If only I knew how lucky I was a year ago…
I read back to some of my posts from this time last year and I do feel like I knew that I was lucky…but did I have any clue REALLY how lucky I was then? and lucky probably isn’t the appropriate word…BLESSED. that’s better.
a year ago if you’d asked I would’ve told you how there wasn’t one thing in my life missing (besides the obvious CURE)…but that I had great family, wonderful friends, a great handle on Conners care and needs, truly…life was good.
I miss all that guys.
I’m sick of all of this.
the hurt. the pain. the tears. the shortness of breath. the looks…or more like the stares. the ugly truth of it all, learning peoples true meanings, and yes the double standard.
I wish so much that I’d get to go to sleep tonight and awake tomorrow in heaven. this world has nothing for me. it is filled with people who for the most part are bumps on a log…they’re just going thru the motions…unknowingly wasting time away with their blessings that they may not even realize they have. and not everyone falls into that of course…but pay attention…everyone is out of their house this time of year, christmas shopping and traveling. so many empty faces just scurrying around from place to place…no real purpose.
I hate that for some, it’s not ok for us to have a pass this year. we love christmas. we love jesus. the kids love santa. and I never asked to cancel it all. but I wanted it to be celebrated in our family a way that we can make it thru emotionally…yet it wasn’t ok. our house is decorated, our tree is up, granted much of my usual holiday décor is still buried in the attic that you access in conners room…but theres lights outside. theres a tree. we’ve visited santa. we will take our annual drive to see the xmas lights soon. we’re making effort in ways that we can handle. I wish it could be enough. if I may be so bold as to speak freely I’m very tired of other people pushing their sadness over conners passing onto me. take it. it’s not mine to bear. I have my own. I can’t handle all of this. I feel I’m on the verge of a breakdown when it comes to what we as a family of 5 minus 1 need…because people ask what we need, but then don’t honor our honest answer.
they think they KNOW what we need…well you don’t.
theres no way that you could…you are not us.
it was a slap in my face tonight.
really I am…trying my best to enjoy what we can of this season…but people…it’s not about presents. it’s not about giving toys. it’s not about receiving. it’s not about family and tradition. (this sounds harsh I know…even I’m cringing writing this!) but it’s not.
Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. The birth of the son of God who saved us from ourselves. It’s about His Love, and our inadequacy. Losing Conner, christmas, like many other things in my life, has taken on a new meaning. fresh perspective. jesus came as a tiny infant, who relied on his one of a kind mother, Mary, to care for him and nurture him, so that He could grow and bless others, LOVE others and heal others…and give up his life for others. and we as a family of 5 minus a beautiful 1 understand that. we cherish that. losing Conner has put Jesus at the forefront of each and every thought like you couldn’t imagine unless you lived thru this as well. nothing matters but getting to heaven. to get to heaven to be reunited with Conner, as a family of a heavenly 5…and getting there is all about LOVE, respect, integrity, compassion, nurturing, sharing just as Jesus himself did.
we understand that, we truly do.
so why is it crazy to want a pass from the hub bub of christmas that has NOTHING to do with Jesus’ birth? The most painful part of Christmas to us this year is anticipating watching our two living sons open up present after present of stuff they’ll use maybe 6 months then toss aside, and knowing that Conner should be there too opening his presents as well. but he won’t be. the only gift we desire for christmas, is one that nobody can give to us, so why pretend that it’s all ok? having divorced parents that means travel to 4 different places for the hub bub of it all, over and over and over again putting our hearts in a blender to make sure that our kids are enjoying their christmas too. I wish people could understand, they lost their brother too here. hunters best friend is dead. he misses him like crazy. we all know already how hard all of the hub bub is going to be…except those on the outside. saying that we need to keep things kinda the same so the kids don’t miss out on christmas. trust me here. as one of their parents I know for SURE that they too want some peace.
so we compromise.
and try to pick up the rest and push it out of our minds as misunderstandings.
that’s all we can do I guess. is do the best we can, to make the best choices we can, for our family and nothing else matters. for some, they’ve been grieving Conner for the full 5 months he’s been gone…for us…oh how to even explain it…but we haven’t. theres no way that we could. it is all consuming. it is intense emotion that each of us feel…so in our home…we do grieve each day…but not like others would think. it’d be too intense to grieve him so intensly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 20 weeks in a row.
so we’re just doing the best with what we have…and that’s all we can offer to anyone. our best right now may not be much to some, but it’s everything to us. it reminds us that our best is sufficient for Him…He who holds our dear loved ones hand for us til we get there ourselves.
so please…do a grieving family a huge favor…
and cut them some holiday slack…some holiday love…and KNOW that they can only do so much…and you shouldn’t expect anymore from them.
Love Love Love