Monday marks three long years. How did that happen so quickly…yet how did it drag on SO LONG? I’ve been reflecting this last week on just how far I’ve come and in what areas I still haven’t progressed. I’ve never felt closer to God in my life, and yet there are days where He still seems so distant. I’ve forgotten completely how Conner felt all snuggled up to me in my arms, or even the warmth of his beautiful skin that last day we spent together, holding on and loving each other until he knew it was time to go and that we would be ok. I’ve forgotten his smell entirely. Yet, there are some things a mother will never forget. I can blink my eyes and remember his beautiful smile. I can hear his laugh. I can feel his joy. I remember how he trusted in me to protect him fiercely. I will never forget the way he loved his brothers, and even how his hand was in naming his sister 8 years before her birth. I can recall his protectiveness towards all that he loved, and I will forever be in awe of his real, intimate, relationship with Jesus, something I strive to become more like everyday. A child at 7, knew where he was going, wasn’t afraid and shared it with the world. what a legacy. I’ve gained new perspective in so many ways. he’s caused me to grow in my walk with God, to be intentional about it with a sense of urgency like never before, in turn helping me grow into a person that I never thought I could become. a person who doesn’t even remember what I used to be. the mistakes I’ve made, the fights I endured, the brokenness, the depression, the loneliness, and the angry person who just didn’t understand how all of this was for our good. how all of this pain was ultimately for His glory. I don’t feel sorry for myself any longer. I don’t feel I lost Conner, I think heaven GAINED him. I feel privileged in having the tiniest speck of a part in his story.
please don’t say your “sorry for my loss” because I’m not the one who lost anything. in fact, I’m better because of it all. the greatest privilege of my lifetime is being chosen to nurture that beautiful soul while it was his time here with us. it was never gods intention for Conner to live a long life, rather, to live, truly…really LIVE a full life in a short amount of time. he breathed every breath as a gift because for his broken body, it was a gift. he saw an eternity without end while we only saw the decline of his health, he smiled without a reason in the world to. his body failed him, but His god did not. his god, my god, rescued him. my god freed him for a job well done. Conner lived to bring people to life and souls to god. what a tremendous calling on such a young child.
So, no, I’m not sorry for our loss. I miss him terribly…but not because of sadness, but because I got to be his mom. he got to be my son. I was witness to gods goodness, mercy and miracles everyday with Conner. A lesser person would’ve played victim in his ailing body…a lesser person would’ve complained of the 15 daily medications just to help him breathe, a lesser person would’ve complained for all the oxygen he had to lug around, the bipap machine he had to wear to help his lungs breathe at night, a lesser person would’ve been upset having spent more than 2 years of his life in a hospital bed, 30 admits, countless iv’s, tests, picc lines, two ports, a g tube for nutrition, and people always telling him there was nothing more they could do. a lesser person would’ve blamed God that he couldn’t run like the other kids, that he couldn't attend school because he couldn’t keep up and his body tired out too quickly. a lesser person would play victim to the mountain he was up against.
But Conner never did.
Because Conner knew what few will ever realize. He knew his time was limited. He knew what Gods unique purpose was for his short life and he LIVED and breathed it. He never blamed God. He found a way to be a blessing to all those who met him, cared for him and loved him. he did it all for Gods glory.
what a life.
what a tremendous blessing.
So rather than say your sorry for our loss…take a moment and reflect what Conner’s story has done to impact your life, however large or small…in some way I know it added value to each and every life reading this blog. and that is not a coincidence. never be sorry for that blessing…because I’m not.
I’m a better person having known and loved him, and view his passing as nothing short of a great healing miracle for Conner. A perfect reward for a life well lived despite the odds he faced. and while my body misses his presence here terribly, it doesn’t bring me sadness…it brings me the greatest joy I’ve ever known.
thank you Conner.
thank you god.
If you celebrate your “move up to heaven day” up there babe…may it be the best celebration ever.
I love you forever…always always always.