounds.
the pain remains.
a dull, nagging…that’s always there kind of pain.
not much else really matters sometimes.
but for some reason today while I was getting ready in the bathroom…he flooded my mind. and the tears came.
over a dumb toothbrush.
well not the toothbrush itself but what it represented…or lack there of I guess.
I’m tired of visiting a cemetary just to try to make sense of why I can’t see him anymore. I know he’s not there…but it’s all I have. it’s the last place I left him. I hate it. I hate when it rains and I feel the need to shelter his stone from the cold. why? I hate that sometimes I have nightmares of how his body looks now. it’s horrible. I hate that I feel like this. the more I read though, the more I realize how not alone I am in this. there are many moms and dads struggling to cope with the worst loss imaginable. I just hate sometimes just how much I miss him. the pain of it can be crippling.
the constant thoughts.
mind wandering.
exhaustion.
sadness.
then some joy.
some smiles.
some really good days.
then LIKE A TON OF BRICKS…
BAM.
the sadness.
the pain.
the numbness.
the headache and pounding of an anxious heart.
I hate hearing Hunters sadness over losing his best friend. “why did he have to die?” how scary for a very imaginative 5 year old boy. he knows his brothers gone…so now he won’t barely let us leave his sight, he’s scared to death that he could wake up again just like last June, only this time myself or Brad will be gone. he’s only 5. he suffers so…
Last week I had to get a photo of Conner for a friend to her. I was so devestated how far back in my pictures I had to go to get one of him. He’s not taking any new pictures. he’s gone. I have files and files of “family” photo’s, only he’s not in them.
they’re incomplete.
Hunter and Bradyn are growing up. and he never will. with us.
There sweet faces make me so thankful to have them here with me. and you can only imagine how much we love on them. I think they’re the most well loved kids I’ve ever met. because we know just how tomorrow could turn out. no guarantees. so we smother our kids with kindness, time and love. hugs and kisses. tickle tortures and dancing. pb&j for breakfast…and sometimes even lunch and dinner. we run thru the sprinkler together, sidewalk chalk together, ride bikes, read books, play at the park, go to the library and even plant in Conner’s garden together. almost always holding hands and always kisses…I’m lucky to have them.
who would’ve thought…a simple, stupid toothbrush could hold so many memories…
I miss him so much.
love love love
