My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Friday, September 2, 2011

Doing life differently…a transformation

Second chances are such a huge blessing. and I wouldn’t even say that it is infact as much of a second chance as it is, a redirection. because we have endless chances to switch gears, and change patterns…but only one life to do it in. and with forgiveness and grace we are allowed as many second beginnings as we need to finally get it right. or…what feels right.

better.

second chances are truly a rebirth of oneself. out with the old and in with the new. it’s usually gradual I would suspect but sometimes life throws you a brick at your ankles and forces you to stop. just stop. and be still. stop avoiding the silence and just revel in it. listen in it. whether or not you believe in God in that silence you will hear the truth. your own unique truth. the way to your rebirth. your fresh start. it provides that 20/20 vision that we all wish we had all the time… “if I only knew then what I know now…” right? the silence provides perspective, clarity and answers long awaited in receiving, but too rushed to hear it before then.

silence.

you can only continue on in the wrong direction for so long before life stops you. god stops you. and whether it’s with a gentle nudge or full out push in the right direction He’s going to get you to see whats real. and whats fake. whats temporary. whats eternal. whats trusting. and what will let you down. he provides perspective.

truth.

I can truthfully say that since losing Conner life has been constantly changing. I embraced each direction that I was being turned towards. never knowing but never doubting. I knew god before losing conner. but I didn’t KNOW him like I do now. death changes everything. the child that I carried and nurtured, protected and fought for dyeing in mine and Brads arms changed everything. I was forced into a choice of betterment, molding of my character, blindly following and having faith not knowing where I was going…OR believe that his death was a punishment or evil having it’s way and crumbling me to the ground. forcing me to give up.

I never believed the lie.

I can honestly say that going from that night in June when Conner was being carried out of our home for the very last time ever that my lifes purpose and direction changed with the shutting of that front door. I knew the only way I’d ever get to be with him again was to really give 100% of me. not when it was convenient or easy…but always. in the darkest hour in my life thus far I could get out of bed each morning and greet the day knowing that today I was going to be molded and loved, protected and guided. and I was going to be shown exactly what it means to truly believe and follow GOD. He would show me just what I needed to do that day to be one step closer to Conner again.

forever.

it cost a lot. following Him will cost you. but the reward is much superior than any reward I could create for myself. a shift in priorities means a shift in influences, friends and acquaintances come and go and rather than let it get to me I had to decide that gods eternal reward is far greater than any earthly friendship or reward that could ever be offered to me. conner’s death gave me that perspective. God love showed me the truth. I decided that I couldn’t continue on living the way I had been…only half in. that if the death of someone so significant and important to me like my son didn’t kill me…that in it I could truly be made stronger. little things stopped mattering. but adding significance and true meaning to peoples lives (family included) is the only way to fill that void of time that I had spent caring for Conner for 7 years. I couldn’t fill that time with anything without value or substance.

time.

our lives are filled with time and choices. those are our two greatest gifts and assets. lending an ear to someone in pain is far more valuable than spending that half hour watching tv or just existing. I had conners med schedule down to a T and so I became very aware of what I was supposed to be doing at any given time if Conner were still alive…so I couldn’t allow myself to fill that precious life saving time with activities that weren’t truly valuable and meaningful. that made my shift easier to begin. if it didn’t add significance or value, I didn’t do it. I couldn’t feel right doing it. I became more open to listening to what god spoke into my life for that day and believe me some days it was something as small as “smile today”…baby steps. He truly does give us just what we can handle at any given moment with the right recourses. on days when my grief was and still is overwhelming to me I just smile during the day to people. they too can be living out their greatest life tragedy and what a difference a smile made for me on days where getting out of bed and putting a hat on was all I could muster. so how amazing and easy of a blessing it is to simply smile as you pass by people…it could change that entire day for them. I realized that I became a walking vessel for gods love. since he is unseen on earth…he uses the willing to spread his simple and undeserving love to everyone around. I would write blogs on what he fills in my heart that day, just as I am now…because I’ve seen over and over how something I’ve written has blessed another’s life when they needed it most. that is not me. and it’s a blessing to be able to be a vessel of gods grace, love and miracles…

so much is changing for us now. we smile more than cry…we feel thankfulness more than sorrow. we’ve learned how to live a blessed life with the pain of grief simultaneously. our story will be a testament of standing in the rain. of standing back up when the world tried to knock us over. what I know for sure is that we truly CAN do all things thru Him…if we choose to. what a beautiful choice that is. and I truly know that if I can make it after losing Conner, that I can make it thru anything…

and I will always choose to

love love love

5 comments:

  1. What beautiful, beautiful words. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet son.

    One glorious morning...we'll be with our beloveds!

    ReplyDelete
  2. thank you for sharing your testimony with us. your words are beautiful. You make Conner proud every day. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sarah - your words are so beautiful and so honest. Your dedication to your family and more importantly your Faith are truly inspirational. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for a bit of inspiration this morning.

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  5. Thank you for this post. What deeply, spiritual, uplifting words you have shared. Thank you.
    I wanted to share a song with you, you may have already heard it. It was written by a bereaved mother about her daughter. I too suffered the death of my youngest daughter when she was 11. I heard this song for the first time about 8 years after her passing. It still uplifts me every time I hear it, and also brings tears to my eyes. The song is "Better Than I've Ever Been" by Cindy Bullens. Your words reminded me of it.
    Bless you for sharing your journey. It means much to so many who are also struggling for many different reasons. And for those who just need a reminder from time to time to be so thankful for what we are blessed with. Thank you again, more than words can say...

    ReplyDelete

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