meaningless

“Man is not perfect. and a free choice may be good or bad. That leaves man with a tremendous potential. a frightening one. that leaves man as a channel of light or a party to darkness. there’s no way NOT to choose…you either make a choice, or by not making a choice that IS your choice. God did not pick you to die.  rather, nature had its way. nature and man, neither perfect. but all of us subject to the processes they set in motion. how guilty am i? WHAT HAVE MY MANY THOUGHTLESS ACTS SET INTO MOTION? How many times have I done nothing and so abetted the darkness? how responsible am i?

and god.

Where is he in all of this?

he changes neither the acts of nature nor of man. we remain free. he created us free, and with that terrible freedom we live. but the moment we prefer the light, he transforms…HE TRANSFORMS NOT THE CIRCUMSTANCES, WHICH WE CREATE…HE TRANSFORMS US! He transforms how we see what has been there all along. it never changes. God never changes.

WE DO…”

I’m reading the most amazing book/journal. it is so inspiring to me and is helping me to not feel so different…I can read what other moms have gone thru losing their children and knowing that I’m not alone and I am not weird. I am normal. grief isn’t a one year or even five year process…it’s lifelong. I’m so thankful for this book. any mama’s out there needing a book of LOVE and understanding I highly recommend “Song for Sarah” by Paula D’Arcy.

Such emotions lately. So much going on bringing out pain that has been best left buried deep within me. only temporary those hiding spots are though. In this pain I’ve learned so much about life. I feel blessed to know these special secrets that only those in this “club” know. because before losing Conner I never would’ve gotten it. not even in the fight for his life. I thought that taught me a lot. not even close to now. a fight shows you that god is there. the fight shows you that people have a heart for good, or that they don’t. the fight teaches you that you are stronger and can handle more than you realized. but after the loss…that’s where push comes to shove. its so easy to pray for miracles and pray for peace. to pray for your childs health and for their pain and their life. that’s easy. it’s easy to have faith in god when your child is still laying next to you and the world still makes sense…

but after the loss…

the entire world changes. you’re not you anymore. you’re family isn’t the same family anymore…the missing piece causes an interruption in every aspect of who you once were. that person I used to be is a memory. a very distant one. each day I grow closer to who god is molding me and who he intended for me to be all along. after the loss, your forced to really chose god…or decide not to chose him. that’s where faith is tested and where you learn that there is no guarantees in this world…you see it just for what it is. you learn that you wasted so much time, even in that beautiful fight on things of such unimportance. because now…you have a full house it seems…only without that one it really is an empty house. everything becomes meaningless. it’s unimportant to your daily existence. here’s what I have now…a closet full of clothes taunting me. causing me pain. why? their only clothes…but they represent so much to me. His room doesn’t cause me pain. his toys don’t because the boys always shared all their toys so nothing is strictly his. but his clothes. hunter could fit into them now. but I won’t let him. I can’t imagine seeing his last clothes on anyone else. I’ve always passed clothes down thru my boys but these ones are different. they have so much meaning. I look at them and remember vividly him in them. even down to his underwear. I can imagine how silly it sounds. but what’s the importance of these clothes? it’s a lot like so much in life. we think is desperately important. like being on time. like having a perfectly neat and tidy home. like putting our kids in private school, never missing sunday school and making sure our children are perfect in the presence of others. while respect for others and manners do matter…the child matters more. you can’t understand it fully until you’ve lost it. I wish for you to see it now while you still have it. the child matters more. loving openly without regret. throwing the daily schedule out the door and living in the moment with your family. that’s what’s important. we put off so much for tomorrow…but friends tomorrow is not promised. do everything you can today to show your family what they mean to you. now the things that cause me pain taunt me. his clothes. his memory. like a fresh reminder of just what was a waste of time. what we put so much time and value into that in the scheme of life means nothing. now I have clothes, pictures, videos and memories. that’s it. how much time was wasted as he grew up…I was so secure in tomorrow. in the daily grind. I never truly got it. the no guarantees thing. now I get it. but now it’s too late. I get these dumb reminders in forms of clothing and photos of just how much I missed out on. how much I didn’t get it at all. life truly held no REAL meaning til Conner left. don’t mistake, my family and I have meaning…but not the shallowness of the previous…US. we’re different. we value a day. staring at drawers full of memories is a gut check. reality sets in. so much time wasted. spent on unimportant stuff.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)

I live by that verse. it flows thru my head many times thru the day. I try to keep telling my heart that this journey is a blessing in disguise. And for all the pain we’re going thru the glory on the other end will be worth it. I know it will. I’m just tired of feeling different. of feeling this constant pain. the anxiety. the tears that still come many times a day, out of left field it seems. I just miss Conner. desperately. I wish I had one more chance with him. Just one more hour…hell I’d take a minute. just to feel him, touch him, breathe him in…love him the way a mother needs to love her child. I wouldn’t waste my time with him, I know whats important now and that’s LOVE. not toys, or parks, or books, or playdates. just loving. embracing always. loving thru it all. love love love…I’d give my life for one more moment to show him what I’ve learned from him. I’m tired of seeing everyone elses smiling faces and I try to keep one on mine…but inside there is no smile. I’m tired of the internal, heavy, permanent sadness. the emptiness. the confusion. this world is turned upside down for me…how in the world can everyone else keep walking like it makes sense? how can they not see all the meaningless things they do? I cringe seeing people treating their children the way I used to….”not now…just a minute…when I’m done….” but….I needed to learn I guess that life can change in just one minute. because it did. I am still haunted by how in one day my life as I knew it was over. I never could understand how this life can be so cruel and take away a child from his mother. a mothers job is to love and nurture…and without a life to love and nurture…what does that leave you? I’m tired of the world thinking that because you have other children that should be enough to help you get thru…truth is that one does not replace another. love for every person in your life is different and each relationship is unique. two living sons does not take away an ounce of the pain of the child long gone…it never can. it’d be the same as saying to someone who just had a leg amputated that they should move on cus they still have another leg. well guess what…that missing leg…that missing child represents the emptiness that only those in our shoes can fully understand. one does not equal the other. but learning now about whats meaningless in this world does make me a better mother to my two living. I hug more than criticize. I kiss more than ignore. I live more than I exist.

I’ve learned to surround myself with people who speak life and not death. I’ve learned you are who you associate with, who you’re friends with. each person in your life is there by your own allowances. your chosing that person. so if that person isn’t a person who will bring you up and speak life and love into your days then what in the world are you chosing for yourself? your family? I’ve learned to keep my inner circle smaller than ever before. not many have access to the full me. In the meaninglessness of this world I’ve also learned that there are many in this world simply living to hurt. to bring darkness and cruelty into lives of others who will allow it. but they’re crafty in their scheme. they know their game well. they lead you to believe they’re one way…then they show you just how wrong you were in trusting them. I never would’ve believed it a year ago. each day I still struggle with believing that others can exist to hurt, destroy and steal others joy. because I’m not that way it’s hard to believe it exists. but it does. keeping my inner circle very small has really helped. there is simply a handful of people who know every single thing about me. who’ve walked side by side with me thru this journey. I guard my heart and I hope you do as well.

see how much my mind wanders these days? what a disaster. I am still waiting for my brain to come back to me. the simplest decisions are so incredibly hard and I have to focus and concentrate so much harder on the simplest of tasks because my mind and heart are already consumed. trying to get my brain to take on anymore than missing Conner and dealing with the pain is impossible. I have to have people repeat themselves over and over. my brain just doesn’t get it. all that’s floating thru my head is conner…and the pain. I wish it’d get easier. but can it really get better? I don’t think it’s possible to get over his death. and I know that I won’t so I am not trying. I’m merely surviving. each day making it out of my house fully clothed and the kids with me is a miracle. you grieve deepest those who you love the most so I will never hurt any less…I believe it will always be there. the pain.

I just miss him.

I hate looking at his clothes hanging up in his closet unworn…

just reminds me how I failed.

I’m tired of this pain.

dearest Connerman…take care of me from the heavens…hold me like you used to, be so close I can feel you…because mommy can’t do this without you…

love love love