We were sitting in the hospital…on day two of what would become a very long admit in preparation for his Make a Wish trip…we were playing with the DSi on loan to him and having fun…oh I miss him so much
I miss the person I used to be…I felt a year ago like life was great, complete. Now I’ll never be complete again this side of Heaven. Ever. Theres a huge gaping hole that can’t ever be filled or patched up. I miss the loneliness of the hospital…the sterile air and the sitting around watching the clock tick away. I miss the grind of it all, knowing what doc was coming by, which volunteer was on call, the nurses shift schedules, even the food in the cafeteria. I knew it all…how pointless now. I miss dialing the number to the CF clinic, I miss strategizing with them over what to do next. I miss the fight terribly. I see pictures now of Conner and my heart just breaks, and I have to calm myself.
He’s gone, truly gone.
I truly don’t understand how it can all be over so quickly. like the blink of an eye.
his death redefined my life in so many ways that I am both grateful and hateful for. I truly LOVE the “me” that I am now on the inside out. I’m more sensitive, secure, loving, compassionate, understanding, strong, faithful, prayerful, and more aware of the minute to minute details many will never see nor understand the importance of. I understand the meaning of this life now more than before. I’m no longer afraid of death…I’m in no way ready to be done on earth yet, but with all my heart I know that when it’s my time I won’t have one tinge of fear or any second guesses. no regrets. no coulda-woulda-shoulda’s. I live life…really LIVE it. and somedays it’s living for me to simply get Hunter to school and come home and clean up and put my feet up a bit and just sit in the silence and dwell in the house of the Lord. Just rest in his peace and grace. So many questions, not enough answers, and all the time in the world to simply wonder. I’m re-evaluating who I have been as a mom and who I am now and am working toward. hunter is challenging me every step of the way, both in good ways and not so good ways. but in it, I’m learning the importance of it all. life. love. relationships.
I’ve met new people who have become dear to me and my family…and I’m learning to stretch my wings a bit. I just can’t get past the first lesson of it all, that just sounds so cliché but I know it to be true thru and thru…tomorrow’s not guaranteed. Conner is proof of that. one day doing ok the next day in and out of a coma taking his last breaths of this earth.
the new struggles are difficult. they are character forming that is for sure. having to really trust in God like never before having been let down so terribly since this time last year…not just praying as a chore but as a conversation. living the best way I know how and trusting God in the details. learning to live with my heart on my sleeve like never before and trying to find ways to tear the walls down that have been built so high and up for so long…learning to trust after being burned. learning to reach out instead of being isolated and lonely. learning to find balance and structure, empathy, and love thru it all.
living in the pain.
accepting the pain may lessen a bit but will never fully be gone…learning to live in it and to function in it. no simple task.
grateful that many Thursdays come without the sting they once carried…the pain still there…but the dread lessening over time…yet knowing that it too will come and go…last Thursday was fine, today…Thursday I am broken hearted.
learning to hear people for what they MEAN and not what they SAY…two very different things…a lesson learned over time.
a year ago we were sitting in hotel de-Doernbecher Childrens Hospital to have IV’s to get Conner ready to travel to Hawaii…for his one heartfelt wish. and now a year later…all I can do is miss him and wish to hold him once more…
Love Love Love