My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Friday, December 3, 2010

in the kindest way possible…

If only I knew how lucky I was a year ago…

I read back to some of my posts from this time last year and I do feel like I knew that I was lucky…but did I have any clue REALLY how lucky I was then? and lucky probably isn’t the appropriate word…BLESSED. that’s better.

a year ago if you’d asked I would’ve told you how there wasn’t one thing in my life missing (besides the obvious CURE)…but that I had great family, wonderful friends, a great handle on Conners care and needs, truly…life was good.

I miss all that guys.

I’m sick of all of this.

the hurt. the pain. the tears. the shortness of breath. the looks…or more like the stares. the ugly truth of it all, learning peoples true meanings, and yes the double standard.

I wish so much that I’d get to go to sleep tonight and awake tomorrow in heaven. this world has nothing for me. it is filled with people who for the most part are bumps on a log…they’re just going thru the motions…unknowingly wasting time away with their blessings that they may not even realize they have. and not everyone falls into that of course…but pay attention…everyone is out of their house this time of year, christmas shopping and traveling. so many empty faces just scurrying around from place to place…no real purpose.

I hate that for some, it’s not ok for us to have a pass this year. we love christmas. we love jesus. the kids love santa. and I never asked to cancel it all. but I wanted it to be celebrated in our family a way that we can make it thru emotionally…yet it wasn’t ok. our house is decorated, our tree is up, granted much of my usual holiday décor is still buried in the attic that you access in conners room…but theres lights outside. theres a tree. we’ve visited santa. we will take our annual drive to see the xmas lights soon. we’re making effort in ways that we can handle. I wish it could be enough. if I may be so bold as to speak freely I’m very tired of other people pushing their sadness over conners passing onto me. take it. it’s not mine to bear. I have my own. I can’t handle all of this. I feel I’m on the verge of a breakdown when it comes to what we as a family of 5 minus 1 need…because people ask what we need, but then don’t honor our honest answer.

they think they KNOW what we need…well you don’t.

theres no way that you could…you are not us.

it was a slap in my face tonight.

I’m trying.

really I am…trying my best to enjoy what we can of this season…but people…it’s not about presents. it’s not about giving toys. it’s not about receiving. it’s not about family and tradition. (this sounds harsh I know…even I’m cringing writing this!) but it’s not.

Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. The birth of the son of God who saved us from ourselves. It’s about His Love, and our inadequacy. Losing Conner, christmas, like many other things in my life, has taken on a new meaning. fresh perspective. jesus came as a tiny infant, who relied on his one of a kind mother, Mary, to care for him and nurture him, so that He could grow and bless others, LOVE others and heal others…and give up his life for others.  and we as a family of 5 minus a beautiful 1 understand that. we cherish that. losing Conner has put Jesus at the forefront of each and every thought like you couldn’t imagine unless you lived thru this as well. nothing matters but getting to heaven. to get to heaven to be reunited with Conner, as a family of a heavenly 5…and getting there is all about LOVE, respect, integrity, compassion, nurturing, sharing just as Jesus himself did.

we understand that, we truly do.

so why is it crazy to want a pass from the hub bub of christmas that has NOTHING to do with Jesus’ birth? The most painful part of Christmas to us this year is anticipating watching our two living sons open up present after present of stuff they’ll use maybe 6 months then toss aside, and knowing that Conner should be there too opening his presents as well. but he won’t be. the only gift we desire for christmas, is one that nobody can give to us, so why pretend that it’s all ok? having divorced parents that means travel to 4 different places for the hub bub of it all, over and over and over again putting our hearts in a blender to make sure that our kids are enjoying their christmas too. I wish people could understand, they lost their brother too here. hunters best friend is dead. he misses him like crazy. we all know already how hard all of the hub bub is going to be…except those on the outside. saying that we need to keep things kinda the same so the kids don’t miss out on christmas. trust me here. as one of their parents I know for SURE that they too want some peace.

so we compromise.

and try to pick up the rest and push it out of our minds as misunderstandings.

that’s all we can do I guess. is do the best we can, to make the best choices we can, for our family and nothing else matters. for some, they’ve been grieving Conner for the full 5 months he’s been gone…for us…oh how to even explain it…but we haven’t. theres no way that we could. it is all consuming. it is intense emotion that each of us feel…so in our home…we do grieve each day…but not like others would think. it’d be too intense to grieve him so intensly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 20 weeks in a row.

so we’re just doing the best with what we have…and that’s all we can offer to anyone. our best right now may not be much to some, but it’s everything to us. it reminds us that our best is sufficient for Him…He who holds our dear loved ones hand for us til we get there ourselves.

so please…do a grieving family a huge favor…

and cut them some holiday slack…some holiday love…and KNOW that they can only do so much…and you shouldn’t expect anymore from them.


Love Love Love


  1. I am taking the holidays slowly, I cancelled them, then I decided maybe to go look at lights this weekend, but if it ever feels like too much I just take a step back. Sometimes we have to take step backs to protect ourselves, so we don't shatter even more. You have every right to choose what you want or don't want to do. Put yourself and your family first and brush the others off. It hurts that people can be so close minded and distant during a time like this. I have friends with children and they have taken holidays off, are the children affected by it, no more than they already were by the death. I don't know personally how it is to go on with other children but I do know the feeling of watching other children do stuff and have that sharp pain in my heart that says that should be my baby doing that. Just as I know how much she brought to the world I also know how much she missed. All you can do is your best even if it isn't much.

  2. I've read your blog for al long time now, but have never posted. I sometimes get so angry reading it. I wish I could just grab some of your family & friends and shake some sense into them. I'm sorry that after 20 weeks some of them still don't get it, that they're not even trying to.

    ♥♥♥♥♥You just do whatever you have to for you & the kids to get through the holiday. Sorry, but to hell with everyone else! I hope & pray you & your family get the peaceful Christmas you deserve♥♥♥♥♥

  3. I guess some people can only understand as much as they've gone through. Sorry you're having to deal with this from your friends and family. Praying the Lord showers you in blessings.

  4. I wish I could ease some of your pain, and carry it for you. No family should have to hurt like that.

    Holidays are especially hard, and every year I miss Beth.

    During the holidays, I especially like to pull out the pictures and remember. Especially that last Christmas as a whole family.

    My heart breaks knowing your family is now going through that. You guys are in my heart and prayers. May Heavenly Father help ease some of the pain, and although it will seem an eternity, you'll see Conner again -- and this time you'll never part.

    Believing that with my whole soul helped me as a child, and I still cling to that. Give Hunter a big hug from us.

  5. I read your blog every day with a prayer for you. I do not understand, nor can I understand, your pain. But it seems to me that you've twigged onto the true meaning of the holiday. Continued prayers for you from someone you've never met, and aren't likely to.

  6. Sarah - This time of year takes my mind on a journey..back to last year. It makes me shutter in side as I can start to feel all those feelings again...I had just buried my amazing husband and father to our four little heart hurt more than words could say. At times I felt I would burst will all the pain. I would crawl under the blankets and pull them over my head. The warmth of the blankets soothed me and I wished I would just die and go to my love.......The world seemed gray and the petty things in life drove me nuts. Nothing was important now, but Jesus alone. I so feel your hurt and pain and longing to be rid of this world full of vanity and pride and to just go to Heaven. Heaven has become so real to the kids and I now. We talk of it every day with great anticipation of going there. And you are right, unless someone has walked in your shoes they just can't quite grasp it the same. They don't understand how our hearts are now more than ever before longing for our "True Home." .....I smile now and it fills my heart with joy, when I hear of all that is happening in the world around us because it all is pointing to the promise that Jesus is coming soon!!!!!!!!!!!! The end of this age is near and soon all of God's children will join Him around the throne of our King Jesus. Your family will all be together again. And I just know that you and your family have some big hugs being saved up for Connor just like my kids and I have for our Daddy - my Jacob.
    The pain hurts so so so much now, but one day - one blessed beautiful day - all our pain will be GONE forever and we will again be in the presence of the ones we love so dearly. This is what truly brings me joy - Thank you Jesus for such an amazing gift - the beautiful gift of "Salvation."
    Hold on my dear sister in Christ......Jesus is coming soon. Connor is cheering his mommy on...keep clinging to Jesus and running the race, faithful to the end. It's gonna be so worth it.
    I will be praying for you and your family during this painful time. - Hurting with you, Dawn

  7. You and your husband need to do what is best for you. Don't worry about anyone else. There is always too much going on this time of year.

    I read about a family who didn't do any "Christmas" related stuff one year. I say it that way because so much of the stuff that is done doesn't focus on Jesus anyway. This family went to the movies, the beach, to dinner. Just their family. The gal said they had the best Christmas ever, because they focused on each other and Jesus. I wish I could remember where I read this article.

    Again I say, focus on Jesus and your family of 5 minus a beautiful 1. I truly think you will be glad you did. I am doing 2 things this Christmas. A Christmas party at a friends house (that we didn't go to last year) and a living nativity. That is it. I am looking forward to it not feeling dread, like so many Christmases past.

    Thank you so much for your honesty.


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