A simply bedroom rearranging. Something I do once or twice a year. New bedding, move the furniture, dust and clean…simple…
right?
that’s what I thought…
I started moving everything from under the bed and I had no idea what I would find…
hard, hard, hard…
a simple white bag with the name of the funeral home on it…what was inside about knocked the wind out of me…
The clothes he died in…
His death certificate which only exists to break hearts, because unlike a birth certificate nobody needs a copy of a death certificate.
and I found his box of school work from 1st grade, since he had to be home schooled the entire year because he was too ill…
that was hard to see…I wasn’t prepared for all of that.
I figured that I would have a lot of garbage under there to be thrown out, I never dreamed all of that emotional stuff would be under there.
then I found some stuff just from Conner to cheer me up…
and some of his hospital drawings…a heart cards for me and on the inside 3 hearts below HDB (Hunter, daddy, B)
and some other drawings…
(rainbows were his favorite)
and of course Transformers…
It really just goes to show that in losing a child, not even rearranging a room is the way it used to be. what should’ve taken me maybe an hour to do, took me nearly 4 hours to accomplish. it took a great deal of time to catch my breath after the wind was knocked out of me. The heartache is worse now than a year ago. But it’s different pain. initially it’s intense, overwhelming pain. where your body physically hurts, from all the stress and pain. but now…it’s an underlying sadness that is always there, settled in my heart, causing it to weigh me down. and it gets heavy to carry a broken heart. even with the huge chunk of it missing. the missing piece weighs more than all the joy and love that fills whats remaining in my heart. I can get by each day knowing the sadness because I’ve adjusted to it…I’m used to it now, and accept it as a part of the new me. it will never go away until I am gone. As a mom it is my job to love my children as long as I’m alive, not as long as their alive. since he’s gone, the love is still there, but causes such pain. it’s a delicate balance…I realize life is for living so I keep my head and heart held as high as I possibly can. but the sadness of his passing will be with me always…
but I do think that a simple bedroom rearrange should be able to happen without so much pain…I can adapt to the pain but that doesn’t mean that I want to all the time!
just sayin…
love love love
