Today marked the first time I’ve stepped foot in one of those places in…well probably around 19 months…it all came right back. the smells, the beeping, the hussle and bussle, everything. it caused me to remember so much of a life that I was forced to leave behind. medication routines, hell even names of those 17 medications and their dosages. in my past life that info rattled out of my mouth without thinking…but I’m so far removed from that world..that old me that it shocked me tonight just how much I’d forgotten…well until it came back to me. the beeping…oh lord the beeping. the waiting. the wondering. the feeling that time stands still in those walls. it’s truly a world all it’s own. and one that used to be mine…but hasn’t been for so long.
I remembered what it was like to be in that fight. to advocate for him. to wait on dr’s, nurses and tests. I loved that life. it’s all I ever knew for 8 years. it made me feel like I could do anything…that my opinion…my hardwork would count for something…when in the end, it would never be enough. I remember sheltering him from pain…protecting him from unnecessary shots, tests and procedures. I remembered the absolute solid LOVE he felt for me and showed me in a single glance. he had my heart. and he trusted me with his.
we were an amazing team.
mother and child.
a love that nothing in this world could ever compare to. a bond that even in death can’t be broken.
yet because of the depth of trust and love, because we spent each moment together in sickness fighting or in health, loving and laughing, it makes the pain of his absense so unbarable so often. I felt needed in a way that I probably never will in my life again. my husband and two living children need me, and others need and count on me as well…but a parent of a terminally ill child understands that is a need of it’s own variety. that is an intense, special, protected and once in a lifetime bond that is too big for words. I needed to fight for him to feel like I had some control over his decline (though I know I didn’t), doing everything for him was my life. my joy. my purpose.
I wish I didn’t have to visit you tonight…but I had to. there was no way of getting around it, and honestly didn’t think twice about it til I got back to a room…
then his life…our life that is no longer ours…all came rushing back to me…
oh how I miss him…