My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!

Love Love Love

Always Always Always

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Today was a shitty day...pardon my french...

One of those days for sure........ggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! So glad it is almost over! I have a person in my life who swears up and down they want to "help" me with the stress and everything from the horrible turn in health my son has taken this past year. "I will do whatever you need me to do...I want to help you..." against my better judgement I said ok...and once again I wind up getting burned. I am so upset I can't hardly put it into appropriate words...for the sake of those who may have talked to me today and know what/who I'm referring to I will leave specifics out...but here I think are some good rules to live by..

1. if you say you wanna help...HELP.

2. if you say you're going to do something for someone out of kindness, DO IT.

3. if it's truly out of kindness and not out of some wierd need to feel needed, then GIVE IT A FLIPPING REST..."i did this, i did that..." I think the bible says it best when it talks about not boasting about your up your true gifts in heaven...

4. if you are not interested in helping for the right reason please do us both a favor, just don't offer.

i truly feel that some people just do things for recognition from other people..."oh how wonderful you're there to help..." blah blah blah...those people are not a part of my life. PERIOD.

but then...I received a aunt in law makes the most beautiful quilts...she sent me one with a card inside and it just made me cry. She made me this quilt to take to the hospital when Conner and I have to go...and for the first time someone thanked me. get that. she thanked ME for taking such good care of Conner and for loving him so dearly.'s amazing how something can get to you so much...

and just when i thought the day was going to end well...Conner's having more dreams about death. he first started having dreams a few months ago, and would run into our room and wake me up crying...and tonight...again. dreams about death, nightmares more like. he won't tell me more than that, says he's too afraid to discuss it, but that the scariest part to him is that once you die, you never come back, and he'll miss grover (his bestest pal in the world!) why oh why at 6 years old is my son having to deal with the thoughts of death.

I'm pissed at CF today, for taking away my baby's innocence.

I'm pissed at CF today for robbing him of the joy a 6 year old boy should have and replacing it with great fear.

I'm pissed at CF today for causing my family so much grief that I can hardly make it ONE day without crying from the grief in my heart....

If CF had a face, a body...i'd knock the shit out of it.


the end.


  1. whoops...nearly forgot to mention the best part, so since I was so upset from my horrible day I did what any other woman would do...bought a pair of cute shoes ;)

  2. love you! lifting you up in prayers. CF totally sucks! it's not fair! thinking of you today...thanks for sharing your heart. you are an amazing momma!! --Sonja

  3. Your words describing how wonderfully your aunt demonstrated her love is a special gift for me right now. Thank you and know my heart is with you, instantly and fully.


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