I understand and respect that there are people who don’t believe in God…maybe they consider themselves spiritual but not religious. Maybe even 15 months ago you could say that I didn’t really know what it meant to truly believe and follow…and most of all what it meant to really “let go and let God.” It is a phrase that I’d heard many times in many different settings and situations, but never really knew what it meant, or try to apply that principle to my everyday life. a struggle would come upon me of any circumstance and I’d get the advice to “let go…let God,” and I would always answer quickly with the words “easier said than done.” and left it at that. because letting go means to relinquish control from it. to fully walk away from the circumstance or situation and just KNOW that God is in complete control. Here’s why I think I felt that way. because I would witness bad things happening to great people. children diagnosed with one disease, a mother getting the news her cancer has spread, or even circumstances as small as a child not getting picked for the baseball team. whatever the circumstance, I felt that if God was good that he wouldn’t let good people, who profess their love and commitment to Him get hurt. To let go and let God meant that while bad things happen to great people that it should be viewed as ok. (this is all the way I looked at it…) a good God who let bad happen. it didn’t make any sense.
then conner started declining and something shifted in my heart. I didn’t feel like it was unfair or a punishment. I didn’t feel like it was “something bad happening to a good family” at all. I was heartbroken, in immense pain absolutely…but at a new peace with God. I realized that God blessed our family with Conner for 7 amazing years and I felt at peace knowing where he was heading. it’s not like I didn’t already believe in God…but I didn’t know how to let go and let god.
until june 24, 2010…11:30ish pm…
that moment I learned in the purest sense what it really means to let go and let God. I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving to God for the blessing of our sons life…and I told him that I would be ok if he was ready to take him. because there was no unknown for me. nor my husband. we knew that heaven was real and gods love is tangible. I had to let go of conner’s physical presense in that moment and give him to god for protection. it wasn’t a hard transition in the moment…numbness is gods great blessing to me in that moment and for months after it. I knew conner was gone with god. and I continued to love and honor god anyway. thru it all. without a doubt in the plan. yes there was absolutely anger, sadness, pain and frustration…that’s grief and it’s normal and necessary…but there was also beauty in imagining conner running, heck even walking without oxygen or iv’s or tube feeds or medication after medication. there was peace in knowing that when I let go of conners physical presense…that I would be letting god take his spiritual presense. I believe it was the most important decision of my life. choosing to let god do His job instead of blaming God for his death.
what made me think of this all is in my quiet time with god I kept getting the same visualization, and hearing the same phrase over and over again. it looked like this: Let Go (d) let go let god. then it clicked and all came together.
I’d learned how to let go and let god. and it wasn’t the horribly unfair thing I thought it was before. it was beautiful and powerful. maybe that’s why I can smile so much of the day. I have no doubt at all where conner is, I don’t feel he was unfairly taken away, I don’t feel punished…I miss him terribly, but I know how close conner is to me. each and every day. that further validates my hopes and faith. its what made it possible for me to move past the ugliness that occurred after his passing. only god can do that. only putting my faith in god to help me…would have the power to do that. I’m at peace with life now. I smile all day long, no reason even needed…just knowing that god relieved my son of his sufferings is reason enough.
I have many days where I’m constantly thinking of conner. it’s actually every single day that I think of him. especially lately with all the changes we’re experiencing. sending hunter to kindergarten made me flash back to when I dropped conner off and hunter cried and cried. hunter also has conners teacher. hunter lost his first tooth, and likewise it took me back to conners first wiggly tooth. today I went upstairs to clean out the attick and toy cabinet and got on a roll…and found myself in conners room. packing away the important items that I feel are too precious to be left out to be lost or ruined. I finally took all the cards we received after his passing (I’m not kidding when I say close to 500 at least), and his funeral “stuff” and moved all of it into his closet for safe keeping and another day. I’m not ready to dive into it yet, I haven’t even opened his clothing drawers. I removed his bedding from the room and took his get well posters and put them in safe keeping. the room is pretty bare. the closet is full, the room bare. I found a tote of clothes for B to fit into and I saw a pair of conners thomas the train flannel jammies that he used to wear in the hospital. most things that come out of the attic take on that musty attic smell, even in totes…but I smelled the jammies anyway.
they smelled of conner.
I held them to my heart and felt the emotions come over me.
I realized I’d forgotten what he smelled like. it’s been too long.
I tried sniffing other clothes in that bin but the rest smelled of attic.
the best word I can use to describe that moment was intense.
intense emotions. vivid memories. took me back to the hospital where he and I fought the fight as one.
I was pretty out of it after that, for the remainder of the afternoon and into the evening. my heart once again took on that heavy feeling, my heart beat raced and my eyes stung with tears. it was like june 24, 2010 was yesterday it was that intense and that real.
then I remembered…
I had to let him go. I had to let god take him. not so much take him as save him. rescue him. heal him and use his story to glorify god and bring meaning to other peoples lives. to reach into peoples hearts and be so raw that they can literally see god in his story.
I chose to let him go instead of feeling punished for taking him away…
…and god saved him.
thank god for that.