My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, June 23, 2016

This moment...

Well...I can't say that I'm surprised. It's been so long. I felt a tug to write. A need to gather my thoughts in one place and free them from spinning in my head. maybe a moment of peace. Two days until THE day and it's been so long. I feel very old, worn, beaten down, weak, tired, weary...I feel a little raw. I don't really know the words or even the point of writing but as Friday draws near I keep thinking about this blog. it was my safe place. I could pour out my heart and scream for freedom from worry and it was healing and therapeutic. so much has changed and I carry the heavy weight of burdens I need to release and maybe that's why i'm here. My heart is very afraid to let anyone in. it's been trampled on. there's no one to blame but myself. I am in charge of my own life...my choices, my reactions, my thoughts, my worries...and i'm slowly learning to release control of things that really I have no control over anyway. I never really did.
i'm not perfect. but no one is.
I've made mistakes. but we all have.
 I've lived behind masks and built walls so high they could be seen from space, and where did it get me?
Here.
right here.
in this exact place in this exact moment.
and in this moment, i'm not perfect...but i'm ok.
i'm unsure where to begin and where i'm headed. but I've learned its ok. it's not about knowing...it's about learning on the journey. being open to the process.
grief is hard work. it's long term. I am convinced it is never ending...we simply have to accept the ups and downs. some days are good and some days rock me to the core. but hiding behind a smile doesn't make me strong...facing the emotion and allowing myself permission to feel...that is strength. it is genuine.  a fake smile is temporary. and it doesn't cover the deep pain in my heart.
I love to talk about him...but I can see the pain it causes the other person. It's a delicate balance. He's real and is very loved and important to me...and I love to share that. I do infact have four kids...just one beat me to the finish line. he's still there though...waiting for us all to catch up. that reality is hard for others to hear though, and it's normal. It would hurt my heart to hear matter-of-factly that a child has died. please understand just because the words now come from my lips without tears...don't mistake that for being ok. i'm far from ok. I've accepted it. I deal with it. I don't wear the grief on my face all the time as I did for so long. and I don't share it with everyone. I protect him. me. how can I possibly put that pain into words that anyone can understand? as time passes we forget more and more of the little moments...and we remember and easily recall very pronounced moments. I can't recall all the little joys of the days we spent together...we were together every day. for seven years. I remember select moments. and those ones tear me up. his last day is engrained in my memory. there are other significant memories as well...but this time of year...my mind goes to that day. and it hurts like hell. but it's ok. it needs to. pain means it was real. and it was. he was. he is. we are.
I've allowed the words of others to add to the pain of the process. life has become unsteady the last few years and everything I knew to be is no longer. I've been pushed to find my own strength. take personal responsibility for my life and for believing the lies or pushing them aside and finding my worth in Christ. it's a daily battle. just like grief...it is long term. with the unsteadiness I've been in it's made me question so much. I've been stripped down to absolutely nothing. which is ok. i'm not yet that radiant butterfly...hell i'm not even that slimy caterpillar. I've finally allowed god to push me into the cocoon and I can't escape it until I learn who I am. whose I am. my purpose. my value. I've stopped fighting the process. I don't always believe it's for my good and many days I am just breathing and hanging on. but...I know I will make it. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel...it's been the worlds longest dark tunnel. but gods giving me little skylights on the way. little moments of love and joy and light. and that is enough.
i'm very intentional with my life. who I talk to...who I no longer. who I listen to...who I no longer believe. while my entire life is evolving and has been so drastic...one constant has been god. even when I didn't reach out to him...he provided the right people at the right time for the right moment in my journey to help me thru. I don't have the answers and I don't clearly know how this all will end...or my exact path. but I know that I will be ok.

but....

right now...
i'm not ok.

everyday is a battle. a new challenge. a new opportunity to continue to believe the lies or rest in the truth. I have made choices that resulted in consequences that thrust me into a life very unfamiliar...but I am redeemed. Words of others have crushed my spirit and made me doubt who I am...but I am worth more than gold.  I get angry at times that I can't hold him in my arms and I see him in my dreams often and I yearn for more...but I haven't really lost him. I've simply lost perspective...and i'm getting that back in line...slowly...but I will.

It's the morning of the day that precedes "the" day and I am just unsure how I feel. Kind of hollow. Kind of alright. I'm joyful for the love that is still very real and breathing, though he is not. I smile when I think back to moments we shared along the way...he taught me how to be a mom. He would pick me flowers, help me clean, sing songs to God, line up his cars in a very particular order not to be disrupted...he always kissed me, always held my hand, always told me he loved me, always trusted me to care for him, always showed me grace when I would let my impatience get the better of me, he would lay with me on the couch and stretch his arm back and play with my hair...it was all very different. He took good care of me.

where do you go when you don't know whats genuine any longer? I've been struggling greatly with a very gripping battle with anxiety and panic. it's rooted in control and a need to cling onto predictability and protect myself from hurting any longer. for the first time I feel very vulnerable and very weak. but in my new awareness of the situation in me I feel a small sense of strength as well. I know i'm not ok...but i'm aware. I believe we can't change what we don't truly acknowledge...and hell...i'm aware I need to let go. I used to build walls around myself to protect from pain...when C died I worked for years to break them all down. I was tired of not feeling. and now...I can't build walls up any longer...I won't allow it. so instead, I try to control situations like i'm a puppeteer and everything's attached to my strings. and it's not realistic. so instead of giant walls, I find myself in episodes of anxiety and panic. i'm far from healed. but I feel now my battle is learning to fully let go. there's no way to get around pain and there's no way to control anyone or anything but myself. and I need to let go. no walls. no panic. no anxiety. I've cried more in the last two years than probably ever before in my life because I've been learning a whole new way of living.
who I am.
who I am not.
what I stand for.
what I will not stand for.
and I have to learn that it's ok. I don't have to settle for anything. I have a choice in every situation. how I will feel...how I will react...what I will allow...who I listen to...what words I let penetrate my heart...which words I will ignore...
I had no idea 6 years ago after he was taken from my shaking arms that night I would be thrown on a journey as heart wrenching and difficult as this. that the walls would fall down and the steady ground beneath me would turn to shifting sand...but it has. and I owe it to Conner to keep myself on this journey...to honor who I am supposed to be...go where i'm supposed to go...love the way i'm designed to love...to be the very best I can be...for whomever i'm supposed to be with...and honor the boy who changed it all
i'll never be the same.
but I know i'll be ok. 

37 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing. You write so perfectly. Prayers for you. Hugs

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  2. ❤️❤️❤️ Hugs to you and you write beautifully

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  4. I love you and I am so sorry for your pain. I cant say I understand all of what you are going thru but I have complete compassion for your feelings. I pray that things get easier for you. I pray that the rigjt person comes into your life to help with everything. Praying for u... Huge hugs.

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  5. I love you and I am so sorry for your pain. I cant say I understand all of what you are going thru but I have complete compassion for your feelings. I pray that things get easier for you. I pray that the rigjt person comes into your life to help with everything. Praying for u... Huge hugs.

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  6. I am so thankful you share. I so miss your writtings and your family updates. You have been in my prayers for years. You are amazing. Praying you will continue to share.

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  7. Wow your words are so inspiring I lost my 12 year old nephew to cf on January 5, 2017. I just can't express with words how I feel. I can't get that night of Jan 5 when at 1:15 am I got a call from my sister asking us to go immediately to the hospital as my nephew was not going to make it. It was the longest drive ever. When I got there he had already passed away. My heart hurts so much I feel like nothing is the same anymore there is a big hole that no one will fill. I have children and my sister has 2 little ones and we MUST Go on life goes on but this is the hardest thing we have ever been through in my family and I wish I had the strength to know how we will move on.

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  8. تواصل مع خدمة عملاء مركز صيانة يونيفرسال للاجهزة الكهربائية واحصل على اقوى الخصومات عند شراء او استبدال اى من قطع الغيار الاصلية من كافة انواع التوكيلات العالمية .. كما يمكنكم الحصول على صيانة دورية من المنزل مع افضل المهندسين المتخصصين فى صيانة جميع انواع الاجهزة الكهربائية فقط اتصل الان على مركز خدمة صيانة يونيفرسال نصلك فى اسرع وقت وفى اى مكان

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  9. اقوى خدمات الصيانة المقدمة من فريق عمل صيانة كريازى للاجهزة الكهربائية فقط تمتع الان باقوى الخصومات على قطع الغيار الاصلية فقط تواصل مع رقم مركز خدمة صيانة كريازى تواصل معنا الان لتتعرف على المزيد من خدماتنا


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  10. الان خدمة صيانة وتصليح كافة اعطال التكييفات فقط من مركز خدمة صيانة يونيون اير والقيام بكل اعمال الصيانة من المنزل على يد افضل المهندسين المختصين فى صيانة كافة انواع الاعطال
    فقط تواصل معنا الان مع خدمة عملاء توكيل يونيون اير اسرع خدمة عملاء فى مصر

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  11. الان نوفر لكم اكبر خدمة فى مكافحة حشرات للجناين من خلال تواصلك مع اسرع فريق خدمة عملاء لاكبر شركة متخصصة فى ابادة حشرات للمولات او تواصل من خلال زيارة موقعنا الالكترونى

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  12. I wonder often how you are doing. Your words touched my heart as our CF journey was just beginning. As I write, our little guy is in the hospital for a tune-up. Disease is not predictable, grief is not predictable, nor does it follow a certain pattern or duration. Connor was special you are special. Both of you will be thought of with love, always.

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  13. توفر لكم شركة الحارس الخاص جميع الافراد المناسبين ومتدربين جيدا لحماية الافراد والشركات وهم يتم اختيارهم من خلال شركة امن و حراسة الكبري والتي توجد في مصر وتوفر تلك الخدمات لحماية الافراد والشركات باحدث الطرق .
    http://www.guards-security.com/

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  14. تقدم شركة العنود الكثير من الخدمات منها انها شركة تنظيف خزانات في مكة المكرمة اي انها بتعمل عليتنظيف خزانات في مكة المكرمة واالمملكة العربية السعودية وتستخدم وسائل العزل الحراري والعزل المائي لتنظيف الخزانات .
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  16. يمكنك الان التمتع باقوي العروض المميزة المعروضة في مراكز صيانة جولدي العاليمة لصيانة الاجهزة الكهربائية عن طريق استخدام قطع الغيار الاصلية للاجهزة الكهربائية .
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  17. تعلن شركة العنود انها من افضل الشركات التي تعمل في عزل خزانات بمكة
    المكرمة اي انها تعتبر افضل شركة غسيل خزانات بمكة المكرمة وفي المملكة العربية السعودية .
    http://www.el3nod.com/1/company-tanks-isolation-cleaning-mecca

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  18. توفر لكم مراكز صيانة ماجيك شيف الكثير من الخدمات المتعلقة بصيانة الاجهزة الكهربائية وهي ارقام الخط الساخن التي من خلالها يمكن التواصل مع الوكلاء وحل المشكلة التي تواجة الاجهزة الكهربائية
    http://maintenanceg.com/Magic-Chef-Agent-Egypt.html

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  19. الان تمتع باقوي العروض المميزة من دار مسنين بالقاهرة باقل اسعار دار المسنين فهو يعمل علي تقديم جميع الخدمات المتعلقة برعاية كبار السن من خلال دار رعاية مسنين الذي يوجد في القاهرة .

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  20. الانيمكنك التمتع باقوي العروض المقدجمة من الشركة السعودية فهي تعمل علي تقديم جميع الخدمات الخاصة بصناعةقرميد علي مستوي عالي من الجودة افضل الخدمات المتميزه والمتطورة ومن افضل تلك الانواع قرميد اسباني فهة افضلهم .
    http://www.brickksa.com/


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  21. يعمل فريق صيانة فريجيدير علي توفير المعدات والالات اللازمة للصيانة واصلاح جميع انواع الاجهزه الكهربائية المنزلية والتي تحتاج الي خبرة كبيرة في التصليح حيث انه يجب التعالم مع توكيلات معتمدة مثل صيانة جنرال اليكتريك التي توفر افضل الاساليب والطرق لعملائها في كل مكان .

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  22. اذا كنت تعاني من تلوث مياة الخزانات اذا يجب عليك تنظيف خزانات بمكة والتي تتم من خلال شركة العنود التي اصبحت اكبر الشركات بالمملكة العربية السعودية حيث انها تعمل باحدث الاساليب والادوات الخاصه في شركة تنظيف خزانات بمكة تحت اشراف امهر الفنيين والعمال .

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  23. احصل مع مقاول اسفلت علي خدمات متنوعه في شركة اسفلت اليت تعتبر اكبر الشركات في الوقت الحالي التي توفر مقاول اسفلت بالرياض متخصص في تلك المهام والتي تتم تحت اشراف من الخبراء .

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  24. احصل مع مقاول اسفلت علي خدمات متنوعه في شركة اسفلت اليت تعتبر اكبر الشركات في الوقت الحالي التي توفر مقاول اسفلت بالرياض متخصص في تلك المهام والتي تتم تحت اشراف من الخبراء .

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  25. تواصل مع اشلركة الفرنسية الان لمهام مكافحه حشرات والتي تتم علي ايدي امهر الخبراء والمتخصصين في ابادة حشرات بجميع انواعها لضمان راحة العملاء وامانهم كما يمكنك الترعف علي اسعار شركات مكافحه حشرات في مصر عند التواصل معنا في اي وقت .

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  26. يمكنك الان التواصل مع شركة الحارس الخاص التي تعمل علي توفير شركه حراسات امنية تعمل علي حماية وتامين الشخصيات بسبب انشتار اعمال السرقه والاختطاف والقتل لذلك كان لابد من توفير شركه امن وحراسة بمصر لتامين الافراد وحمايتهم من الاخطار .

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  27. تعرف علي مهام وخدمات تقدمها دار مسنين بمدينة نصر حيث انها تهتم بالرعاية الصحية والنفسية للمرضي وكبار السن من خلال توفير فريق طبي كامل للعناةي بهم من خلال المتابعة الدورية والفحص الطبي الشامل في دار مسنين بالمعادي ويمكنك التعرف علي المزيد من الخد\مات فور التواصل معنا او زيارة اقرب الفروع اليك الموجوده في دار مسنين بمصر الجديدة للاستفسار عن اي طلب او معرفة نظام المرافق المنزلي للمسن .

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  28. يمكنك الان التواصل مع صيانه جولدى التي تعمل باقل الاسعار في صيانة جميع انواع الاجهزه الكهربائية المنزلية والتي تتم يوميا وعلي مدار ال 24 ساعة لخدمة اكبر عدد ممكن من العملاء في محافظات مصر .

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  29. الان تمتع بافضل خدمة امنية مقدمة من اكبر شركة حراسات امنية شركة الحارس الخاص والتي توفر اكبر فريق متخصص في عملية الامن والحراسة لذا تعد شركتنا اكبر شركة أمن وحراسة لما تمتلك من تقنيات تستخدم في عملية الامن والحراسة
    http://www.guards-security.com

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  30. الان مع شركة العنود وداعا للحشرات التي توجد في المنزل ةتنتضشر بخاصة في فصل الصيف وذلك لاننا اكبر شركة مكافحة حشرات بمكة وذلك لما نوفر من متخصصيتن في عملية ابادة الحشرات حيث نعد اكبر شركة ابادة حشرات بمكة كما اننا نوفر لكم اكبر فريق من المتخصصين في ابادة الحشرات دون ترك رائحة في المنزل ودون الحاجة الي ان تتركوا المنزل ونوفر لكم احدث المواد التي تستخدم في ابادة الحشرات
    http://www.el3nod.com/5/company-anti-insect-termite-Pesticides-mecca

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  32. You write so perfectly. Prayers for you. Hugs Thank you for posting this blog.
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  33. الان مع اكبر شركة رش مبيدات بالدمام والتي توفر لكم كل انواع المبيدات التي تستخدم في رش المنازل كي تخلصكم من كافة الحشرات ,ان شركة ابراج دبي تعد اشهر شركة تنظيف فلل بالدمام لاننا نمتلك العمالة المدربة علي كيفية تنظيف الفلل في اقل وقت ممكن و دون تلف اي شئ ,واننا نستخدم احدث المواد كي نجعل منزلكم يلمع وخالي من اي اتربة
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  34. الان تمتع باقوي العروض المميزة من دار مسنين بالقاهرة باقل اسعار دار المسنين فهو يعمل علي تقديم جميع الخدمات المتعلقة برعاية كبار السن من خلال دار رعاية مسنين الذي يوجد في القاهرة .
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  35. الصيانه الافضل في مصر في مراكز صيانه وستنجهاوس ولدينا افضل خدمات وصيانه مجانية وقطع غيار اصلية موقعنا:
    https://www.almyaa.com/White-Westinghouse-Maintenance/

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  36. وداعا لاعطال الاجهزة الكهربائية بعد الان لاننا في مراكز
    صيانه سامسونج نقدم افضل اعمال الصيانه لكافة الاعطال رقم صيانه سامسونج او زوروا مركز الصيانه الاقرب اليكم لاننا نوفر لكم في توكيل سامسونج افضل صيانه وقطع غيار اصلية موقعنا :

    http://www.maintenanceg.com/Samsung-Center-Agent-Egypt.html

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