Your last week here…

Well my dear it’s been two years in the making. I feel the need to just write you all the things I’ve been wishing I could tell you these past two years you’ve been gone. gone. that’s a word that used to not carry any meaning to me, gone used to mean temporarily unavailable, but not permanent. like gramma is gone now…but we all knew we’d see her again on her next visit. well my dear you redefined that. gone is forever. gone is breathtaking. gone is permanent. gone is a word that should not be in any parents vocabulary.

it’s the beginning of that week. I hate this week. each day holds a horrible memory. a painful one. a week and a half ago, Hunter had field day at his school just like you did a week and a half before you died. I couldn’t bring myself to go with him this year. maybe next year I’ll be stronger, maybe I won’t. I won’t make any guesses or promises, I’ve learned not to assume a specific time table will bring any relief from pain. I remember taking you to see your first grade friends that last day, how you wanted to play with them but you delighted in watching them play. what a miracle that day was.

what a precious smile you had.

seeing your friends play and laugh brought you such joy, you never did feel sorry for yourself, you just kept doing what your broken body would allow you to do, and you never complained. I honestly can’t say that I’d be able to do the same. your positive attitude always inspired me. so wise for seven years old. I can only hope to grow up to be more like you.

it saddens me to think about this joy you had then only 12 or so days later you were gone.

gone.

how did it all happen so fast? or was I just not paying attention? or in denial? what's crazy is you know all the answers now…and I have to just keep wondering until I get to where you are. so far away…yet just one breath away. how amazingly close and so far away it seems.

I know you can’t be too far because you are constantly sending love to us. I never imagined that part. that makes you seem so close…but I can’t see you. I wonder how you look now, if your still seven, or if you are now 9 like you should be. in my heart I feel like your still the same Conner you were when you left us since you were only seven, but that you still have bdays. I imagine you don’t physically get older, but wiser perhaps. I can hear your voice still not being able to say your r’s…and your sweet voice still so young and innocent. I can only guess for now. because you’re gone.

Bradyn is so big now…he prays for you each night before dinner and before bedtime. but you know that already. I wonder what he remembers of you. when he speaks sometimes I hear you in his voice.

and sometimes I glance at pictures of Hunter and I see you in him.

Hunters wearing your last clothes now. that’s hard to see, yet it brings such joy to Hunter. He is so proud to be your brother, and he loves you madly. that’s a very special bond you two share, I know Hunter cherishes it and he misses you like crazy.

Next week is VBS here, and two years ago you died on the second day of vbs. I just hate this time of the year. every single day until june 30th when we laid you to rest holds pain that can’t be ignored. plus I’m so hormonal these days with the ending of this pregnancy that its even more exaggerated this year. well that and I feel like the second year was far worse than the first one. because the first year gone still means coming back…but not anymore. gone is the greatest curse word now.

a year ago I watched you deteriorate every single day for a week. I saw it but I didn’t accept it. why should I have? it’s not natural. I prayed fervently for your healing, for your miracle…little did I realize your miracle would be to leave. your body could never physically be healed in this world…I just didn’t want you to go…but I didn’t want to see you suffer anymore either…

The pain you carried in your eyes and the exhaustion your body endured that last week broke me into pieces…

damn that disease! it just kills me to see you in such pain. I would’ve given anything to go thru that instead of you.

I had so much more to say…but my heart is so broken right now that my mind is blank. I miss you buddy.

I will leave you with the song that is helping me thru lately…

I love you immensly bubby…and I miss you with every fiber of my being. I’d give anything to just hug you…one more moment.

gone is the cruelest of realities…