My arms are empty and acheing...

I can’t believe I’m a mother without…

Life has been twisted and turned upside down. As a mother, I had both the wonderful privilege of holding my sweet son as I brought him into this world…and the horrible chore of holding him as he took his last breaths and left this world, at only 7 years old. June 24, 2010 he earned his angel wings, passing away after an inspiring but brief fight against Cystic Fibrosis. Now I live, solely focusing on living a life to get to be with him again in heaven, and to raise awareness for Cystic Fibrosis research. I am dedicated to a cure, not only for my sweet sons legacy but so that other CF families never experience the greatest loss of their lives that we are now facing. My mother’s arms are missing Connerman, yet he still inspires me daily to leave a mark of LOVE on this world…so for you my sweet prince, mommy will try!



Love Love Love

Always Always Always


Thursday, December 31, 2009

I take it back, Thank you 2009...

After posting what I learned in 2009, and re-reading it many times...I realized something. I really don't hate 2009 at all. While it was a very hard, and stressful year filled with 10 hospitilizations and lots of home IV's, oral antibiotics, xrays, and clinic visits, it also was the year where I learned the most about myself. Learned who I really am and what I stand for.
Sure my son's PFT scores are low and that's not where I'd obviously want him to be...but it gave me much needed perspective.
Sure I spent alot of the year crying or worried over Conner, but from that I learned just how much family means to me.
Sure we spent more days in the hospital or home doing IV's then not this year, but you know what? Those meds gave me another year with my son. Thank God for them.
Sure we're now always waiting for his next lung infection once he ends IV's, but because we know it may only be a week or even a few days, we spend each and every second FULLY alive and present in those days.
Of course it kills me to see my son struggle to breathe, but it has motivated me to dig deeper. Find my own answers. Research more. To realize there is ALWAYS someone worse off then you are, so be thankful.
Sure I had a horrible sit down talk with Conner's CF doc in Sept or Oct that devestated my world, gosh from that I've learned just how precious each day is....
So i'd like to officially take back the first sentence in my "what i learned in 2009" post. 2009 was not the worst year of my life thus far. In a way, it was the greatest. This year I learned what it means to really be a mom. to really love. to fight. to serve. to give. to cry. to trust God. i really did learn that what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. this year brought me great support, community strength, my best friends, and probably the most quality time I've ever spent in my life with my family. With each person I see. I learned you learn your greatest lessons when you are completely broken. Life is no longer random. I found my strength. I found my weakness. I found me.
Happy New year...I just can't wait to see what I learn this year!

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