I don’t waste anytime lying. What’s the point in that? So I will just spew about what I’ve been feeling lately. it’s overshadowed many of my days, a very intense, strain of complex emotions delicately intertwined with real life, gotta get up and get moving moments. it’s been beyond difficult. it’s taken nothing less than 100,ooo% FAITH. because faith is believing in what is unseen…and all I know anymore is that without FAITH, my son died in vain. His life, his struggle, his mission, his death, all of it would have been pointless. for nothing. So faith is not an option for me, but a necessity. a requirement. everything thrown my way each day I look at it and decipher my best judgement on it all, looking thru heavenly glasses, not ones based on this temporary life.
faith…
ah…didn’t George Michael have it SO RIGHT? “cus ya gotta have faith, faith, faith…!”
anyway…
its been horribly difficult. living in the emotion. life continues to go by, there is smiles on my family’s faces, we’re somehow managing. here’s how I think. it’s not at ALL that the pain has lessoned a teeny bit, but more that we’ve learned how to manage this life. People’s lives have gone forward. we’re at a standstill. we’re not ready to move from the anger, sadness and despair of losing our Conner, but in the “realness” of life we’ve moved forward. Hunters grown taller, he’s getting smarter, and each day he’s one day closer to going to Kindergarten and he’s beyond thrilled to get to go to Conner’s big school! Baby B, has had two haircuts and those beautiful curls come back, a bit more subtely but there none the less, he’s getting taller, he’s moved up two clothing sizes since losing his brother. He’s getting bigger and smarter. Brad gets out of bed each day and goes to work for our family. He extends himself to others to be there for them, and he continues to build new or deeper friendships. I’ve grown in humanly ways as well, but all in the temporary state. See, none of this really matters compared to heaven. we’ve learned to numb ourselves a bit to allow for some of these worldly changes. but our hearts are still so torn apart.
my mind works in reverse these days. constantly wandering back to this date and that date. usually always to where we were a year a go. because that’s all I got left of Conner now. memories. those precious moments that I will never get back. it is a very hard pill to swallow to know that Conner’s mission was never to make it to 8 years old. to never go to 2nd grade. to never move to middle school. to date. to get teenage pimples and puberty. to never fall in love. this is what life is “about” to us. we believe that it’s our right to live these days of our lives like what we read in a book or see on a fake tv show. and it’s hard to keep putting trust in the FAITH that allows for a 7 year old to die, and some other person commit murder and get away with it you know? it doesn’t, nor will it ever make sense because we don’t have the privilege of seeing the big picture. but blindly following God and believing in His plan to prosper us and not to harm us, even when the plan causes tremendous pain, is nothing short of a miracle of faith. an absolute miracle. because it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Conner’s been on my mind all day long, pictures of him popping into mind, and songs coming on the radio that have special meaning to our family constantly. and each day reality hits my heart that much harder like a sledgehammer knocking out a wall leaving me breathless. HE’S GONE. his plan was never to live a long life. but a short life full of love and FAITH. and now my job is to grasp that concept, live in it, accept it and to make the most of the mess it’s created.
I have some amazing days. where I feel great, and loved and confident in who I am, and where God’s leading me. and then I have so many days where it’s so overwhelming. there’s a huge difference in being overwhelmed and giving up, so let me be clear. I never have nor will I ever give up. it’s not an option. I rest my pain in the victory that has already been awarded to us. There isnt one person, thing, or tragedy that could separate me from God’s love and getting to Heaven to be reunited with Conner.
Yet, faith comes at a cost.
it costs you everything.
everything.
its being unwavered in your FAITH if Gods plan involves losing your son. It’s saying YES to so many hard circumstances. It’s not being ashamed to say that the plan of your life sucks at times, but that doesn’t mean you doubt HIS love. This life is all about pain and suffering. there are moments of sure bliss and times when you feel your on top of the world and full of worldly satisfaction…but it’s about knowing what to do when the pain comes. cus it does. it always does. its that tiny choice of whether or not to let out a curse when you hit your finger with a hammer…all the way to the most important choice of whether or not you have FAITH to stay the course and accept this world for what it is.
TEMPORARY.
Resting your faith in what is yet to be seen is so much more difficult than it sounds…but so much more profound than anyone of us can ever imagine.
Even knowing the truth of my future…the pain of today is still heartwrenching. Yes I know I will get to Conner oneday…not soon enough it seems, but in the meantime I have to accept that Gods not finished with me yet. Conner fulfilled his duties…he gets to sit by God and Angels and breathe with the most gorgeous lungs any of us can ever fathom, because he did his job well. but He’s not finished with my plan yet. My plan was always to outlive my firstborn child. To continue to raise two beautiful blessings with a husband who adores us all and to keep our heads afloat…always waiting with anticipation our next step. But even knowing that, and not just knowing it, but BELIEVING it doesn’t make it hurt one ounce less. I’d give anything to be back a year ago with our family of living 5…well 6 counting Grover dog…loving each other, making the most of each second. recognizing our blessings in each and every fraction of a second. Just LOVING and getting to hold him. Instead of now going back and forth over finalizing Conners headstone. and seeing the kids walk past our home each afternoon from school…knowing Conner should be there too. The pain will just never cease. and anytime I think we’ve made it a step forward…we truly have taken two giant leaps backwards.
there is purpose in pain.
that I know for sure.
but living in it…I also realize that just knowing my future in heaven doesn’t make the pain of today any less…it just makes me want to get to tomorrow even quicker…
Love Love Love
These feelings are all perfectly normal. My mom died when I was a college freshman and not a day goes by almost 10 years later that I don't think of her playing with and holding her 2 grandchildren. <3,
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how that feels. I pray you won't have to feel like this forever and that the pain subsides.
ReplyDeleteLifting you and your family up in prayer, as always. <3
ReplyDeleteI am with you in this journey. My daughter was born in Oct 1990 and diagnosised with CF at age 2months. She lost her battle after 16 1/2years in January 2007. Just so you know - It does not get easier. The overwhelming grief that brings you to your knees just doesn't hit you quite as often and the memories bring more smiles but still tears. I feel like I need to do everything I can to keep her memory alive, to honor her strength and courage.Raising awareness and money for CF is one of those ways. Give yourself time when you need it to grieve. Remember that everyone of us grieves differently. I thank the Lord each and everyday for the privelige and blessing of getting to be Jennifer's mom and the time I gt to spend with her but at the same time part of me rails against how unfair it is that the time was so short! Stay strong in your faith - it is a test like no other. Wrap your arms around your family and hold on. I send you hugs and know my tears fall as I think of you on this journey too.
ReplyDeletePraying for you; missing your posts and hoping that you are all ok. Ok - isn't the word i'm looking for...but I think that any word i could use to check in on you wouldn't be the right word. just know that people are still here... Love.
ReplyDelete