My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Monday, December 27, 2010

a broken heart…

I cant believe it’s been a year since I wrote about looking back on the previous year! How could a year have flown by so quickly? It seems just a month ago I sat down to write what I learned in 2009 and how I felt that it was the worst year of my life. watching conner get worse each day. needing more and more iv’s just to stay alive. watching him fight for breath when most people do it w/o even thinking of it, myself included. how can it be a year ago already?

here’s what I know for sure…

is my heart hurts more each day…I don’t know why, I would’ve thought that by now, 6 months after he’s gone, that maybe there would be even a tiny bit of healing. but there isn’t. I cry more each day then the one before it. my heart is numb. my head is confused. I’m nausiated.  all symptoms of grief for sure. I think it’s never going to be easier to handle. I can imagine the day where I wake up and it doesn’t hurt so much as a day that is a true miracle. a miracle. now, 6 months later I know exactly what I’ve lost, where before, I knew I couldn’t see him or hold him…but not the magnitude of the loss. now I know it fully. and it hurts intensely. Its almost like he’s died again. it hurts that much. I’m acutely aware of all the extra time on my hands…without the 30 or so therapies and medications each day…it’s gone. a thing of the past. I fill that time loving on my two living children…and enjoying their love and happiness. they bring me so much joy and hope for the future. I’m so thankful to God that I have two living children to keep my head above water. I find myself jealous of others sitting in that dreaded, sterile hospital room with their kiddo. I wish it were me and conner again. even for a moment. I spent the other night with friends and hunter watching old videos of Conner growing up…we laughed together and I just listened to his voice. I miss that so much. it’s so hard to explain it…I’m used to hearing it in the background of each day like white noise…the constant squabbling of kids…of his voice, complaining about Hunter changing the channel from Zach and Cody or something trivial like stealing a milk cup. I just grew so used to that. how I’d shush it a lot. I was tired of the constant bickering. but now…oh how now I can only DREAM of hearing such squabbles again. I miss it. I find joy in it when I’m with other peoples children…it reminds me of how my life was complete once…not too long ago. 3 living children…one crying needing a new diaper, one veying for some sort of attention, the other hooked up to a VEST treatment with an iv going and a neb cup hanging out of his mouth, still able to watch his favorite Tom and Jerry cartoon. the house full of the sound of love. even in the bickering it was always about love. I miss that. theres a HUGE voice missing in the everyday squabble. Baby B and Hunter are loud, don’t misunderstand, but Conner was a very loud part of the Jones house of 5. a very important piece to the puzzle. and now he’s hardly mentioned by anyone. like he never existed. which intensifies my pain a huge amount over.  he was alive. he was here. he brought our entire family and all of his friends joy and laughter, and hope…and taught us the important parts of life and to forget the details…he was real. I held him, I cried with him, I fought with him, I brought him into this world and I was there when he left it. and I miss him so terribly. so much more than any other time these past 6 months. because now I feel the full weight of my loss. I feel it all 100% more than ever before. he’s gone. I will never see him on this earth again. I have no say and no clue when I will get to see him again. I have to be ok with him being gone. but I’m not.  whats the craziest thing to me is that in today’s world we talk about so many things that the previous generations never did. people sing and talk openly about sex, drugs, gay or straight, whatever it is…but nobody’s willing to talk about a child dying. still. and it happens everyday, and has since the beginning of time. maybe it’s because this day in age it’s not supposed to happen. we have vaccinnes and chemo, and medications, and surgeons who we deem as God, so to our children, it’s impossible for them to die….we think. but that’s not the case. it still happens each and every minute a child dies. and the silence that follows is deafening.  some people can’t handle the pain of deaths aftermath and walk away…some people just pretend it never happened or that he never existed. its just horrible. how can we as a society be ok with watching shows on teenage pregnancy, glorifying it to the highest measure, or watching some spoiled real housewife of somewhere or another, or  a vampire diary about racy sex scenes that make everyone in their right mind blush…but ignore those in REAL pain? I can only imagine how many people we each walk by everyday that are silently dyeing inside. who are facing a loss so intimate that they cant even find the words to explain it. their child is dead. and nobody cares the way they do. nobody wants to talk about it past maybe month 2. its done. its too heavy or too painful to talk about for others, so we have to become silent grievers. trying to bear the full weight of our loss, alone. thank GOD for GOD!!!!! He’s the only one whose never left our side.  Just imagine the load you can carry for someone hurting. myself included. I try to walk beyond my own pain to reach out to others hurting, making my pain hurt a bit less for awhile each day. it doesn’t always happen, sure, but I try. that’s more than many of you all can say. is it right to read about someones life defining, and altering loss yet never reach out to them physically?  to see the pain someone is in, yet turn our backs to them like it doesn’t exist? is it ok to fill our time watching fake drama and pain on tv for ENJOYMENT? when we know someone in the REAL world who is struggeling to cope, praying only for someone to listen, and yet do nothing for them? is it ok to watch and promote teenage girls having babies, throwing them on some unbelievable tv show and on the cover of magazines like it’s ok, when someone in a committed, loving relationship, just lost their angel and nobody cares for them? nobody reaches out to them?  what I’m finding more and more by meeting so many parents who have lost a child…some losing their child a decade or more ago, the pain of the childs death is still so fresh…and the pain that hurts the most all those years later is the pain of nobody reaching out and caring. just being there. calling to just talk about the weather. a simple gesture of dropping of a coffee or tea, or a meal or stopping by just to hug them.  but it for some reason doesn’t seem to happen that way. the biggest pain of all is the pain of silence. and I hear it loud and clear. I hardly hear Conners name anymore. I fake this stupid smile on my face cus others can’t take the reality of the pain. if they had a reality show on losing a child it’d be off the air in a day. its too heavy. too real. theres no entertainment value in it. but sex, drugs and rock and roll…sure lets feel good watching that instead while our neighbor suffers.

think about that. and not just about me. you’d be staggered to learn just how many people you pass each day have lost a child…by stillbirth, miscarraige or death. and they are forced to suffer in silence because death is hard to talk about. what a tragedy that is. I can’t imagine anything worse…walking away from a neighbor in their hour of greatest need because we selfishly can’t handle it. Jesus himself wept over such pain and cruelness. there are people in my life whove since Conner passed have confided in me having lost a child in many ways unimaginable. and I was shocked. these are people who look just like you and I, smiling on the outside…but dyeing on the inside because nobody will listen. just listen. they need to give their baby their “15 minutes of fame”, they were a living, breathing part of this world…and nobody cares. how heartbreaking is that? more people you see each day, then not are walking wounded. alone in their despair. just wishing and praying for an opportunity to speak of the loved one they lost and miss so much. do you know someone like that? I do. I know at least 5 moms walking in such great pain with a smile on the outside because that’s easier for others to handle.

reach out to them today. tomorrow. the next day. the following one too…keep loving them. because theres only one thing I can imagine worse then losing a child and the great pain that causes and the shift in life and hole it creates in everyday and everything…

it’s dyeing of a broken heart and nobody willing to care…

 

4 comments:

  1. Sending love to you... I just want you to know that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I want to thank you for opening my eyes. When I found out my daughter had cf I felt broken. You have showed me how much I should be grateful for. I enjoy everything about her. Your love for Conner is so amazing. I think about him daily while I fight this fight with my Avery. Sending lots of hugs and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for being a voice for those of us who have lost our angles.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My family is staying at the beach house you just left. I saw your note in the guest book and just wanted to let you know you and Conner are in my thoughts. Hoping for a peaceful new year for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete

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